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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Favorite Jokes » » TOPIC IS LOCKED (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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VinceMagicMan
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New York City
52 Posts

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I often get asked if I cheat when I go to Vegas....not if my wife is with me! Ha Ha
Smile
Vince MagicMan
(Nuff Said)
Peter Marucci
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My Uncle Linguini used to work for the Acme Manufacturing Company but he got fired.
Seems he didn't know how to make acmes.
Smile
Augustus Rapp
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Out of Time
17 Posts

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Hey who stepped on that duck?

Did you hear that spider bark?

When asked to make someone's wife disappear I say, "I'm sorry sir but magic does have weight limits".

When asked if I can make the check disappear I say, "Right away sir! Now for this next trick I'll need a hundred dollar bill (followed be a grin and a wink)".

AR
NJJ
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I love the weight limits one!!!!
david walsh
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Bonnie Scotland
183 Posts

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





A carrot! Sorry, but it's my favourite joke.
David.
davidpaul$
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Pittsburgh, Pa
2973 Posts

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What do you call a fish with two knees??? A TUNY fish

Hey! My dollar bill smells like mint ! What kind of mint? Governmint

Did you hear the news today? A midget psychic escaped from prison...The police said to be on the look out for a small medium at large.

Well you asked for some jokes, don't blame me. Smile
If you can't help worrying, remember worrying can't help you!
Bobcape
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Rapid City, SD
470 Posts

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What's brown and sticky? -
A stick.

"Can you make my check disappear?"
I sure can, but when it comes back, it's doubled in size!

"Hey, are those trick cards?"
In my hands they are.

Momma tomato, daddy tomato and baby tomato were going on a hike. Baby tomato kept falling behind. Daddy tomato yelled, "You better ketchup!" (Stomp your foot down.)
Be Amazed! + Enjoy The Magic!
Kaliix
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Connecticut
1676 Posts

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Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked at the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel J. Boorstin
Peter Marucci
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Okay, WillZone, look what you've started; I hope you're happy!
Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

(BTW, the "weight limits" thing is a good way to get a punch upside the head!)
MacGyver
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St. Louis, MO
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

No eye fish.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no-eye-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no-eye-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no *****?

Still no $**** eye-deer

Ok that's pretty bad, lol.

There are two apples sitting in an oven, the first apple says to the second, "Man, its hot in here", the second apples says "HOLY %^&$ A TALKING APPLE!!!!!!!"

/groan

There were two peanuts walking down the street, then one was assaulted.

So there is a big highway sitting in a bar, bragging about how he is the biggest baddest road in the world, and then suddenly the door flies open and a small dinky side-walk walks in, and the highway jumps behind the bar shaking with fear. The sidewalk orders a drink and walks out, and then the bartender ask why he is so scared.
The highway says, "I may be big and strong, but that guy is a cycle-path."
Stanyon
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Landrum, S.C. by way of Chicago
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Two mentalists meet on the sidewalk. One says to the other, "You're fine! How am I?"

Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

Sorry! Smile
Stanyon

aka Steve Taylor

"Every move a move!"

"If you've enjoyed my performance half as much as I've enjoyed performing for you, then you've enjoyed it twice as much as me!"
david walsh
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Bonnie Scotland
183 Posts

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What does an apple and a farmer got in common?

Both of them can drive a tractor apart from the apple.
David.
mtmagic
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229 Posts

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Do you know what that white stuff in bird poop is?

It's bird poop too!
landmark
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within a triangle
5022 Posts

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(Said casually) Hmm...what's another word for thesaurus?

(Even more casually) What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I went hunting the other day. Saw a sign that said "bear left", so I went home.

All those that believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

And so on. . . Smile

landmark
Cabrera
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Seattle
513 Posts

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What six letters did the boy say when he opened the refrigerator?

I C U R M T
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
Jewls
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Veteran user
Michigan-USA
360 Posts

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What happens if you throw a green rock into the red sea?
It gets wet

What two words have the most letters in them?
Post office

What is at the end of everything?
The letter G


Why did the rasin go out with a prune?
He couldn't find a date
drax
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Why does Mickey Mouse eat Cornflakes ? -
Because he likes them

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underwear ? -
Your mother



regards,

drax
wassabi_87
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moscow, idaho
226 Posts

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I walk up to the table and say, hi I am the magician, I went to your house and you were not there, so I came here instead, oh? you did not hire a magician? Well I'll do magic anyway!
bike during the day,
do magic at night,
and very early the next morning,
homework.
Vincent
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New York Metro Area
270 Posts

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Okay, here's a long one:

An Italian walks into a bank in NYC and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.00
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business but we are a little puzzled.
Why would you secure a $5000 loan with a $250,000 car?"
The Italian replies, "Where else in NYC can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return."

Now, I'm Italian, so do not take offense.
Try it out, it plays quicker than it reads.

Take Care,

Vincent
Smile Smile Smile
Vincent
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New York Metro Area
270 Posts

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One More:

A little boy was learning how to count to ten and his little sister was helping him by writing down the numbers.
The little boy began, "One, two, three, four, five, seven, eight, nine..."
His sister said, "Wait a minute, what happened to six?"
To which the little boy replied, "Oh, six is'nt here no more."
The sister asked why.
"Because six got afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Afraid because, because he saw Seven Ate Nine!!"

Take Care,

Vincent
Smile Smile Smile
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