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Leland Stone
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Hiya, Magi:

It's not the usual type of heckler-stopper, and I'm not sure that it will ever come up again, but last night while doing strolling magic, a teenager grabbed my vest and demanded to know if THAT (indicating an inner pouch—on the vest, not me!) had anything to do with "it" (the magic he'd just seen).

I thought about making wise with the comments, but instead just started grabbing at the kid's T-shirt (not actually touching him) and basically doing my best chimp-like mimicry of his own motions: cocking my head to one side, opening my eyes wide in a quizzical way, etc. The crowd seemed to love it, a few people found it hilarious and laughed out loud, and the kid immediately mellowed out.

Jane Goodall documentary from Discovery.com: $39.99
Cheesy vest with a badly-hidden utility pouch: $8.00
Showing a smarmy little primate what he REALLY looks like: Priceless

Leland
Vibono Magic
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First one is an opner I heard from I beleave it is Petter Cook in a Monty Phyton special

"I have suffered for the sake of my art for manny years, and tonight it is your turn!"

The second one is from a spanishmagician (I don't know if it is his own)

"It is time for the trick you all been waiting for...
The Last one."

I have done some lines for so manny years that I don't remember where I got them from.

"Thanks for letting me borow this bill. It was 10 years sence I did this dissepearing money trick now and I realy enjoy beeing out again"

"Would you like to earn 100$? ok meet me after the show"

For a rockt raccoon rutine
"He is not real...Used to be thou"

And finaly

"Thank you you'v been the best audience I'v ever plaed for! I know it's an old line but that what was written in my script"
Vibono Mirage
Magic entertainer and Balloon artist
mattmann101
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Blackburn, Lancashire (of 4000 holes)
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LOL. I like the vast majority of these lines, it's just a shame that I've forgotten the vast majority already!

"Could you raise your hands a little lower please?"
- Always good with a sly look to the rest of the audience as the spec raises or lowers their hands!

"Put your hands the same distance apart"

Other advanteages of these are they get the specs thinking of things other than burning your hands, though I think that's a good feature of any comedy in magic!
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2002-09-04 18:47, mike4dice wrote:
WOW! There are some great ideas in this thread. First time I looked at it.

Here's one of my favorites:

When you drop something (and you will!)

"That was caused by a sudden surge of gravity!"

mike Smile


I had a friend of mine who wasn't a magician, whenever something around him fell he'd go; "Gravity check!" Look at the item on the ground and continue; "Yep, it still works!"

Quote:
On 2002-10-13 01:25, Samuel Catoe wrote:
When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! Smile

Samuel


I think that was Boris Karloff.

Quote:
On 2003-01-09 15:56, rkrahlmann wrote:
Whenever you're using a young volunteer, (under 12) ask them their name, age and if they're married. This usually gets a laugh.


I used to do David Ginn's Linking Ring Routine with a young boy and girl from the audience. I would ask the boy his name, age and if he was married. Then I'd ask the girl her name, age and if she was married. When she said "no," I pause, look back at the first volunteer and say; "Bobby, I think I got somebody for you here!"

Parents seem to like it!

Quote:
On 2003-01-11 01:56, cardfreakhk wrote:
She picks a card. "Show all your friends." She puts it back. "Alright... I am not your friend."

"Believe me, I can remember all the cards. I am the second good memory person in the entire world... ah??? Who is the first??? I cannot remember..."

Michael Lam Smile


I remember a guy talking about performing for British journalists. He started his routine saying; "They say the second thing to go is your memory..." and someone heckled; "Oh yeah, and 'What's the first? I can't remember!' You'll have to do better than that!" the magician responded; "I wasn't going to say that... I would never say that in a million years!" The heckler responded; "So? What the _first_ thing to go then?" And the magician quietly responded; "Your manners!"

[quote]On 2003-03-02 23:33, sdgiu wrote:
Quote:
On 2003-02-06 22:06, Zorak wrote:
These lines are not original with me, don't remember where I stole... er... um... got it from.

Have we ever met before?
(reply) No.
Than how do you know it's me.

Have you ever seen me in the movies?
That's funny, I go there all the time.

This trick was taught to me by a magician with one arm named Harry.
(pause) I don't know the name of his other arm.


Zorak
The first one is from Groucho Smile Marx, and I believe the second is also, but I'm not sure. The third I have heard, but cannot place.


Actually, I read somewhere that the "how do you know it's me" line can be traced back to an ancient 17th or 18th century book of humor.

I used to do the Ropes Through A Person (Grandmother's Necklace principle) with a volunteer. After having him properly trussed up, I would say;

"Now don't worry, I'm a professional, I've done this trick _dozens_ of times... (quietly) it's actually worked twice!"
"There's no time to lose," I heard her say.
"Catch your dreams before they slip away."
"Dying all the time, lose your dreams and you could lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?"
weepinwil
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Quote:
On 2003-01-08 11:04, kasper777 wrote:
Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.


I like to encourage the spectator to ask how I did a trick by assuring them that a magician never reveals his secret but because I am a Christian magician I will have to tell the truth if I am asked. Then when they ask me point blank, "How did you do that trick?" I reply, "Very well, don't you think?"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2004-08-05 16:07, weepinwil wrote:
Quote:
On 2003-01-08 11:04, kasper777 wrote:
Here is a new one I heard last night. When asked how did you do it, you respond "A magician, like a prositute, never reveals their tricks" I don't know about you, but I started laughing.


I like to encourage the spectator to ask how I did a trick by assuring them that a magician never reveals his secret but because I am a Christian magician I will have to tell the truth if I am asked. Then when they ask me point blank, "How did you do that trick?" I reply, "Very well, don't you think?"


I actually hate that line. I prefer "With great dilligence and practice over many months of time... or magical pixies, I can never remember which!"
"There's no time to lose," I heard her say.
"Catch your dreams before they slip away."
"Dying all the time, lose your dreams and you could lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?"
trombley
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If I am doing a cut and restored rope or something like that I always get a spectator to come and examine it. I usually tell them that they are the eyes for the rest of the audience and to look for any trap doors, mirrors etc. Also if I get someone to shuffle or cut I usually say. " now do it just like we practised." when the helper doesn't know what you are talking about. you can then say to the audience. "well if this trick doesn't work its (helpers) fault.
el toro
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When bringing on the ropes for a rope routine:

"And now some rope magic. Actually last time I brought forward the ropes one guy yelled at me: CALM DOWN, YOU WEREN'T THAT BAD."
AlmostAmazingJames
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What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?" I pretend it is funny every time I hear it.
Danny Archer
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Quote:
On 2004-08-15 13:39, AlmostAmazingJames wrote:
What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?"



I say, "Buddy I'm from Philadelphia .. for the right price anybody can disappear" ...
harris
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Harris Deutsch
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Re: Stock Lines.

At a meeting a few months ago, a visiting comic asked me questions that many comics have asked me.

Why do many magicians use the same stock lines.
Why do they think it is okay to borrow/steal others lines, and think they are as funny as the originator.

Yes I do use some stock lines.

When I started in magic I was also a Comedy - Club - Want- to Be. I was taught, (not so politely) about using my material versus other peoples.

I love bringing my other interest into my magic.

That is where my Laughology Program began to develop.
An upcoming venue is a conference called:

Transforming Lives through Spirituality, Faith and Addiction Recovery...

A few lines I will use...

I was raised Jewish. In college I studied Buddhism.
Guess I was a He-Bu

Now my wife and I go to a Catholic Church.

Guess we are Cash-ews. (Cath-Jews).

Funny but true department.

Spirituality is in the eye of the beholder....

Lawrence Welk once played Brewer and Shipley's

One Toke over the Line, on one of the Sunday Night Programs.

Guess he thought it was a Gospel Tune.

Cue the music....

One toke over the line sweet jesus....


Which leads to one of my newest parody songs.

I play the first few bars of Dixie on my harmonica...

Nigel (pictured in the avatar to the left....)

Oh he smoked Marijuana and his tongue was like cotton..
went to 7-11 with the munchies very often...
toke away...
toke away...
he toked his life all away!
(above parody song given as an example without permission to use or republish)

Harris Deutsch
Laughologist and Parody Song Writer
http://www.nearlynormalmagic.com
Harris Deutsch aka dr laugh
drlaugh4u@gmail.com
music, magic and marvelous toys
http://magician.org/member/drlaugh4u
amadrigal
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Quote:
On 2004-08-15 13:39, AlmostAmazingJames wrote:
What do you say to people who after performances ask you, "Can you make my wife dissapear?" or "Can you make my brother dissapear?" I pretend it is funny every time I hear it.



I always say "Yeah but it involves a lot of federal agents and a lot of time in the BIG HOUSE!"
It works for me all the time
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972)
Conlaw
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Here is a line that works for me - not to shut up hecklers but to get a little giggle from the audience.

I will ask for a volunteer and I will always pick the best looking woman I can find. Then I ask her, "Do you know why I need you as an assistant?". They always say "No". And I reply, "Well, this is will be the first time I have ever tried effect in front of a crowd. In fact, there is a strong chance that things will go wrong. I need you up here so that even if everything does go wrong the rest of the audience will still have seen something amazing!"

I then proceed with the effect and afterwards I get the audience to give my amazing assitant a huge round of applause.

Conlaw
flobiwan
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I heard a great one at the MAES convention over the weekend. Danny Allen used it as a closing line. Not sure if it's original with him, though. (Actually, it may have been Duane Laflin. not sure). Good line if you're performing at a hotel.

"I'd like to leave you with a bit of advice. When you're checking out of your hotel room and they ask you if everything was alright, say 'everything was wonderful! Your towels were so big and fluffy I could hardly get my suitcase closed!'"
music
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When I borrow a finger ring from a lady I look like I'm reading an inscription and say "Is your name China?"
Tate
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As far as I know this line is original with me, it came to me in the middle of a show recently. It was during the handshaking gags at a birthday party. I mentioned that grownups try to be funny by asking grownup questions like, "Well, Mary, did you bring your husband with you today?" I used to say, "Of course, Mary isn't married." But at this party there were a lot of Moms and Dads sitting around watching, so I said, "Of course Mary's husband isn't here. On a pretty Saturday like this, he's out on the golf course." I looked up at the Moms and they were all laughing and the Dads were looking guilty.
Zach Allen
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Quote:
On 2004-08-05 09:05, mandrake01 wrote:
Quote:
On 2002-10-13 01:25, Samuel Catoe wrote:
When an adult asks why you perform such childish things as magic, you could simply respond with one that I did actually use. I told the lady that I did it because I had the heart of a young boy, I keep it in a jar on my bookshelf. Ha ha ha ha!!! Smile

Samuel


I think that was Boris Karloff.



Steven King, actually.

Zach
Check out all 6 of my e-books!
The Magic of Zach Allen

Also, here is a free PDF of ideas:
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Mike Brezler
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I always say as I start the show... "Please notice at no time do my hands ever leave my arms." It gets a chuckle from the adults in the room.

When I have an adult that I don't know come up to help with a trick I say...
"Don't I know you? I think we went to different schools together."
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