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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Looking out for our own » » Never happy with anything (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

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Someone on the ellusionist boards posted this, as I'm an elite member of the community. I know some people here don't think too highly of ellusionist, maybe that's why sometimes I (secretly, afraid to tell anyone, because afraid of rejection) always think people on ellusionist who say I'm good at something I never take seriously. I never take it from anyone seriously. I'm just frusterated. Someone on the ellusionist boards posted this comment, that I'm "amazing" at coin magic. What a joke. No one else I think would agree with that.

I replied to it as such, and I wouldn've thought to post it here, but because it hit me so hard, I was actually in tears, and it hit home on so many bases, that andI wanted to reach out to someone, another magician, particular here:

You're awesome man and you coin magic is freaking amazing... But you have to take care of yourself first before you can help others (as a mentor):

You're right. But I don't think I'm amazing at coin magic. I think some people just say that to be nice. (sepecially here, I think people here say it most often to be nice, but I can never believe it). Ponta, Lawrens Godon,David Roth, Michael Rubinstein, Eric Jones and David Stone are amazing at coin magic. I'm nothing.

As long as I fail to get to that level, I am in constant distress and angst over my abilities. I feel sometimes, 'what's the point to practice, I'll never be as good as them." And it hurts me every day.

I can't seem to find my own style, knowing this is important, and failing to achieve it brnigs me more stress. Failing to be able to create my own tricks also distresses me - I feel I'll never be anything in magic.

I just practice other peoples tricks. And I'm like a robot, being everyone but myself. Copying everyone but myself.

This last new year's I went to a party. I'm within the autism spectrum (barely),
and I tell you, going to parties and relatnig to people makes my autism 100% worse.

Everyone tells me they feel the same way, when you go to a party alone, they feel that way. No, it was different for me. I had extreme distress just interacting with anyone. When I tried to show someone a trick, they looked at me like I was crazy and said "No.". One guy even went to mutter as I was walking away "He asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. What the heck. That's so f'ing stupid."

One women tried to dance with me. I couldn't take it. I just backed away. She went to some other guy. I couldn't even dance with myself. I hate parties. I just wanted to be alone, or hide in a hole. In fact, I just took out my coins and practiced that day the remainder of the day, about 5 hours. I'd sit on the bench and practice my coins. I'd throw my coat down as mat and practice on the flower pots. I didn't know how to interact with anyone. It was a night mare. A few people say me practicing and said I was "good", or "very good", but I didn't take notice. I just was in my own world.


Sorry guys, I had to say something , it is really bothering me lately, and has been. That's why I would (and still try to ) pratice 3 hours a day , often 6 hours.
Jonathan Townsend
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Eternal Order
Ossining, NY
27088 Posts

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How would you like to tell people what you find interesting about magic? What can you share of it?
...to all the coins I've dropped here
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

Profile of Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
I was offering to help people, other magicians, with their coin magic. Not revealing things, but giving support and advice. No kidding, I doubt I can even do this.I really feel like a failure.
Mary Mowder
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Inner circle
Sacramento / Elk Grove, CA
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Being different is not a crime. Reading your posts over time has clearly shown that you are different and that you have some challenges. Try to be more accepting of those differences.

The Buck bros. did not start out as the most outgoing guys (about anything but Magic) but they brought a new dimension (or enhanced an existing one) to Magic.

Amazing things can come from thinking differently, especially when you realize that you can be walking on untrodden ground.

Consider that you are in the gathering stage of your research. You are copying for now to learn from the Masters. There is nothing wrong with that and many never go any further than that and are known as good and entertaining performers. It is clear that you hope for more but you are very young to think you will never go any further (or to think yourself a failure).

It sounds like there are people you meet who are afraid, intolerant or irritated by your differences from the norm. These same people may be intolerant of other people like yourself. Would you join them in making unkind remarks about someone else like yourself? If not why do you join them in making yourself feel bad about yourself.

If anyone should be on your side it is you. Act from a position of kindness toward others and yourself.

Humanity (in fact all life) is a grand experiment in survival. The seeds for our survival lie in our differences. If we are were all the same we could be wiped out by one flu epidemic. We are all a part of this process and we all have a part to play. Don't hate yourself for being a part of humanitie's continuing experiment in survival.

I'm glad Ray Charles did not focus on hating himself because he was blind. I had a Gay Brother and I'm glad he did not waste his all to short life in self loathing. Embrace your differentness. You are alive in interesting times. You are already a winner (and a very fine Coin Worker).

Thanks for checking in Fish. I wish your practice ethic would catch on a bit among some of my Magician friends. I wish their ability to let themselves of the hook would catch on with you a bit.

-Mary
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

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I recently got a pm from a member here, he asked me, is it true youre a failure? Well id like to say this.if I wouldn't have failed over and over and over, I would not be the person I'm today.failure had helped me.I've recently got tired of how horrible I treat myself.I've decided to do confining about ite by working on myself first.when ponta tells me I do part of a routine better than him, and I know hes always encourged to be the best I can be, always honest I've worked very very hard at my magic.now I need to focus on myself.I can't expect to please everyone.im unique, I'm me. I'll remember the good times in my life.I'll remember handing out with eric jones at imx, performing magic and loving life and myself.il l remember I'm not alone.I'll remember peoples advice and graciously take it.I'll remember all the people here that care about me, then I realize Ive already succeeded in life.I have friends.I'm a winner, not a loser.thank you all
landmark
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Inner circle
within a triangle
4900 Posts

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Quote:
On 2012-01-04 03:12, Mary Mowder wrote:
Being different is not a crime. Reading your posts over time has clearly shown that you are different and that you have some challenges. Try to be more accepting of those differences.

The Buck bros. did not start out as the most outgoing guys (about anything but Magic) but they brought a new dimension (or enhanced an existing one) to Magic.

Amazing things can come from thinking differently, especially when you realize that you can be walking on untrodden ground.

Consider that you are in the gathering stage of your research. You are copying for now to learn from the Masters. There is nothing wrong with that and many never go any further than that and are known as good and entertaining performers. It is clear that you hope for more but you are very young to think you will never go any further (or to think yourself a failure).

It sounds like there are people you meet who are afraid, intolerant or irritated by your differences from the norm. These same people may be intolerant of other people like yourself. Would you join them in making unkind remarks about someone else like yourself? If not why do you join them in making yourself feel bad about yourself.

If anyone should be on your side it is you. Act from a position of kindness toward others and yourself.

Humanity (in fact all life) is a grand experiment in survival. The seeds for our survival lie in our differences. If we are were all the same we could be wiped out by one flu epidemic. We are all a part of this process and we all have a part to play. Don't hate yourself for being a part of humanitie's continuing experiment in survival.

I'm glad Ray Charles did not focus on hating himself because he was blind. I had a Gay Brother and I'm glad he did not waste his all to short life in self loathing. Embrace your differentness. You are alive in interesting times. You are already a winner (and a very fine Coin Worker).

Thanks for checking in Fish. I wish your practice ethic would catch on a bit among some of my Magician friends. I wish their ability to let themselves of the hook would catch on with you a bit.

-Mary

Wow.
File that under Magicians helping Magicians.
Thanks for that Mary.
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

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Today and everyday I remind myself happy it makes me to have so many wonderful people as friends and everyone here as a friend.tired of being miserable.today I'm showing apprection for myself and others.today I'm grateful.today the happiness is going to last.thank you all for caring so much about me
Mary Mowder
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Inner circle
Sacramento / Elk Grove, CA
3649 Posts

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Yea Fish!
Devious
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"Gadol Elohai!"
L'Chaim!
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

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*** it. I can't feel happiness from anything. I feel like a failure constantly. It's never good enough for me. Got a job I wanted for years...a job I could only dream of. Im' happy to work, Im' happy to do a good job. I'm grateful. But I'm horribly empty, and it's been this way for years. Now I feel especially unworthy. The question I ask myself all the time: "Why me?" I certainly don't' feel worthy of helping out.I just don't understand. Why do I deserve what I've "achieved?" . Because I've achieved nothing. Nothing! I just feel so unworthy. Extremely grateful and happy I am at times, yet extremely sad and depressed at the same time. It's hard to explain. I got to the United States Ultimate Typing Championship semi finals, in 6th place at a typing speed of 168 WPM. I didn't answer my email, so I was disqualified. It was from 12 years from a severe gaming addiction, where all I did was type...everyday...for 12 years...I don't want to do typing. I want to do magic. Why can't do I what feels right to me? My parents always tell me I should do one thing, a stenographer or work at safeway or something. My dad says he thinks he thinks magic is stupid and I should get a real job. I feel differently. I lost 101 lbs, but I'm worse off than before and have body dysmorphic disorder now, was recently diagnosed with Fibromalygia , and am on 6 different meds. I felt better fatter. I have no energy, am on high blood pressure meds, which has no reason why. Everything was tested. I drink 4 energy drinks a day just to stay up, get through the day and get through certain projects. I just feel weak for complaining, I know people have it worse than me. but I can't help but feel really numb and hopeless sometimes. *** it, body fat of 30% to 11%, why can't I feel happy about this? I lost 16 inches of my waist...but there's always people better than me. It's never enough. The loose skin just makes it worse. Maybe it's because a lot of people bullied me and doubted me all my life. Maybe I shouldn't use that as some type of excuse. I can do better than that.


Can't feel pleasure from anything. I realize these are all black and white statements, splitting as they call it in psychology, I realize I'm minmizing things, but I still feel a horrible sense of emptiness. I thought setting goals and achieving them would make me happy. Nothing does, though. Except maybe practicing magic and performing it for people...that helps...for a little bit.

No matter how hard I work - it's never good enough. As Lupe Fiasco says in one of his songs:
Sometimes livin' in a world like this,
It's pretty hard not to go insane,
Not pretty if you don’t comply,
Pretty easy if you don’t complain,
Stand there like you don’t feel pain,
No tears in the face of defeat,
Pretend to the end that you don’t feel change,
Don’t admit it that your faith is weak,

I’m on the dark side,
And you can't come find me,
How? when its light all around you,
Yeah but it's dark on the inside,
No win when it's me against me,
One of us ain't gonna survive,
My heart been broke for a while,

Yours (You guys) has/(have) been the one keeping me alive

I just wanna cut to the chase,
I wanna stop these nightmares,
I just wanna touch your face,
All you see is all my feats,
All I see is all my flaws,
All I can hear is all my demons,
Even through your applause,
All you see is all my flights,
All I see is all my falls,
All you see is all my rights,
All I see is all my wrongs.

Door keep telling me to fight
Door keep telling me to find a reason
Anything to keep me from squeezing
Simplest things yeah you really like summer
You really like music, you really like reading..

This too shall pass Kevin, this too shall pass...hang in there....
Jim Sparx
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Inner circle
Far Out, Texas
1144 Posts

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If your drinking four energy drinks a day and taking 6 med, no wonder your depressed. The stuff in energy drinks can kill you and mixed with whatever your taking for meds is worse. Does your doctor know you are on energy drinks? Guarana, ginseng, ginkgo biloba, yerba mate are poision with constant use and are contraindicated with a lot of drugs. Get a PDR and look up the meds you are taking and what it says about mixing with the above.
Piers
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A Limited Edition of
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What does your GP say?
Counselling?
How can we help?
Piers.
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Author of Salem's Cornucopia - SUC Book
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
View Profile
1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
1095 Posts

Profile of Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
I guess I need a reality check. Validation from others help, but I'm not validating myself enough. This "pat on the back" is hard for me. I don't deserve it often.
Jim Sparx
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Inner circle
Far Out, Texas
1144 Posts

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Here is your reality check, read again what I wrote above...

"If your drinking four energy drinks a day and taking 6 med, no wonder your depressed. The stuff in energy drinks can kill you and mixed with whatever your taking for meds is worse. Does your doctor know you are on energy drinks? Guarana, ginseng, ginkgo biloba, yerba mate are poision with constant use and are contraindicated with a lot of drugs. Get a PDR and look up the meds you are taking and what it says about mixing with the above."

I don't know what 6 meds you are taking or what the ingredients of the energy drinks you consume. You will have to look that stuff up yourself.
I do know this, the medicines I take for blood pressure, heart, diabetes and cholesterol have warning labels and contraindications for the above listed ingredients in energy drinks (I forgot to include caffeine).
Piers
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Quote:
On 2012-04-18 10:20, Strange Tasting Fish Sticks wrote:
I guess I need a reality check. Validation from others help, but I'm not validating myself enough. This "pat on the back" is hard for me. I don't deserve it often.


And here.
Get an appointment. Make it TODAY.
Please.
Piers.
Smile



www.justgiving.com/piers-cancer-fund

www.justgiving.com/Piers-Cancer-Fund-2

www.justgiving.com/Piers-Cancer-Fund-3



Finished my 4 months of Chemotherapy in 2009. 3 monthly checks since... and into 2016!



As seen on the QE2 and QM2.

Author of Salem's Cornucopia - SUC Book
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