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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Funny lines for magicians. What are yours? (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Bradley Morgan
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Hi, can you tell me some of your comic lines?
Here are some of mine.

"It's a wonderful new act. I open with three sheets of flash paper and close with a fire extinguisher."

"Are you worried? Don't be. There's no sense both of us worrying?

"Now this next trick requires the assistance of a gentleman in the audience?" (USUALLY
THERE'S A WEAK RESPONSE) "Well, how about the rest of youse guys?"

I know what you are thinking, stop while you are ahead.

The best is still to come.

"I always buy two tt's at a time. That way I can pass one of them out for examination."

"The hand is quicker than the eye---which explains why there are so many black eyes around."

"I used to do the SAWING A WOMAN IN HALF trick as a kid. In fact, I've got several half-sisters to prove it."

OK that's good for now. You probably have had
enough. Can you tell me some of your
one-liners. Or have I got all of them?

Thanks

Smile Smile Smile
"I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones." - Einstein
Georgia Boy
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The oldest & greatest one I think is when THEY say;

How did you do that?

You smile & say, "Very WELL, thank you."

**********

I love the "half-sister" joke Brad!
professorpopcorn
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Taunton Somerset U.K.
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When there's a cheeky youngster in the crowd there's always the timeless

'I love kids of that age - I couldn't eat a whole one!!!

Smile
When you're smilin'
When you're smilin'
The Whole World Smiles With You !!!
Tra-la-la
www.profpopcorn.co.uk
BroDavid
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America’s North Coast, Ohio
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I nearly always close my performances with this line;

I just want to say how much I have enjoyed having you all here.

And it is my hope that all of you equally enjoyed "Being Had!"

BroDavid
If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
professorpopcorn
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Taunton Somerset U.K.
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My shows always end with these lines.

"never stop believing in magic & never stop smiling - because all the time you're smiling, all the grown-ups will wonder what you've been doing "

It doesn't really mean anything but I always finish with a laugh.

Smile
When you're smilin'
When you're smilin'
The Whole World Smiles With You !!!
Tra-la-la
www.profpopcorn.co.uk
Peter Marucci
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Before or after a mental/psychic routine: "We all have the power in us to do this and things like this. Some have a little; some have a lot. I guess you might say that I'm full of it."

cheers,
Peter Marucci
Whiterabbit
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Kevin Mc Lean
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I tend to use humour sparingly, but, if I say something and for some reason it doesn't translate, I usually remark "Hmmm, that was almost like a joke. Except jokes are funny".

It usually gets a laugh.
May your fingers never lose their deftness,

May your tongue always lead them down the garden path...



Regards,



Whiterabbit
thehawk
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When somebody asks me to do a trick again, I say, "once is a trick, twice is a lesson" or I could tell you how I did that but then I'd have to kill you, so they don't ask.
Magnus Maccormack
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Calgary, Canada
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Quote:
When there's a cheeky youngster in the crowd there's always the timeless

'I love kids of that age - I couldn't eat a whole one!!!


Aren't kids great... especially with a nice, light Bernaise sauce.
magic_man_number3
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I saw a magician close his show with this:

"Out of all my audiences, you've been the most recent"

Or if there's a little kid who annoys you and keeps saying I know how you do that! just say:

"I'll wave my wand and your budgy will be dead!"

By the way I also love the half-sisters joke.
Sid Mayer
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When the laughter is weak, "I don't ask for laughter. An occasional nod of comprehension is sufficient."

Keep on nodding,

Sid

At one point, during a hydrostatic glass routine, I have a glass of red wine in my hand. I raise it and say, "I'd like to offer a toast to the brothers who made it possible for men to fly. Here's to Ernest and Julio Gallo."

(For readers outside the U.S., Gallo is a large and much advertised wine seller.)

Well, Jay Marshall liked it,

Sid
All the world's a stage ... and everybody on it is overacting.
Shenaniganz
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Cypress, CA
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It's ok if I see your card. I've seen this trick before.

Do you like the card you picked? Do you want to change your mind? No, your happy with the mind you have?
x-treem
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I have Biblical proof that there are NO woman in heaven. Revelations 8:1 ...there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.

God was an electrician, he took a rib from Adam and made the first speaker.

Not mine but I like these lines.
A direct from text adaptation : The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Starring Mickey Rooney in his final role.
kArDMaStA
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Greensboro, NC
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When you borrow a ring: What kind of ring isn't a ring? A bull ring!

At any point during a show you can ask "how many here are on welfare? (little response) and then say... oh.. looks like I'm getting better"

When doing a find a card trick, I like to pretend I can't find the card and when they tell me what it is I call them a liar. This usually gets a laugh.

When you use a magic wand say that it's mystick. This is an old joke but it's good.

And a visual gag. Put on a pair of big glasses and a clown nose and make a funny face.

I am king of cards.. anyone know where I keep my armies? Up my sleevies.

Point to someone in the front row and say
'does that shirt itch?' ..when they say no, say 'funny, it did when I gave it to the Salvation Army'.

I give money out every other day---too bad it's the other day.

Pick a card, any card, (and as they reach out you YELL) NOT THAT ONE!

Smile
Victor Brisbin
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Different strokes for different folks...I personally don't find "audience abuse jokes" funny. There's only one Don Rickles, but many magicians seem to love to "take the mickey out" of their spectators. I think some insult jokes could fly with the right personality, said with a big smile and tongue firmly in cheek. Magicians who can do this successfully are the exception, and not the rule. Smile
"It is better to practice a little than talk a lot." - Muso Kokushi
itsupyoursleeve
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When I get asked the usual question: how did you do it? I use the line mentioned already.....very well! I then follow it up with ....can you keep a secret? When they say yes and their eyes light up thinking they are going to find out say....so can I!!! and walk away.
Theamazing...
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There is a great book for sale called
"Sleight of Mouth". Full of one liners for magicians and entertainers. I know for sure you can order it from Daytona Magic. Good luck.

This next trick took a lot of drugs, alcohol and practice to get down perfectly. O.K! Not really the practice.

-Vic Smile
Sid Mayer
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And then there was the magician who had a problem with remembering things. It finally got so bad that he had to mark all of the cards in his one-way forcing deck.

It would be funnier if I could remember where I heard it.

Sid
All the world's a stage ... and everybody on it is overacting.
imico
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Richard Levinton, Long Island, NY.
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After doing some close-up cards, I'll say: "Now shake my hand!", I pause, and then say: "Okay, now count your fingers!" You'd be amazed at how many people look at their hands) Smile
Bradley Morgan
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Some funny stuff here.
Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

I got them out of two old books

Flip-Lines
and
Emcee's Goldmine

Both by Robert Orben

Some of it is so funny but it is a really old book so some of the stuff is over my head considering that I am only sixteen.

Oh Well

Here are a few more

Male Heckler-Stoppers

"When he dies he'll even give the worms indigestion."

"You know, when he goes to the circus, the freaks come out and look at him."

"What do you take----Ugly pills?"

"I know you're not responsible for having a face like that but at least you could stay at home where nobody could see it."

"Why don't you wait till after the show and we'll have a nice man to jerk talk?"

"You'll have to excuse him. He's having business troubles. Can't mind his own."

"There's a guy who's knock-kneed, cross-eyed, overweight and stupid-----and those are his good points."

"There's a guy who hits the nail squarely on the thumb."

"Sometimes I wish I were a little bird and you were a great big statue."

"Don't mind him. He's just trying to get ahead----and he certainly needs one."

"Look at him sitting there with his nose running. He's as happy as if he had a handkerchief."

"Well, we all can't be normal."

"There's a guy with a wonderful head of air."

"Why don't you go home? Your cage must be cleaned out by this time."

"And the trick you all have been waiting for, My last one."

Hope you enjoy and will be able to use something here if you ever get in a situation with a heckler you will now have a whole bunch of stuff to kill him with.
But be nice. Smile

Bye for now

Brad
"I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones." - Einstein
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