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dorian_faust Loyal user Los Angeles, California 278 Posts |
I am working on a longer show that revolves around the lives of a few characters I have made up and the trials & tribulations they have to go through. There are different effects done throughout, but I do have a habit of being too wordy. Here is the introduction to one of them, accompanied by the PATEO routine that I use. There is more to her tale, but I am just using this as an example. Any thoughts, opinions, bits of criticism would be very much appreciated. I just really don't want to bore my audience . . .
(Based on "The Kathryn Blackmoor Cycle", from the book Scrolls by Tim “Santiago” Converse) “Born on October 31st, 1885 to a large family, the youngest sibling Elizabeth Circe was a young woman living in the small town of Drawbridge, California. She was born to good parents who brought her up as a right and proper woman. Her father was one of the drawbridge operators for the hometown railway station, so she had become accustomed to seeing large groups of people come in and out of her life when making their stops. To pass the time, to generate some conversation with the railway commuters, and to make a little extra money, Elizabeth became a fortune teller. Starting on her 19th birthday, after receiving her father’s blessing, she would set up a table in the station house every morning and put a hand painted sign next to it promising knowledge of the past, present, and future for the price of one thin dime. With her wit, her beautiful appearance, and her even more beautiful personality, she could have a line winding around the station house in less than twenty minutes. It was all in good fun; men and women got to hear what they wanted to hear, and the words of hope and encouragement Elizabeth would supply was worth a lot more than the measly tenth of a dollar she would ask for. “Sadly, even in such a time as hers, skill in such an area could cause interest to be had by people who may not have the best of intentions. “A young man named Jonathan Stanford, son of some father of influence, (aside) and believe you me, he made sure everyone knew it (end aside) , rode through the town which was Elizabeth’s home and happened to see her. He was taken by her beauty, and stopped right there to offer her a new life with him. Do bear in mind, gentle listeners, that young Jonathan was not accustomed to certain words being said to him. One of them being, 'No.' “She refused, and in doing so, sealed her fate. “To deny something from the man who could buy, cheat, or steal his way to almost anything was an admirable, but fatal mistake. Jonathan, while being the insufferable little brat that he was, still did have all kinds of resources through his father. He had friends in very high and . . . very low places. “After much thought, Jonathan had come up with a plan. Money and promises with the right people in town were exchanged, and Elizabeth was taken away to the Agnews Insane Asylum in Santa Clara, California. Allow me to introduce you to her fellow inmates . . .” (I bring out a wrapped bundle of old Tarot cards and spread them into a jumble face down on the table. I then turn to a spectator sitting next to me.) “Together we shall explore the other rooms of this mental hospital, and find out what was the secret desire, unspoken, but shared by all who lived and suffered there. I will point at two of these rooms, and I want you to select one of them. (They do so) Ah, a young woman from Fresno, coincidentally accused of having schizophrenia when she told her husband that he could make his own *** dinner one too many times. Now, you shall point at two, and I will take . . . (I take one) the local prostitute, Camille. She had been bought by too many local politicians. Her knowledge made her a liability.” Back and forth we eliminate one card at a time until only one is left. “All of these women, anything but insane, and yet locked away along with Kathryn in this place. Asylum indeed. The home supposed to be a reprieve for the afflicted, and yet all of them yearned for (I turn over the last card, the Death card) Death.” |
Balaram Special user 904 Posts |
With your interesting voice and a little acting, I think it is just right.
Best with it, looks like fun. |
piyuyu Veteran user 308 Posts |
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is a marvelous read.
I do not think this is too much. I feel that this is just about right and govern enough interest in the audience. (I was already intrigued just by reading your script.) Once again, thank you! |
george1953 Inner circle Mallorca (Spain) 5943 Posts |
I think it looks OK, but these things depend a lot on the individual performers storytelling and acting abilities. If you are good in these areas you would be able to hold an audiences attention .
By failing to prepare, we are preparing to fail.
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DutchFrank Special user Has a fence with 541 Posts |
Sounds hood, but please change Kathryn to Elisabeth in the last paragraph.....
Forgive me any language mistakes.
I'm Dutch. |
ptbeast Special user Oregon 831 Posts |
It is hard to critique it too closely in terms of wordiness. It depends on your personality, that of your character, and the flow of the larger show. If I were to perform it, I would edit it down a little, but not a lot. I believe in being ruthless in the editing process however. I certainly don't see anything wrong with it as written.
It is an interesting routine. I would enjoy seeing it performed. Dave |
Magical Dimensions Inner circle 5001 Posts |
Genuine Amazement by Kenton Knepper might help you here.
Less is more... Ray |
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