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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Funny lines for magicians. What are yours? (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Peter Marucci
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Don't worry, Mark.
Most of the "magicians" who use the line don't know what it means, either!
Smile
mvmagic
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A few of my eternal favorites audience responses to really well...

"Are you insured?"

"You´re about to see a demonstration of precise timing and incredible skill. And after I have removed my coat I will do some magic"

"We´re going to attempt something that actually has killed magicians in the past. But not to worry, I will be completely safe. (handing the few props to the assisting spectator) Better that you take these..."
Sent from my Typewriter
simage
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Hey mvmagic, I like your last line as an opener for a card stab routine. Usually I give the knife to the spectator but I think I'll start out next time by saying something like, "Now we come to the part in this trick which has killed many a magician, here you hold this and I'll take the knife....."
Obviously you would pause and then switch back around, but you could ask if they are insured, etc. Also, humor in which we make fun of ourselves is not too offensive to the audience at worst and can be very funny at best. Smile
Definitely a nerd, in science, technology, and magic.
Billy Whizz
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When asking for a volunteer, "If you want to help, put your hand up (pause) if you've got your arms folded"

Ask helper "What's your name? And how long have you been called John (or whatever the name is)" You get all sorts of answers.
amazingboz
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Sometimes I will end my act by saying,
"Now I am going to say 5 magic words and make myself disappear...Thank You and
Good Night." I then bow and walk off stage.

It may sound corny, but I do get good feedback from audience

Phil aka AmazingBoz
kasper777
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Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.
swerdnase
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I try to avoid the audience insult jokes and put the joke back on me.

1. "And have we ever met before? And why do you think that is? The restraining order?"

2. I could always go back to my old job as:

A proofreader for "M&Ms." That's not that easy, if they get sideways, they can be mistaken for "E&Es."

A caddie for Putt-Putt Golf -- I got the club selection thing figured out.

Socks -- what can I say; I'm a people person.

A "Before" in a "Before and After" Modeling Agency – we never got to mingle with the "Afters."

A Personal Landlord – I used to sublet my pants. I have no idea what this means.

A Grammer Agent -- I used to lease out double entendres, and I think you know what I mean when I say "lease out."

A specialist in a tailor shop – whenever anyone wanted a 'perfect fit,' I'd come out and throw one. (Rip Taylor 1975)

A top-secret spy. Oh, wait, never mind, forget I said that.

I have a flea circus. This is a step up from the head lice circus I had before. It was like my own little Cirque du Soleil of my scalp – except not entertaining and very itchy.

A mind reader – I quit because I tried to read my own mind and got caught in a bad feedback loop. But it was a good job because I learned I'm not paranoid, people really did hate me.

A methadone reseller – you need a very dry mouth for this.

A dental floss recycler – you need a very wet mouth for this.

An X-Rated balloon animal maker.— I used to get my balloons for free lying around in parking lots.

A salt lick

An Escape artist – I would draw pictures of people struggling to get out of ropes and chains.


My brother is at Harvard Medical School -- he has two heads and is in a bottle at the lab.

In fact, I did a pilot out in Hollywood last week. There's a chance he'll let me move in with him.
I love this stuff!

Tim

tim@insidemagic.com
www.insidemagic.com
rkrahlmann
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Whenever you're using a young volunteer, (under 12) ask them their name, age and if they're married. This usually gets a laugh.
cardfreakhk
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She picks a card. "Show all your friends." She puts it back. "Alright... I am not your friend."

"Believe me, I can remember all the cards. I am the second good memory person in the entire world... ah??? Who is the first??? I cannot remember..."

Michael Lam Smile
Don't just dream, stay awake and action!
Joey Evans
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I thought I would put my two cents in since I read many good lines in here. Here are lines I use, some original, some not.

After a selection of a card, I say, "If I had to guess, I'd say your card was a red card, would I be right?" No? I'm glad I don't guess."

Is your card a red card? No? Actually they're all red cards. *Show red backs of red deck*

People ask if you have to go to a special school to learn magic, no, you have to ditch school to learn magic.

During the pick a card gag where the card moves, "Go ahead and pick a card, if one tends to stick out, feel free to pick that one."

If I drop something, "That's my floor show as you see it's picking up."

Do Sybil (a type of false flourish), "I'm now going to cut in a way similar to the way you cut at home."

If you borrow a $100.00 for a routine, every time you mention it lower the value. "So, let's recap, you sir, gave me a fifty, which I then put, what? Hundred? Whatever." "So now, let's take the envelope with the twenty." etc...

These are just some from the top of my head.
The Visual Comedy and Magic of Joey Evans

http://www.Evansmagic.com/



The Impossible Has Never Been So Funny!
Zorak
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These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole...er...um...got it from.
Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.
Magic is in the hearts of children from 1 to 101
Please check out my Website: kiddiekazam.com
FREE ORIGINAL CLIPART FOR MAGICIANS & CLOWNS
PROP DESIGNS
MAGIC CARTOONS all drawn by Zorak
Chris Berry
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Quote:
1. "And have we ever met before? And why do you think that is? The restraining order?"




Best I've seen here in a while!!!


Chris
Chrystal
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Wow! I luv a guy that lays his cards on the table! (waits for comedic pause) Master Card, Visa, American Express... Smile
mforteath
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Hey Brad, those lines are cool. I noticed some people say that they would never use them, but given the right situation, I bet they would!

I recently did a small show for all of my friends. When it came time to use the finger chopper, I got a mate to come and help. I showed the audience how sharp the blade is, and then looked at my mate. He was very unsure. Now, I said, I know what you are thinking, and I guess it would fit through the hole, but I am not at all interested in those parts of your anatomy, so I will settle with your finger. It got a laugh but I would pick the audience for that line!

Mark.
sdgiu
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Quote:
On 2003-02-06 22:06, Zorak wrote:
These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole... er... um... got it from.

Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.


Zorak
The first one is from Groucho Smile Marx, and I believe the second is also, but I'm not sure. The third I have heard, but cannot place.

Steve Smile
zzz

P.S. Great Thread
P.P.S. I try to steal my best stuff from Groucho, WC Fields, & Abbott & Costello. Smile
Zorak
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A few more oldies from God knows where. I did this next trick at a midget convention last week... 300 midgets. I got a standing ovation and didn't even know it! (indicating size of midgets).

NOTE: To be politically correct you may want to say elves instead of midgets.)

Here is another: You are a good looking kid. You get your looks from your parents, you know. That's called heredity. Heredity, in other words, if your parents didn't have any kids, it's a good chance you won't either.

How about when you are positioning a kid volunteer to your left. You might say.
"Stand here on my right side. I would have you stand on my left... but that wouldn't be right."

An aside---Did you ever have someone ask you what you do and you reply, "I'm a magician." Only to have them come back with the retort," Oh yeah, what instrument do you play?" I always answer, "Your mind!"

Check out my website for free magic clipart at: kiddiekazam.com Smile
Magic is in the hearts of children from 1 to 101
Please check out my Website: kiddiekazam.com
FREE ORIGINAL CLIPART FOR MAGICIANS & CLOWNS
PROP DESIGNS
MAGIC CARTOONS all drawn by Zorak
paraguppie
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Some very funny stuff here. I read on "T-Meyers Magic" a great line for tips. When someone asks "do you work for tips?" you reply "yeah, the IRS is doing some sort of fund raiser and somehow I got involved." This gets a laugh EVERY time. I also like the lines for kids like "are you married?", but I go on with "what do you do for a living" (mom and dad usually like that one, the kid has no idea what to say) and my favorite "do you have any cool tattoos?". This one kills parents, kids under 10 or so. I can't give credit, cause I have no idea where they came from.
Keith Smile
Check me out at www.magickeith.com
inidyls
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Does anybody here have anything original!!!
(The topic is Funny lines for magicians. What are yours?) These's are yours so please give credit where credit is due! Smile
Rival11
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A lot of your problems would not agree with my method - but I am normally vulgar when I am performing - mainly because I do my magic while out at bars, now please understand that I don't have a truckers mouth or anything, but I have been told after many performances that I am very funny, (which I love) one guy came up to me and told me that he was having one of the worst days ever until he caught my act, he said he liked the way I downed my spectators in a nice way.

I love to get my spectators frustrated because at first they think I'm a jerk but after only a couple of minutes I have them all laughing very hard - it's just the way I like to do things - I don't recommend using
"bad words" but hey, if it's your thing and you like it, but more importantly your audience likes it, then get out there and make them laugh!!!
"Don't ever think you're better than everyone else because if you do, we will prove you wrong"
Smudge
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A good put down....

Didn't you heckle me about five years ago? I never forget a suit.
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