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Larry Barnowsky Inner circle Cooperstown, NY where bats are made from 4770 Posts |
How about a Henny Youngman classic:
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and asks "What's wrong with me Doc." The Dr. replys "Mister Smith you're crazy." To that the patient responds "I want a second opinion." "Ok the doctor says, you're ugly." |
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fourofclubs New user Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada 6 Posts |
Why can't I set my laser printer on 'stun'?
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Andy Charlton Veteran user Palma Nova Mallorca Spain 311 Posts |
Write your name on that card with my marker pen, Now That's not just any old marker..............It's a magic marker TADAHHH!
Andy Actually, serious point here. I am the world's worst joke teller, No matter what the situation I can almost never make people laugh. But when I'm performing magic I can make people laugh, (In the right places!) Why? I don't understand. Andy
"Keep that smile on your face, that excitement in your eyes." - Don Driver
Check out www.andyandjeansbigadventure.com or www.andysmagic.com |
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Ron Crumley Elite user 1950 - 2012 448 Posts |
At a point in an effect when the audiences attention is focused on something about to happen, I'm say, as if I'm making an important anouncement; "At no time will my hands leave the ends of my arms!"
If I need a volunteer to hold something, I'll reach down and lift either of their hands into position and say, "now, I need your clean hand" I glace at the hand I put into position and say, "no your CLEAN one" at this point I disgard the first hand and I reach down and pull their other hand into place. Looking at the second hand I say, "woah, that WAS your clean hand!" Yep it sound corney, but it gets reactions and it's not a put down. |
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Cabrera Special user Seattle 513 Posts |
What kind of dog do you get if you cross Lassie with a Pit Bull?
A dog that will bite your arm off and then run for help! Cabrera
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
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Brett Cantrell New user Valdosta, Georgia 71 Posts |
A priest and a rabbi walked into this bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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wayman Special user England - Sunderland 589 Posts |
Whats the difference between a duck??
Its middle leg is the same size!. --------------- Two packets of biscuits were rolling down the hill on a summers day. One packet said to the other "hello where do you live??" The other packet replied "Im not telling you, you'll pinch my washing!!" --------------- Ever been to a duck-do??? whats a duck-do?? It goes Quack Quack!!! --------------- Silly... |
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Salazar Magic Veteran user New Jersey 344 Posts |
"And now for the magic PASS..."
Turn to a lady and say, "So, what are you doing tonight?" |
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FTAMagician Loyal user 291 Posts |
One of my favorites...even though I haven't used it in a while...
"The end of this effect is like the guy that fell into the big vat of varnish at the paint factory...it was a horrible death, but a beautiful finish.." well... |
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siborgotron New user 29 Posts |
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-Everyone can roast beef |
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Bobcape Elite user Rapid City, SD 470 Posts |
When someone asks if they may use your restroom, say "First, what's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?" When they answer that they don't know, say "Then no, you can't use my restroom!"
Sorry, that's pushing the envelope!
Be Amazed! + Enjoy The Magic!
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Michaels Elite user 412 Posts |
What do you call a fly when you tear off it's wings? A walk. (It takes awhile for this one to sink in)
I once had a psychic girlfriend. She dumped me before we met. (compliments of Larry Davidson)
"Our technology is ahead of our humanity"
Albert Einstein |
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Lee Darrow V.I.P. Chicago, IL USA 3588 Posts |
"What's black and blue, brown on top, oozes red and lies in a gutter?"
Answer: "A brunette that's told too many blonde jokes!" DOn't blame me - I'm both hard of seeing AND hair-ing Impaired! Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
http://www.leedarrow.com
<BR>"Because NICE Matters!" |
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Evan Williams Elite user 439 Posts |
"sir that's a very nice shirt"..."it'll come back in style if you keep wearing it"
- Bill Malone Regards, Evan |
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ChrisMagic52 Loyal user North Vancouver, Canada 216 Posts |
I usually say this to someone who walks around wearing a nametag:
"Hey you got a Nametag!" "Yeah" "I don't need one. I got my memorized" |
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DJP Veteran user London 391 Posts |
Ok some pretty random ones from me,
Why did God invent golf? So all men had an excuse to dress up like pimps. Whats the different between an Irish woman and an Irish Goddess? About 5 pints If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you? Dave
David
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
What has 4 legs and an arm?
A pit bull.
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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Doug Byrd Veteran user VA 361 Posts |
How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100! One to actually screw it in and the other 99 to complain about how they could have done it better. ********************************************* Albert Goshman used to walk up to a table and introduce himself and then tell them that he was a magician and that he was going to magish for them. Which is much better then what my opening line used to be: "Hi! I'm Doug Byrd the House Wizard and tonight I'm going to Wiz for you. ******************************************** When asked to do a trick, I politely decline. I say prostitutes do tricks, I on the other hand do magic effects (say this line in your best mock snobbery tone). ******************************************** Doug
"Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc"
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zombieboy Special user Connecticut, USA 889 Posts |
Why is a ham sandwich better than eternal happiness?
Well, nothing is better than eternal happiness, and a ham sandwich is certaintly better than nothing, therefore a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness. |
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augur New user Portugal - Azores 27 Posts |
My psychiatrist told me something that brought tears to my eyes: "No hablo ingles."
Those who believe in telekenesis raise my hand. |
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