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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Favorite Jokes » » TOPIC IS LOCKED (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Larry Barnowsky
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Inner circle
Cooperstown, NY where bats are made from
4866 Posts

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How about a Henny Youngman classic:
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and asks "What's wrong with me Doc." The Dr. replys "Mister Smith you're crazy." To that the patient responds "I want a second opinion."

"Ok the doctor says, you're ugly."
fourofclubs
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New user
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
6 Posts

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Why can't I set my laser printer on 'stun'?
Andy Charlton
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Veteran user
Palma Nova Mallorca Spain
311 Posts

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Write your name on that card with my marker pen, Now That's not just any old marker..............It's a magic marker TADAHHH!

Andy

Actually, serious point here. I am the world's worst joke teller, No matter what the situation I can almost never make people laugh. But when I'm performing magic I can make people laugh, (In the right places!) Why? I don't understand.

Andy
"Keep that smile on your face, that excitement in your eyes." - Don Driver

Check out www.andyandjeansbigadventure.com
or
www.andysmagic.com
Ron Crumley
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Elite user
1950 - 2012
448 Posts

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At a point in an effect when the audiences attention is focused on something about to happen, I'm say, as if I'm making an important anouncement; "At no time will my hands leave the ends of my arms!"

If I need a volunteer to hold something, I'll reach down and lift either of their hands into position and say, "now, I need your clean hand" I glace at the hand I put into position and say, "no your CLEAN one" at this point I disgard the first hand and I reach down and pull their other hand into place. Looking at the second hand I say, "woah, that WAS your clean hand!" Yep it sound corney, but it gets reactions and it's not a put down.
Cabrera
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Special user
Seattle
513 Posts

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What kind of dog do you get if you cross Lassie with a Pit Bull?
A dog that will bite your arm off and then run for help!

Cabrera
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
Brett Cantrell
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New user
Valdosta, Georgia
71 Posts

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A priest and a rabbi walked into this bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Smile
wayman
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Special user
England - Sunderland
587 Posts

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Whats the difference between a duck??

Its middle leg is the same size!.

---------------

Two packets of biscuits were rolling down the hill on a summers day.

One packet said to the other "hello where do you live??"

The other packet replied "Im not telling you, you'll pinch my washing!!"

---------------

Ever been to a duck-do???

whats a duck-do??

It goes Quack Quack!!!

---------------



Silly...
Salazar Magic
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Veteran user
New Jersey
344 Posts

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"And now for the magic PASS..."
Turn to a lady and say, "So, what are you doing tonight?"
FTAMagician
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Loyal user
291 Posts

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One of my favorites...even though I haven't used it in a while...

"The end of this effect is like the guy that fell into the big vat of varnish at the paint factory...it was a horrible death, but a beautiful finish.."

well...
siborgotron
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New user
29 Posts

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-Everyone can roast beef
Bobcape
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Elite user
Rapid City, SD
470 Posts

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When someone asks if they may use your restroom, say "First, what's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?" When they answer that they don't know, say "Then no, you can't use my restroom!"

Sorry, that's pushing the envelope!
Be Amazed! + Enjoy The Magic!
Michaels
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Elite user
412 Posts

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What do you call a fly when you tear off it's wings? A walk. (It takes awhile for this one to sink in)

I once had a psychic girlfriend. She dumped me before we met.
(compliments of Larry Davidson)
"Our technology is ahead of our humanity"
Albert Einstein
Lee Darrow
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V.I.P.
Chicago, IL USA
3588 Posts

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"What's black and blue, brown on top, oozes red and lies in a gutter?"

Answer: "A brunette that's told too many blonde jokes!"

DOn't blame me - I'm both hard of seeing AND hair-ing Impaired!

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
http://www.leedarrow.com
<BR>"Because NICE Matters!"
Evan Williams
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Elite user
439 Posts

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"sir that's a very nice shirt"..."it'll come back in style if you keep wearing it"

Smile

- Bill Malone


Regards,

Evan
ChrisMagic52
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Loyal user
North Vancouver, Canada
216 Posts

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I usually say this to someone who walks around wearing a nametag:

"Hey you got a Nametag!"
"Yeah"
"I don't need one. I got my memorized"
DJP
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Veteran user
London
391 Posts

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Ok some pretty random ones from me,

Why did God invent golf?
So all men had an excuse to dress up like pimps. Smile

Whats the different between an Irish woman and an Irish Goddess?
About 5 pints

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you?

Dave
David
joseph
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Eternal Order
Please ignore my
17148 Posts

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What has 4 legs and an arm?
A pit bull.
Smile
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Doug Byrd
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Veteran user
VA
361 Posts

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How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100! One to actually screw it in and the other 99 to complain about how they could have done it better.
*********************************************

Albert Goshman used to walk up to a table and introduce himself and then tell them that he was a magician and that he was going to magish for them.

Which is much better then what my opening line used to be:
"Hi! I'm Doug Byrd the House Wizard and tonight I'm going to Wiz for you.
********************************************

When asked to do a trick, I politely decline. I say prostitutes do tricks, I on the other hand do magic effects (say this line in your best mock snobbery tone).
********************************************

Doug
"Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc"
zombieboy
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Special user
Connecticut, USA
889 Posts

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Why is a ham sandwich better than eternal happiness?

Well, nothing is better than eternal happiness, and a ham sandwich is certaintly better than nothing, therefore a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
augur
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New user
Portugal - Azores
27 Posts

Profile of augur
My psychiatrist told me something that brought tears to my eyes: "No hablo ingles."

Those who believe in telekenesis raise my hand.
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