Here's one to get you all going:

A man walks in to see his doctor with a plate of fries on his head, a pork chop sticking out one ear, an ice cream cone sticking out the other, and a banana shoved up his nostril.

"Doc!" he exclaims, "What's wrong with me?"
"I can see your problem," his doctor replies, "you're not eating properly."

Anyone have any more?

Gonz
:carrot:

Equally bad:
A sailor walks into a bar with a spectacular parrot on his shoulder; it's green and gold and red and orange, with long tail feathers.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That's beautiful. Where did you get it?"

And the parrot says: "On the waterfront; there's hundreds of them down there."

cheers,
Peter Marucci
showtimecol@aol.com

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon. At age 71, the Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

Dough Boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Dough Boy as a man who never know how much he was kneaded.

Dough Boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he did not.

Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Here is one of my favorites

You tell someone that you are going to show them an amazing trick where you can actually turn them into a cowboy.

Tell them to take there right hand & make a fist, then start moving it around in a circle & don't stop.

Now you tell them a knock-knock joke-
Knock-knock-

Who's there?

Yipp ya-

Yippy ya who?


I suggest you try this, it gets great moans & smiles because of the level of cheesyness(yes, I just made that word up).

Oh man, I love your stuff. You guys have some beautiful material here!

Okay, okay...

What goes clop, clop, bang...clop, clop, bang...clop, clop, bang?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

A grasshopper jumps into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Wow, I can't believe this. We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Ted (Leondo)

A guy walks into an expensive restaurant and is stopped at the door by the Maitre d'.

"Excuse me sir, but you cannot enter the restaurant without a tie," he says.

"But I have a dinner date in five minutes," replies the man. "I need to get inside."

"We have our standards, sir," comes the terse reply.

The man goes back to his car and rummages around in the truck--hoping to find an old tie. All he finds is a pair of jumper cables. So, in desperation, he ties them around his neck and goes back into the restaurant. The Maitre d' is waiting and stops the man at the door.

"What is this?" he queries.

"This is my tie"

Looking long and hard at the man, the Maitre d' finally responds, "Very well, you can come in. . . but don't start anything."

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggie says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle, "Weeeeeeeeee!!!"

A guy is standing alone in a bar when he hears, "Nice tie." He looks around and no one is there. Seconds pass and he hears, "You're looking really sharp today." Looks around and no one is there. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back and the guy tells him what happened. The bartender points to a small bowl on the bar and says, "Oh, it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

In a great loss to the world of music Angelo Schwartz the orginator of the song the "Hokey Pokey" passed away just last week. Aparently they ran into some difficulty getting him into the coffin. it seems they put his left foot in....


Maynooth

Haha
Like that one.

A man walks in to see a doctor with a frog on his head.
"What appears to be the problem?" the doctor asks.
"Well, it started out as a wart on my a**," replies the frog

Two Irishmen leave a bar . . .
Well, it COULD happen!
cheers,
Peter Marucci
showtimecol@aol.com

A guy walks into a bar......




And says ouch!

These one liners must have a use in our performances, especially the last one

Everyone has a photographic memory,.............. some just don't have film.

If the shoe fits...........buy it in every color.

Dogs have owners..............cats have staff.

If you can't be kind, ..................................at least have the decency to be vague

Not a joke as such, more of a question:

"If the police arrested a mime artist, would they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?"

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
cheers!
Stevie