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Profile of Mahlstrom
I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! Smile

I believe that line comes from Robert Bloch, author of "Psycho".

Samuel Catoe
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Very good Mahlstrom. But you are only part right. It is a quote from Bloch himself. I had the chance to meet him once and he said this was his answer when people asked him why he wrote for a living.

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There is definitely some good stuff here and lots more out there but we have to remember not to force these lines. Only say what comes naturally or it’s just corny. I have become fond of a few one-liners throughout the years but I treat them like a Swiss Army Knife. I always have them in my pocket ready to go at a moments notice but like they say if it’s not broken don’t fix it.

Of course some tricks do come with canned jokes and that is ok but don’t let things become mechanical or your audience will sense that.

I worked at a theme park last year and I performed the same card trick on stage at least five times a day. I discovered real fast that a few jokes went over real well all the time and made my job real easy.

After letting the volunteer shuffle the deck, I would tell him to ”think of his card and only his card so I could read his mind.” While fumbling through the deck for awhile and conveniently placing his card at the top of the deck for the purpose of the trick, I stop and with a confused look ask him,
“Who’s Stephanie?” This works great if he is there with his wife or girlfriend but no matter what, he gets a confused or even an embarrassed look and you get a good laugh.

Now, let him know you were kidding. Avoid the temptation to claim psychic powers because odds are he will have known a girl named Stephanie at one point in his life. Heck it might be his mom’s name.

Remember it is just a joke and the laughs are worth a lot more then people thinking you are psychic. That’s an example of a canned joke that I did every time with that particular trick because it ALWAYS worked and it actually served as misdirection to make the trick easier to pull off.

On the other hand, here are some other jokes that I had up my sleeve but only used if they worked.

“Now I’m going to read your mind with my psychotic powers… Uh PSYCHIC powers.”

“Have we ever met before?” (no)… “hmmm yeah would you like to meet again sometime”

”Where you from?” (they reply) “SORRY?” (they repeat) “No, I heard you, I was just sorry.”

After unsuccessfully fumbling through the deck looking for his card. “Hey, have you ever had your mind read before?” (they reply NO) “Yeah it looks like it's going to stay that way, let's do something else…”

The most important thing to remember is, these lines are to flavor your routine. Your tricks and routines should be strong enough that these lines are just icing on the cake.

Now we all know that every audience is different and some are tougher then others, I have another Swiss army knife filled with little lines that keep the pace of the show going. Or in other words, if you feel like you are starting to lose your audience you can throw a quick joke out there and grab everyone’s attention, even make them laugh.

Some examples of these are:

When you take someone up on stage and you are telling them where to stand, say, “ok stand right here on the trap door!” they will always look down and you just keep going with the trick. This will confuse a few people and amuse the rest!!!

At any time during the show if you need to pick up the pace you can pull an old faithful:

Ask a spectator “Do you have a handkerchief?” when they say no, say, "Ok, just use your sleeve then, cause you have a little something hanging from your nose." Make the gestures and it can be hilarious.

Borrow A $20.00 bill from someone then look back. “Who gave me this again? What was your name?" The owner says, "I did and name" You say, "Great, thanks a lot," and put it in your pocket You can also say, "You all witnessed what he said, right? He GAVE ME this money."

Now remember you don’t want anyone feeling bad at your show. Granted I do my fair share of embarrassing audience members because it is funny but you always want to acknowledge that you were kidding and make/turn the joke somewhere else, (the magician is a good idea.)

After picking on someone else, try this out.
“It’s just a joke, pretty sad huh? Yeah I have to pick on innocent audience members for a cheap laugh that’s how pathetic I am”
That way you are the butt of the joke and everyone is happy!

I also love throwing in a random joke in the middle of a trick when they have nothing in common. Have fun!!!

Dr Dark
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" I have a soft spot for kids. its called a swamp " Smile
Reg Rozee
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When performing a card effect like "Galaxy" where I want the spectator to deal the cards as fast as possible, I ask them to try and do it "without thinking, to unlock your psychic potential". Then at the conclusion of the effect, I say "See what you can do when you DON'T put your mind to it?" Smile

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Kathryn Novak
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Spec: "Can I shuffle?"

Me: "Let me finish this card trick, and then you can dance."

This usually confuses the spec and makes everyone else laugh.
If anyone sees my sanity, please return it to

Ellen Kotzin
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Profile of Ellen Kotzin
My favorites: (from Harry Anderson)

"The trick that made Ray Charles blind.."

(After doing the needle thru the arm routine) "Spit is good for germs, it gets in their eyes and they lunge at each other."

"You think it's happenin' but it ain't"

"If a chicken and a half could lay an egg and a half in a day in a half, how long does it take a monkey to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?"

"You can beat the cards but you can never beat the game."

"if that IS your real name"

"Never take candy from a stranger unless he offers you a ride."

"Cause things get kind of exciting now..."

"No one moves, no one gets hurt"

"Go figure?"

"Where quality is not just a word, it's a noun."

"Watch, Watch... Watch."

"Hi, I'm Harry, but aren't we all?"

"You can't believe what I say because I'm a pathological liar, but not really."

"You gotta get up pretty early in the morning, so why not go to bed now?"

"If you can't laugh at yourself, then you've never seen what you look like sleeping."
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Profile of gtxby33
Well, it's not really a line but when you fan a deck and say pick a card, I usually pop off the bottom card with my index and move it where ever the spectators finger is going.... there is a video of it at
It's called "pick a card"
white hats rule.
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On 2002-08-24 18:38, magicbrad wrote:
Some funny stuff here.
Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

I got them out of two old books

Emcee's Goldmine

Both by Robert Orben

Some of it is so funny but it is a really old book so some of the stuff is over my head considering that I am only sixteen.

Oh Well

Here are a few more

Male Heckler-Stoppers

"When he dies, he'll even give the worms indigestion."

"You know, when he goes to the circus, the freaks come out and look at him."

"What do you take----Ugly pills?"

"I know you're not responsible for having a face like that but at least you could stay at home where nobody could see it."

"Why don't you wait till after the show and we'll have a nice man to jerk talk?"

"You'll have to excuse him. He's having business troubles. Can't mind his own."

"There's a guy, who's knock-kneed, cross-eyed, overweight and stupid----- and those are his good points."

"There's a guy who hits the nail squarely on the thumb."

"Sometimes I wish I were a little bird and you were a great big statue."

"Don't mind him. He's just trying to get ahead----and he certainly needs one."

"Look at him sitting there with his nose running. He's as happy as if he had a handkerchief."

"Well, we all can't be normal."

"There's a guy with a wonderful head of air."

"Why don't you go home? Your cage must be cleaned out by this time."

"And the trick you all have been waiting for, My last one."

Hope you enjoy and will be able to use something here if you ever get in a situation with a heckler you will now have a whole bunch of stuff to kill him with.
But be nice. Smile

Bye for now


I think you forgot that magic is to entertain people, not to be bad with them (your lines are not funny at all)
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Profile of MOTO42
Eh, these somehow seem appropriate. During rehersals of The Man in the Iron Mask (I was playing Gaston, one of the kings 2 advisors) my partner and I were talking in the background so it wouldn't look like we were just standing around waiting for our cue. The improv conversation went something like this.

Gaston: "I don't see why the peasents are complaining, it wasn't a very large fire."
Mike: "It destroyed 2 buildings and killed 3 men."
Gaston: "Yes but they died in the spice warehouse and were roasted to perfection. That could feed a family of four for 2 weeks."
Mike: "I bet I could eat half of one by tommorow."
Gaston: "I bet you couldn't eat half a leg by tommorow."
Mike: "Sounds like a wager, 10 franks?"
Gaston: "Make it 20."
*as we shake on the bet, the King turns around."
King: "Gaston, what has the chef prepared for my meal tonight?"

Thank whomever, it was just rehersals, I was laughing for quite awhile.

(Had I thought fast enough, I should have said "I believe the peasents have prepared something special for you tonight.")

More on topic though...
"This trick is so cool, that the first time I got it to work I got frostbite and couldn't use my hands for a week. Which is why you'll be doing it."
Bonus points if you find a way, stealthily chill the Mark's hands as the trick progresses.
"One man's miracle is another man's warm-up"
Vinnie Anderson
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Whenever someone asks me how I did the trick
I always ask, can you keep a secret, when they say yes, I say, SO CAN I

Smile Smile
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Everybody uses that line these days. Who said it first?
"One man's miracle is another man's warm-up"
Mikael Eriksson
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For an adult audience:

"Do you like my new suit? I got it from my wife. It was hanging on a chair in the bedroom one day when I surprised her by coming home for lunch. It's not really my size, but..."

"I used to do "Sawing a lady in half" with a friend of mine. She's a nice girl, she lives in New York and Boston..."


On 2002-10-28 21:01, Dr Dark wrote:
"I have a soft spot for kids. It's called a swamp" Smile

Unless swamp has another meaning, than what I know, I think your "joke" was extremely distasteful.

Larry Davidson
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And I think the joke was extremely funny. Obviously, the way you say it and where you say it is important. If you can't make it work for you, simply don't use it.
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I would agree with Larry on that one, if you used the line at a kids party, it would probably not go so well.
However, if you were to use it at an 'I hate kids' convention you might get a laugh or two.

As with all comedy, it is all about the time and the place.

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are
Larry Davidson
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I've never heard of an "I hate kids" convention, but I'd use the line, for example, if I were performing in a restaurant for a table of adults only, and a kid at another table nearby was screaming and disrupting others.
Mikael Eriksson
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Ok, obviously this joke gives totally different associations to Americans. It can be a cultural difference of course. To me it reminds me too much of snatched children that are later found dead in some swamp.


No hard feelings.

Larry Davidson
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Mikael, you're right, it probably is a cultural difference. If it evoked the image of a snatched child at the bottom of a swamp in my mind, I certainly would not find that funny. No hard feelings to you either.
Zach Allen
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Profile of Zach Allen
"I couldn't ask for a better audience... that would be rude".

One time I was performing in front of my classmates in school for a project and one of them volunteered and came up to me and I noticed that he had one of his hands in his pocket. I felt it was an appropriate time to use the line, "Jordan, (my friend) please take your hand out of your pocket, I'll provide the entertainment."

It took a couple of minutes for me to get their attention again. Needless to say, my teacher wasn't too happy about that comment, but I did get an A, so... Smile
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Mark Ennis
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I thought the kid in the swamp joke was one of the only funny lines posted on this thread.

I am so glad that someone didn't say that they asked the audience to give the cards a "shiffle". Some magicians think it is funny but I read somewhere where lay-people think this is one of the worst jokes ever and when the magician isn't looking, they stick their middle finger up at them.

I made up the middle finger part but I do know that lay-people do not think this joke is funny.

Here is another joke that is stupid..

"Can you tell one card from the other? Well which one is the other?"

I am not even sure I know what that joke means.
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