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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
I finally had to cut ties to a close former friend. My friend had a whopper of a midlife crises, except he didn't have it when he was midlife, more like late 50's. I've watched my friend make one bone head decision about his life after another and now being involved in the daily drama of the consequences of those decisions. Finally about a week ago, I saw the latest Facebook update outlining yet another drama and I just decided, right then, to defriend him and his wife.
It was a difficult decision and one that came with no small amount of emotional pain: after all, he was a very close friend. But his life had so much self induced trama, all stemming from mistakes in his life that I advised him against. I sort of joke that his life is a lot like breaking bad: you don't know how it is going to end, but you know it is going to end badly. I decided not to be there when he hit rock bottom. I'm still mourning the loss. Has anyone had to deal with something similar: a close friend, who you loved, but you just had to walk away from. |
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S2000magician Inner circle Yorba Linda, CA 3465 Posts |
Do family members count?
If so, then yes. Some people you cannot rescue; the best you can do is to avoid drowning with them. |
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
My friend doesn't understand why I don't want to be his friend anymore. From his perspective, it came out of the blue. From mine, it has been building for the last 5 years. I told him he can call me if he likes, but he refused, not wanting to hear what I have to say. He asked me to put a "list of greviences" together for him to respond to, which I refused to do, as if a simple list of my greviences that he can try and justify in his mind would change anything. Sad. I'm particularly ****ed because in a way I feel he denied me the enjoyment of his company as we got older together.
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gdw Inner circle 4884 Posts |
Wow, he actually tried to put the effort on to you? "I'm not going to put in the effort to call you to save a friendship, you make a list up for me."
I'm sorry about the change. People can't really be helped until they want to be helped.
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
I won't forget you Robert. |
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Tom Jorgenson Inner circle LOOSE ANGLES, CALIFORNIA 4451 Posts |
Just grieve and get on with it. It's worse than a death when you are forced to watch the disintegration piece by piece and event by event. Defriending is a form of self protection, no blame there. If you owe your friend an explanation, make it basic and brief and a monologue, not a dialogue.
He is also losing you. Let him grieve too. "Some people you cannot rescue; the best you can do is to avoid drowning with them." is very astute.
We dance an invisible dance to music they cannot hear.
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
Good advice Tom.
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Bob1Dog Inner circle Wife: It's me or this houseful of 1159 Posts |
I've cut ties with a friend I grew up with, a neighbor, a best buddy till we were nineteen. It's a long story and I won't go into it. I still have fond memories of our youth, but we haven't spoken now for about twenty years. I mourn that we couldn't have grown old together.
Move on.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums. |
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stoneunhinged Inner circle 3067 Posts |
No.
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MobilityBundle Regular user Las Vegas/Boston 120 Posts |
Yeah, my sister.
We were inseparable growing up. My parents divorced when I was in third grade, and my sister (3 years older) practically raised me. When I dropped out of high school, she figured out how I could get into college at UNLV. When I was unhappy UNLV, she helped me transfer to her school, UC Santa Barbara. When I was in grad school and coming to the terrifying realization that I didn't really want to be a mathematician, she suggested law school (she was just graduating law school herself) and helped me with the application materials. She let me crash on her floor, she found me apartments, etc. When I moved to Boston to start law school, we were roommates. She found the apartment, naturally. But eventually, I got married. Very long story short, it was impossible for the three of us to mutually get along. My wife didn't hate my sister, and it's not even necessarily true that my sister hates my wife. If you ask my sister, her complaint is that I would go out of my way -- to an obnoxious or insufferable degree -- to "manage" people for my wife's sake. And, to be sure, there was a degree of truth in that, but not to the degree my sister suggested. If you ask me, I'd say my sister maybe (a) felt a little abandoned or lonely after I got married, and (b) has some kind of bipolar issue. Anyways, the whole thing blew up in 2006 and we stopped talking to each other since then. In 2011, my dad died. Although there was no love lost (we hadn't really seen him since the divorce), that got us talking a little bit. Just my sister and I -- my wife kept her distance. We would occasionally call or email, and even less occasionally have lunch or dinner. Things seemed to be going well for about a year, but perhaps I misread the situation: at that point, I suggested (as gently as I could) that perhaps the three of us should have dinner. That rapidly backfired on me, and within a couple days we were back to our no-communication policy. It makes me sad, but it is what it is. Slide, I feel your pain, but I think you're generally doing the right thing. You can be a friend to someone and offer whatever advice or help you can if asked. If your advice or help is not asked for, ignored, or unwelcome, then you slowly move from a friend to a spectator in his life. If you're not a WILLING spectator... then that's that. |
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
"If your advice or help is not asked for, ignored, or unwelcome, then you slowly move from a friend to a spectator in his life. If you're not a WILLING spectator... then that's that. "
Wow, that hits it right on the head, doesn't it. Thanks for sharing that story Mobility. I know from experience the pain of sibling estrangement. |
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Devious Inner circle 2120 Posts |
Here is what I did, I defriended everyone by deleting my
Facebook account. No muss no fuss! |
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
Did anyone notice?
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
Mobility,
Your summation about being a spectator in his life is so right on the mark. On our last conversation, when I was again listening to some crazy thing he had done, I started to try and talk to him, but he stopped me and told me he just needed me to be "an ear". And I wasn't to tell him what he should be doing. It was then, as I mumbled uh huh, uh huh, since I'd been banned from speaking my mind that I began to think....what the heck. Why am I friends with this guy. |
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stoneunhinged Inner circle 3067 Posts |
I have two older sisters.
Both have cancer. For me, that changes my perspective. I just had a fight with one of my friends a few hours ago. He's an idiot. But he, too, has cancer. That changes my perspective. I love them, and they won't be on this earth much longer, and I don't believe in the afterlife. All that is left is to love them unconditionally. And then they are gone. |
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
Sorry to hear about your sisters and friend. My girlfiend finished her 4 week course of daily radiation today and we are hopeful.
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NYCTwister Loyal user 267 Posts |
Not trying to be mean but it sounds like you stuck around longer than you should have. By being there time after time it's almost like you sanctioned his behavior. Now suddenly disconnecting may feel like a betrayal.
People who have all these self-induced dramas are toxic to be around. In a crazy way they need the attention even though what they get it for is bad for them. After a while it becomes all that they are. His asking for a list is just a different type of drama. I have cousin who, due to abuse as a child, has psychological problems. She's fifty now and still lives with her controlling mother. Countless people, myself included, have given her good advice as well as moral support, all to no avail. She's now at the point where all she has is her victim persona. Her life is an endless cycle of "I know I need to face this but I can't. What do you think I should do?" The abuser is long dead but he still rules her life. I'm not saying that it's easy to overcome what she went through but the responsibility for her happiness is hers. Some people are just not willing to face themselves and the things they do. It got to the point where I had to disconnect myself from the situation. I would become anxious and feel helpless because I love her. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to take action I realized that I was hurting for something that wasn't my fault and I had to distance myself. I keep conversations brief and avoid social events when she will be there. It wasn't easy. I still love her. I just love myself more.
If you need fear to enforce your beliefs, then your beliefs are worthless.
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ClintonMagus Inner circle Southwestern Southeast 3997 Posts |
There's something called "tough love", and that has to apply here. He should be old enough to know better, but he still seems to have the mentality of a seventh-grader.
That being said, think how you would feel if he were to die tomorrow. If he has really been a close friend through the years, you would probably feel some sort of remorse if you left your relationship under bad circumstances. I suggest you send him a card, expressing your "sympathy" for his situation and, while not agreeing with his choices, tell him that if he ever decides to get his life back together, you will be there for him (if this is how you feel). Send him a birthday card or a Christmas card (if you are inclined to do so). Under no circumstances, however, should you get yourself drawn into this quagmire.
Things are more like they are today than they've ever been before...
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satellite23 Elite user 424 Posts |
I think it's quite funny to say that "cutting ties" means defriending somebody on Facebook...
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Slide Special user 533 Posts |
"I think it's quite funny to say that "cutting ties" means defriending somebody on Facebook... "
I know funny. But, of course, the defriending thing is just a symbol, isn't it. The real relationship was the totality of our communication, talking on the phone, having lunch, going out for dinner. He didn't even notice I had defriended him until a week later when I turned down his invitation to lunch. |
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RobertSmith Veteran user 330 Posts |
Yes. When I decided I couldn't be friends with a Café member anymore it hurt me.
Well, not really considering I was never friends with him. But to answer the original question, yes. |
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