An Italian and a Greek are having a conversation about who's more superior the Greek says "We made the amphitheater " the Italian says " we made the colosseum" then the Greek says " we made astronomy" then the Italian says "we made the Roman Empire" then the Greek says "we created sex" then the Italian says"true but we introduced it to women",

Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries.

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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in strawberry patches

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Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Works pretty well, doesn't it?

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What do you say to an alien with two heads?
Hello. Hello.

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What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
A Dairy Heir.

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What did the alien say to the gardener?
Take me to your weeder.

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and finally.....

Henry Lang grew up in Kansas, part of the most wealthy and influential family in the area. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually, in gratitude for all that the family had done for the area, the townsfolk erected a huge sign in front of the train station, saying, "Welcome on behalf of the Langs." One day, Henry, now in his forties, returned to the area, and he was shocked to see that the townsfolk had taken down the old Lang sign.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.


A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.


Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Same girl in China?

Irene.

Okay, a bad one: A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The man is completely naked and wrapped in clear plastic... from head to toe. He says to the doctor, "What's wrong with me?" The doc says, "Well, I clearly see your (you're) nuts."

Greg

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your front porch?
Mat.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the lake?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the jacuzzi?
Stu.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs going over a fence?
Homer.

What do you call a man pretending to have no arms and no legs?
Josh.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?
Jack.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that smells really bad?
John.

What do you call the same guy in England?
Lou.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that breaks into houses?
Jimmy.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a diamond?
Third base.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With Little Seezers.

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.

A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."

"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."

"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."

"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"

The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.

"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"

Ouch, Bob, I think you win with that one.

Bazina!

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Did you hear about the fly who flew through a screen door at full speed?
Strained himself.
It was another fine mesh he got himself into.

The Washington Redskins have voted to change their name. They plan to drop "Washington" because it's too embarrassing.

You should copywright that line Michael!

Funny, but borrowed... much like most of the jokes here. It's just one of the more topical ones I've heard lately. Next year it won't be as funny (hopefully).

I'll admit, all mine are borrowed; I have this wonderful source for bad jokes.

Keith Richards dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets there, he's delighted to see the guitarist Jimi Hendrix, drummer Jon Bonham (Led Zeppelin) and bass player John Entwistle (The Who) up there waiting for him. They've all got their musical instruments, but for some reason, they're all moping around looking depressed.

"Hey guys, cheer up!" says Keith. "We've got a great band here! Let's jam!"

"Nah, that's OK. We don't wanna play," says Jimi.

"But why not? asks Keith. "Why don't you feel like playing?"

To which Jimi responds, "Because Karen Carpenter is the singer."

Good one Arthur!