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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Looking out for our own » » Depression: I'm in a bad place (44 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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critter
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Spokane, WA
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I feel like so much dead weight. I have long been afflicted with OCD, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, migraines, and asthma. These things all make me burdensome. I am finally finishing school and have a substantial amount of loan debt but no real job prospects. I feel like an idiot for falling for the hype that my college Dean fed me when he talked me into going into this program. He said that it would be easy to get a $70k + job out there with this degree. There aren't any. I should have looked harder. I'll be lucky if I make enough to even cover my loan payments, let alone support my family. My age doesn't help. I feel like I am failing as a man by not being able to "bring home the bacon." I can't get self-destructive thoughts out of my mind. I just can't figure out how to turn this off. Therapy never helped. Medication never helped. I'm just fundamentally broken and I can't see any way out of it.
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
freefallillusion1
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Elite user
Cincinnati, OH
447 Posts

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You're not broken- you're a child of God and as such you're an awesome creation. Praying for you! Hang in there!
Michael Baker
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Eternal Order
Near a river in the Midwest
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I would risk a guess and say you are not burdensome to those who love you, even if your perception is different.

Regarding your medical issues: Consider changing doctors. Whatever medications you were on, apparently were not working. Fresh eyes may be what it will take.

Regarding your job situation: Take inventory outside of your degree(s). Be imaginative and think about what you are qualified to do. Think about what you might enjoy doing. Accepting less money than you might hope for is better than no money at all. It doesn't mean you have to stay in that position forever. If you are fishing in dead water, you won't catch anything... and you don't continue doing so unless things change. You can always come back to it.

Student loan debt is quickly becoming headline news. Maybe something will result from that which will help you manage it.

Personally, I think bringing home the bacon is a relative term. I readjust and reinvent as often as I have to.

I hope you find your solutions. Smile
~michael baker
The Magic Company
RicHeka
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Excellent post Michael.

Critter....I have enjoyed reading your contributions here at the Café over the years.

Most human beings go through challenging times at some time or another [I know I have]. We are fortunate to exist during an technological era when some profound inspiration is only a click or two away.

I am not saying that the following link will be the 'end all' of your concerns...but I have personally found this site helpful at various times: http://greatday.com/

There is a daily inspirational message, and a great search feature for specific concerns.

Please check it out. I personally start every day there, and have recommended it to family and friends....who are all also positive about it.

Also, I find the 'wisdom' of ancient philosopher's such as the GREAT Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius quite helpful [putting things in perspective].....as well as interesting. For example:

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

and...

“Do not indulge in dreams of having what you have not, but reckon up the chief of the blessings you do possess, and then thankfully remember how you would crave for them if they were not yours.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

and...

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There is much more 'inspiration' just a sincere search away.

Try to stay strong.

Rich
Mark Boody Illusionist
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Critter

I have been where you are at. Please seek professional help. It took me a while to find the right combination, but it is out there. I will be praying for you.

Don't give up.

Mark
critter
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Spokane, WA
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Thanks. It's been coming in waves. I've had some good counsel from friends and a former Dean. Just gotta' keep pushing forward right now and hope things work out...
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
critter
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Spokane, WA
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Apparently, I misunderstood something about the income based loan repayment program. I thought that they took into account the amount of your loan and then assigned a time period based on that. Apparently the 25 year program is based only on 15% of income above the federal poverty line. Most of the horror stories seem to be from the private loans, and I only have one of those for $6k. I feel much less hopeless now.
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
critter
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Spokane, WA
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And even better news, the PLUS loan IS eligible when it's for grad school, so they'd all be covered if I got a low paying job.
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
Julie
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A bunch of prayers for you have been answered...

I am so happy for you! (Now YOU are in charge.)

Sincerely,

Julie
Michael Baker
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Eternal Order
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Quote:
On May 14, 2014, critter wrote:
Just gotta' keep pushing forward right now and hope things work out...


Be open to this so you'll recognize it when it happens. It could come in a form you don't expect.
~michael baker
The Magic Company
magicalaurie
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Ontario, Canada
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Courageous post, critter. You have much support here, and you're more than capable- allow, its yours. Trust your wise mind. We love you. Take care.
Mary Mowder
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Critter,

I enjoy your posts as well.

Try and remember how bad it seemed before... but it wasn't.

Things are often better than they seem if you just hold on.

Best wishes through hard times.

-Mary Mowder
Devious
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Boy, it sure was courageous of you to share just
as Laurie stated. I've been a huge fan of your
posts and consider you one of my favourite
online friends.

You are one of the reasons that I even post here.
When I was going through this, my local friends
gave me this advice, "Drink Heavily!"

I tried this and it didn't work, they will get
the money when you have and no sooner, who cares
about a bad credit rating...

P.S. Just don't eat bacon anymore.
I don't think John Testa would mind Smile
Devious Deceptions
"Gadol Elohai!"
L'Chaim!
MagicBus
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Kalamazoo, Michigan
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Thanks for sharing, I think just about everyone on the planet struggles somewhere in their lives- I know I have for sure. It is not easy nowadays to find good paying jobs, or even keep businesses going that at one time may have been booming. If I could do it all over again, I would have thought and bought smaller, closer to being downsized/minimalist all the time, rather than financing out the maximum for this or that and then being stuck/yoked to a huge secured debt load for a zillion years.

Student loans: lots of repayment plans available. 10 years working in certain areas in government/teaching type jobs, government loans are discharged. Other government loans can be repaid over 20 years on a real income basis, then finally discharged. Sounds like you already looked into that. The student loan crisis in America is close to a trillion dollars now, I'm hoping relief legislation may be coming soon. As a bankruptcy attorney, I often file 5 year Chapter 13 repayment plans for a very low amount (say $50 a month)- this gives one 5 years of breathing space and student loan public and private creditors cannot come after you again at all during this 5 year period. A filer just basically puts the student loans on the back shelf for 5 years. Everything else (general unsecured creditors) gets Discharged at the end of the Chapter 13 too. Hardship Discharges on student loans in Chapter 7 are possible, but difficult to get totally forgiven now as the judges basically believe if you can walk and talk, you should work out some sort of student loan repayment plan.

As for depression, a good medical doctor is the key. Some family physicians seem to not know what to prescribe really and nothing changes (other than feeling tired and/or "out of it"), other psychiatrists can prescribe the exact mixture of several medications that does absolute wonders.

I am a Christian but I still sometimes struggle with "worry". Having a box of bills and half the funds to pay them, etc.. Just recently, I listened to Andy Stanley's three part series on www.youtube.com about "worry"- I found these messages encouraging and very helpful to me personally. Just put "Andy Stanley Why Worry" in the youtube search box and it will lead you to these short video messages.

Per the comments above, your family loves you more than you'll ever know. You can't be put in jail no matter how much you owe, creditors can deal with it (and do). Debtors prison is long gone. All comes down eventually to a tax write off if the creditors don't get their money, phooey. I know debtors worry about they money they owe more than the creditors who are owed money do oddly enough. Creditors often sell their bad accounts off for pennies on the dollar, it doesn't really matter all that much in the big scheme of things.

Your family and friends cannot replace you, period. As a Christian, I know that God cares for me. He really does, I have learned this to be true even in the most difficult times. I could be very specific here where at times situations seemed absolutely and tearfully hopeless, only be totally resolved a few months later.

Hang in there, sometimes the unclear bus ride sucks, but smooth and more focused roads are around the big perspective corner. Contrary to the above, I find eating more bacon is good, and I especially enjoy eating the KFC original recipe chicken legs- absolutely delicious. Smile
landmark
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It's helped me in times like this to reconnect with the things I used to love, to nurture the parts of me that I had been neglecting for too long.

Time to throw some rocks?
critter
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Spokane, WA
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Even with the bit of relief I still can't seem to snap out of this. I still have a mountain of issues with graduating. I don't have the data to finish my thesis. I don't know what to do for a job. I just feel buried right now. I got so behind in everything this winter from having the flu three times. I have barely eaten or slept all week. I have a good fiancee who is helping me through this but I feel like I'm burdening her with all of my problems. She doesn't make much money either and I want to be able to get us a place so she feels secure. I knew one girl who worked a full time job while finishing her Master's and some days I can't even make myself move at all. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me. I feel useless being slowed down by all of these things.
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
magicalaurie
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Ontario, Canada
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One thing at a time right now, maybe, critter? Guys aren't always geared to multitasking. Women tend to have an inclination for it. See a doctor if you think you need to- you know what you need. Gotta eat. Gotta sleep. Get the data. Keep on with the job search. Something I'll tell ya about a girl, and I think this would be true of your fiancee- a girl WANTS to help. She considers the fact that you let her in on things to be a COMPLIMENT- she doesn't see it as blame or a burden-she's not a guy!!! She already knows you're not perfect. Smile Smile Keep that in mind- guys and girls are different like that- just don't take advantage. Be thankful, appreciative, and she won't hold it against ya the way a guy might. Share a piece of her load once in awhile. Let her share her concerns with you, and just listen, she needs to talk, too. Don't see her concerns as an expectation that YOU have to fix them. She's sharing them because she needs to, and she TRUSTS you to hear them. She'll feel better just knowing she can share her concerns with you, too. You can get through TOGETHER. Perhaps unsolicited advice on my part, so maybe just run it by her and see if she agrees or tells magicalaurie to shutup. Smile All the very best, critter.
Mary Mowder
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Critter,

I really feel for you.

I find that breaking up tasks is a good way to get started.

Even clearing a table to work can be a low stress starting point.
"I don't have to do the whole thing, I just want to clear the table."

Just plan the next step at the end of your first task so you have an idea of what you will do next.

It can also help to just think through the task with no immediate action.
"If I did the task (remember to plan small steps) how would I proceed?"
You will often find that planning without expectation of immediate action is less daunting. After all, you don't have to do anything, just think.
And… doing a task that has already been planned is much less stressful as well because your path is clear before you.

Make your girlfriend a cup of tea. Even small service to others will lighten your mood (real magic!). That kind of sweetness from Tom charms me completely.

Best wishes critter.

-Mary
Chessmann
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You know a simple tool that helps me deal with my days? Just writing down what I need to or should do each day. Not sure why that works, but I love it. I guess it just takes the things that are swirling around in my head and puts them on a very manageable list. Works wonders for me.

Also, when we are down, tough situations seem to take on MUCH greater importance than they ought to. Just try to cultivate an attitude - even a single phrase that you really can take to heart and remember - along the lines of "just remember what is REALLY important" or "don't give tough spots more weight to your life than they deserve". One that I like and think about often is, "Find out what you don't like doing...and stop doing it." Whatever you think is most appropriate, obviously.

Also, if you don't spend time with friends or doing activities (i.e., you're always either at work or at home) get out and do stuff with friends on a semi-regular basis - I ALWAYS feel better after having spent time with friends.

Meet with a group of people on a semi-regular basis who have similar struggles (if you're not already). It is often very relieving to have time with others like this - for whatever reason, reminders that it is not only you are OFTEN helpful - even if your conscious mind knows this, EXPERIENCING it is different and much more effective. Don't know why, I only know that it is true.

Think about this - I did, and I think it is true: people often get their greatest fulfillment when they serve other people. Find an outlet to serve/help other people. Teaching people something, building for others (Habitat for Humanity, maybe?), serving food to homeless or elderly, volunteering at a retirement/nursing home, being a Big Brother, working in a clothes closet - doing tangible things for real people. Make a list Smile of possibilities, and each week find an opportunity to go and do one of them, and maybe you'll really find a home in one of them.

Do NOT let your depression paralyze you into inactivity in the above, or in anything. Depression and inactivity will feed off of each other in a negative way.
My ex-cat was named "Muffin". "Vomit" would be a better name for her. AKA "The Evil Ball of Fur".
GlenD
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Being a person of character and integrity, mixed with steady effort almost always pays off. I believe you are that kind of person and that the right doors will open up for you and you will find your niche, so to speak. Sometimes all it takes is for one thing to go right or fall into place and things start to work out. The loans might seem like they will never be paid off but what you will find is that it will become like a little unexpected bonus when that last payment is made, after becoming almost forgotten and just another part of the monthly budget for so long. You take care and don't forget to count your blessings and I sincerely hope that I have not spoken out of turn in anything I have stated. And like others here, I feel that You're very courageous for opening up and sharing deeply personal stuff but also feel that it could help too.

Glen
"A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway" - Griffin

"Any future where you succeed, is one where you tell the truth." - Griffin (Griffin rocks!)
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