Grabbed your attention, didn't I? Good, now read a story that I wrote and posted on Booksie. Tell me what you think.

http://www.booksie.com/science_fiction/s......terflies

This was originally supposed to be called 'Trapped' but the name was already taken for a short story on Booksie. Enjoy!

I think that I am going to have a nightmare tonight.


I enjoyed it though thanks.

Lol thanks Tommy,

A nightmare, eh? That wasn't what I exactly intended but.......it'll do

How pleasantly trite.

So, constructive criticism time. Full disclosure, I'm a patent lawyer. I spend at least 30% of my professional time reviewing and marking up others' writing, and another 40% of my time writing myself. The stuff I write is intended to be persuasive, and is often technical (in the technological sense, involving technical points of law, or both). Also, patent fights often boil down to very fine differences in the meanings of words, which makes me hyper-sensitive to word choice. So, the two main characteristics I associate with good writing are accuracy and simplicity. If the reader has to read something twice, or if the reader pauses because some mental gears are grinding, I consider it bad writing. And in fairness to you, that isn't necessarily true about science fiction writing.

All that said, I couldn't get past the third paragraph. Because of stuff like this:

1. "Devon ... peered through the thick fiberglass that secluded his body."

Fiberglass isn't transparent, so I wasn't sure what mental image you were trying to create. Is he in a fiberglass sarcophagus thingy with a little window that he can peer through? Is he in a room with fiberglass walls and a window that he can peer out of? Mental gears grinding...

2. "Intermediate darkness pervaded the science lab...."

"Intermediate" seems like a poor word choice, and again I can't figure out what kind of mental image you're trying to conjure up. I wondered whether you meant "intermittent darkness" -- like, a lamp here and there, but impenetrably dark voids in between? Or maybe you really meant "intermediate" -- like a moderate level of darkness? But if that's what you meant, then "pervading" seems like the wrong word choice, because you're saying something like, "there was only a little bit of light in the room, but man... it was EVERYWHERE!" More gears grinding...

Also, "science lab" doesn't seem like a great word choice. Although I was a physics/math major in college, I never heard of a science lab. I've heard of a physics lab or a chemistry lab, or a laser lab, or a computer lab. Or even "the lab." But never a science lab.

3. "... a breath cloud was famed upon the glass..."

Okay, he peers through fiberglass, but now there's just a normal glass window? As the reader, I ask myself, "did I miss something?" Gears grinding...

4. "A soft whimper resounded throughout the room."

If it's soft, it doesn't resound. Grind grind grind...

5. "He noticed a petite girl ... unconsciously mocking Devon's situation."

Two problems: First, it's not clear to me what "unconsciously mocking" means. Second, you're inconsistent in the use of pronouns. "HE noticed a girl mocking HIS situation" is clear. Or even "DEVON noticed a girl mocking HIS situation" is clear. But "HE noticed a girl mocking DEVON'S situation" suggests that Devon isn't the person doing the noticing. Is that what you meant? Is that a way of introducing a third character besides Devon and the girl? Grind...

At this point, I lost interest. I started skimming. And I noticed...

6. "He looked down to inspect his hand with bored interest."

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, it appears you've intentionally chosen to use the oxymoron "bored interest." Oxymorons are sometimes used effectively for humor or to make a subtle point. Maybe I missed it here.

7. "... his hand was obviously a different being, something he did not immediately recognize."

On a first read, it seemed contradictory... if his hand was OBVIOUSLY a different being, then he would immediately recognize that fact. That's the definition of obvious. On a second or third read, I realized that you probably meant to say something like he didn't immediately recognize his hand as his own hand. But if the reader has to re-read to get the meaning, then the writing could be better.

So, there you go. Hopefully you'll take this criticism in the spirit in which it was given: from a guy just trying to be helpful.

And, by way of encouragement, writing well is HARD. But with practice you'll either get good at it, or develop a thick enough skin not to care.

Hahahahahahaha MobiltityBundle, now my mental gears are grinding. Wow--nobody else who has read it so far has interpreted everything the way you did! That was quite a post!

Now, I at least understand where you are coming from. However, like you basically said, writing fiction is not the same as writing technical papers; that is why I SUCK at informative/instructional writing. On the contrary, I have always done quite well in school, competitions, internet, etc with fictional writing and opinion pieces. That is my cup of coffee.

Still, I loved your post and it'll probably come is use as I write more later.

PS This piece is supposed to be for my Effective Writing class. My teacher has absolutely LOVED anything that has come out of my pen, this included. I guess in a way that's kind of bad, but hey--it makes me look like Hemingway

I have to agree slightly with mobilitybundle. When you are writing short fiction every word as to be the absolute best word available, with no ambiguity. I would recommend going back and doing a tighter edit on it. That said, it is atmospheric and vivid.

Okay, thanks for reading, guys! I fixed up some of the things that Mobility pointed out. I really enjoyed his criticism; it was much needed. Anything else you guys want me to fix--just point it out!