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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Funny lines for magicians. What are yours? (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Thomas Wayne
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I can't imagine using ANY of these lines, and I can't imagine enjoying a performer who would.

Regards,
Thomas Wayne
MOST magicians: "Here's a quarter, it's gone, you're an idiot, it's back, you're a jerk, show's over." Jerry Seinfeld
kArDMaStA
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I disagree, I think most of those lines are great for the right audience. All except the Chewing gum/Juicy Fruit one which is obviously a reference to gay people.

I'm not that way inclined or anything but those guys get a hard enough time from Christians and other religious types so I'd avoid lines like that
Bradley Morgan
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Hello everyone

Well I just picked out some from the book.
I agree with Mr. Victor Brisbin.
I don't and will not likely ever use any of these jokes I posted.
Some of them are funny. But I am never near a crowd doing magic for people I would have to use those lines on. Yes some are very harsh but still very funny. As for the gay joke I did not mean to put that one in.

Just for the Smile Smile Smile of it.

Brad
"I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones." - Einstein
Peter Marucci
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Gotta agree with Thomas Wayne on this thread: Any form of audience abuse is -- or should be -- verboten!
Remember, members of the audience are your guests; treat them as you would treat guests in your home.
There are many reasons someone may be a heckler: He or she may really believe it adds something to the show; he or she may not be actually heckling but simply commenting; the magician may be truly bad! Etc., etc.
Bottom line: There is simply NO excuse for mistreating members of the audience.
But, if you can find one, then use your own intelligence and don't rely on really bad canned patter!
cheers,
Peter Marucci
Joey Evans
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Okay, I guess I have an entirely different opinion than most here. I don't consider it audience abuse, it's audience interaction. I got my start doing comedy clubs, and at those, the spectators LOVE to be "picked" on. They go and tell their friends everything said and they love it.

Of course, if you do it in a hateful manner and to be vengeful, of course that is not appropriate, but that seems to be to me, common sense. I love picking on people, but you must be able to read people. The people I pick on are usually the people who love me most after the show. They eat it up. I always say at the end, Man I love this guy. What a sport. Sometimes he gets applause.

People love it, again it goes to your personality. If you feel you can't get away with it, don't do it. There are some that can use this as an asset and make a much more interactive show. As far as not using canned humor, you won't believe the canned humor that's used. I've done comedy shows with several big time comedians, one I opened for often is David Spade.

He has notecards with one-liners he reads before every show, and if he gets a chance to use them, great. If not, he may next time. It makes him look quick. You don't make it sound canned, of course.

So I guess my point is, it's all in the presentation. I see presentations all the time that I could not pull off or some that I don't find enjoyable. But do I believe they are bad and shouldn't be done? No, they have their audiences. I could never pull off a serious mentalist routine, but some can. It's all in the presentation.

The world is huge and full of different personalities.

My 2 cents,

Joey Brummett
Fort Myers Magic
The Visual Comedy and Magic of Joey Evans

http://www.Evansmagic.com/



The Impossible Has Never Been So Funny!
Missing_Link
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Quote:
On 2002-08-25 06:52, Peter Marucci wrote:

Remember, members of the audience are your guests; treat them as you would treat guests in your home.


And, if you work the streets, you're going to rely on those audience members to pay you. Have a laugh with the audience, not at them. If you offend them, there is not much chance of them paying.

Having said that, there have been numerous occasions when I have felt like hurling abuse at disruptive and unpleasant audience members...
mike4dice
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WOW! There are some great ideas in this thread. First time I looked at it.

Here's one of my favorites:

When you drop something (and you will!)

"That was caused by a sudden surge of gravity!"

mike Smile
"Talents are best nurtured in solitude; but character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world." - Goethe
magicmondo
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This is not really magic, but it is a whole card routine that I use, full of visual humor and one-line gags, and it gets a great response (well usually anyway). I use it as an ice breaker at informal gatherings where I am asked to do some magic. You need 3 packs of cards (one of which is an Inv Deck or Brainwave)

Gag 1 – fan the cards and ask them to choose a card – only make sure you fan them FACE UP whilst explaining that it is important that they do not let you see the card they choose.

Once they realize the mistake, look sheepish and turn the cards the right way (BACK SIDE UP) and repeat – but I usually throw in the old “NOT THAT ONE” gag at this point too.

I say, “Let’s do this another way” and spread the cards face down and ask the spec to simply slide one card out of the deck, keeping it face down.

While the card is still lying face down on the table, I hand the second standard deck to the spec and ask them to make sure that I don’t touch it again. Throughout the routine I then make clumsy attempts to get hold of the deck sporadically – and the spec usually protects the deck like his/her life depended upon it. Do this as much or as little as you like.

Pick up the face down card and rip it to pieces and place them out of sight somewhere. Ask the spec to name their card – they of course never saw it and can’t tell you. Horseplay with the spec about this for a few moments, you know the drill. Quickly fan through the cards so the spec sees them quickly and ask them to watch carefully and work out which card is missing. Unless you have picked Einstein you should be okay!

This farce ends with you trying again and having them pick a card using whatever fashion you prefer and having the spec LOOK AT IT.

Then claim that you knew what card they picked – ask the spec to open up the other deck and announce whether they find a duplicate of the card they chose – a miracle, it is there.

The audience will usually groan and hurl appropriate abuse in my direction – and this is the time to get out the BW or ID and reveal their card face up in the deck.
Experience the Magic of Mondo

Visit me at www.magicmondo.com

"If there was no such thing as magic, I would look pretty foolish standing up here"
nums
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I did not come up with the funniest line I have heard but one of my specs did. When asked how I did it, I told him, if I tell you, I have to kill you, to which he said
"then tell my wife will ya" now I say 'IF I tell you, I will have to kill you, want me to tell your wife/husband"? told with a big smile and a just kidding afterwards, this always draws a round of laughter in this way to P/C world
MrHonesty
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No Monty Python Fans huh?
Remember if you enjoyed watching this show half as much as I enjoyed performing it then I enjoyed it twice as much as you.

I can just hear Michael Palin saying this deadpan and it always cracks me up.

Andy
BroDavid
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Thanks for establishing the credits on that line MrHonesty.

I thought that I created it, since I couldn't recall ever hearing it, and in my way of thinking, it just makes sense. But in my younger days I was a bit of a Monty Python fan, so that is probably where I heard it.

BroDavid
If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
owen.daniel
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My Favorite one liner has to be when you reach into your pocket at the start of a card routine say:

All though I don't look it, I'm actually a bit of an ardvark... sorry a card sharp.

This works best in an impromptu situation Smile Smile
The Village Idiots
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Well I guess I am a little apalled at all of the hack material I have just read. Come on people. Don't quote professionals material here without giving them credit. I mean you're telling these lines like they are for everyone to feel free to use. I guess if you're just doing tricks for your friends it won't hurt anyone but yourself, but come on!!!

On the subject of heckler lines. Those who think it is mean to use them have obviously never been heckled on a daily basis. It is my show. I will keep control. The rest of the audience deserves that. I will not let some creep or a kid that has not been taught better, disrupt the show for everyone else. No I won't be offensive, but I will shut them up.

My fav. and this is mine, not hack. If a kid is yelling; it happens no matter how good your show is. I have worked a lot of theme parks doing 4 shows a day 6 days a week. I have no control over who wanders into the theater.

Anywho, enough ranting. If a kid is bugging me.

"Hey kid, do your parents know where you are?"

They always say, "Yeah"

"Well go remind them"

The audience busts a gut and they shut up. Sometimes the crowd claps and the little #@*! gets up and leaves. AHHH.

Sillily, Will
Some are born idiots.

Some are made idiots.

Some have idiocy thrust upon them.
Peter Marucci
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To be truly funny, a line must be part of the performer.
There are few things as pathetic as someone trying to graft onto their act "canned" humor, especially what most people consider non-funny humor (of the Orben variety?).
Usable funny lines will come from performance situations, not from commercial "joke" books.
And, coming from YOUR performance situations will make them YOUR lines. Not only will they be original with you, they will be impossible for anyone else to copy!
Remember, a poor original is still better than a good copy.
Smile
hawkbird
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A one liner I like, is when having someone think of a black queen and remember it, then remind them that it can't be Rupaul. Not being prejudice or picking on gays... just funny!
Danny Hustle
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Quote:
On 2002-10-07 06:32, Peter Marucci wrote:
To be truly funny, a line must be part of the performer.
There are few things as pathetic as someone trying to graft onto their act "canned" humor, especially what most people consider non-funny humor (of the Orben variety?).
Usable funny lines will come from performance situations, not from commercial "joke" books.
And, coming from YOUR performance situations will make them YOUR lines. Not only will they be original with you, they will be impossible for anyone else to copy!
Remember, a poor original is still better than a good copy.
Smile


You know Peter I love your posts. I agree with you about 99% of the time. But this is one of those 1%'ers.

I have been tempted to tip this for sometime but have bitten my tongue. It is too good to let out, but I'm gonna do it.

Robert Orben is one of the funniest guys who has ever lived. His material ESPECIALLY THE OLD STUFF is HYSTERICAL.

People remember that he wrote speeches for Gerry Ford.. They forget that he wrote for Skelton, Carson, Gleason, etc...

Some BIG magic names that use stock Orben lines in their shows today that I have heard you all laugh at (Yes even you, don't shake your head).

Billy McComb
Terry Seabrooke
Tom Mullica
GAZZO

and the list goes on..

The old short Robert Orben patter books (pamphlets) are probably the best stock gag files a magician can work from.

You have to know how to rework the material but some of it is down right brilliant. I also suggest that you go out and buy as many vaudeville black out sketches as you can get your hands on. Not to mention the work of George De Lawrence.

This old material is funny, real funny.

It has all been out of print for almost 40 years and that is why I mention it.

You will be hard pressed to find it, but if you know where to look....

Another surprise. I have heard reworked Orben lines 17 times in the past two weeks used on T.V. by pro commedians. Lewis Black, Jay Leno, John Stewart, Dave Letterman, and a host of others. Leno and Letterman use reworked Orben material almost daily. There is gold in them thar books.

Now the bad news. ANY of the Robert Orben books you can get from Amazon.com or in your local bookstore are AWFUL!!!

You MUST find the 40 year old patter booklets that he released almost monthly. there is a lot of junk in these too but there is some real jewels too.

There I said it. I hate to admit it but it is true.

Best,

Dan-
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"MT is one of the reasons we started this board! I’m so sick of posts being deleted without any reason given, and by unknown people at that." - Steve Brooks Sep 7, 2001 8:38pm
©1999-2014 Daniel Denney all rights reserved.
Andy Wonder
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I have a funny little line I use in my kids show with Rocky Racoon. Just after I have some of the kids pet him & get a few ewwes and r's about how cute he is Rocky jumps at a few of the older children and goes out of control so I have to lock him back in his cage.

At this point I say to the children 'he didn't bite anybody did he?'. Children being children usually an older boy will protest he was bitten by Rocky. At this point I ask where he was bitten so I can kiss it better and make loud kissing noises. It usually gets a laugh when the child quicky changes tact and protests that he in fact was not really bitten at all.

One day when doing this little piece a child replied 'yeah he bit me on the butt'. All the other kids burst into laughter. So now I always add that little bit and pretend to hear that the child actually said that. Just paraphrase something to that affect. It always gets a great laugh with kids for me.

You are safer picking an older boy age 7 or above for this. Making kissing butt jokes with a sweet little girl could be taken the wrong way by the adults watching.
Andy Wonder, Auckland, New Zealand
Peter Marucci
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Danny,
You find Orben's old stuff funny; I don't.
No big deal; that's what makes horseraces!

As someone once said, "Trying to analyze comedy is like dissecting a frog: No one much cares -- and the frog dies."

Besides, I picked Orben only as one example; there are many, many more. And I find them all equally bad. (Note: I said "I" find them equally bad; I didn't say they "were" bad; once again, it's a matter of taste!)

Danny, you pretty much prove my point by saying that "You have to know how to rework the material. . ."

That makes it YOUR material; it is no longer the canned humor to which I was referring.

But you are 101 percent right on the fact that the old material is priceless!

Vaudeville blackout sketches, old radio comedy shows, you name it. The Abbott and Costello "Who's On First" routine is one of their old vaudeville sketches; it was crowbarred into about half the movies they made, and is still today considered the funniest sketch ever written!
And I agree!
I hope you do, too!
Smile
Samuel Catoe
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When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! Smile

Samuel
Author of Illusions of Influence, a treatise on Equivoque.
PM me for details and availability.
Codex Reader
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Spread a deck face up in your hands and tell the spectator, "pick a card and don't tell me what it is". Most of the time, they start to pick a card before they realize we both can see all the cards.

I then flip the deck over and middle finger the bottom card to the middle of the fan and slightly forward about an inch and move it back and forth then say, "pick a card, any card."

Sounds corny but always gets a laugh.
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