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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Gags for: No Tear - Torn and Restored Newspaper (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

troppobob
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Giday

I am preparing to perform the "No Tear - Torn and Restored Newspaper" by Tony Stevens.

The effect for those who may not be familiar is: I commence by stating that I read something important in the newspaper and I ripped out the section of the paper. Then from different pockets I remove pieces of torn newspaper about 150 X 100mm (2" X 3")and read a comment from the paper. Each comment is intended to be funny but not the one I am looking for. After pulling out about 6 of these plus a few extras to make a slighty messy bundle of torn paper, I comment that I should not have torn up the paper because I could have found it more easily. Then the whole lot is droped forward and before the eyes of the hopefully amazed audience it becomes the intact origional newspaper which is shown on all sides and there is no sign of the torn pieces.

I have the mechanics of this effect worked out well and am wanting to collect a range of one line comments that read like an excerpt from a newspaper.

My intention is to collate a range of gags that will be suitable for differnt ages and settings and will be up to date.

My question is: Would any one like to offer some that they are using or perhaps point me in the direction of a location where I may find some useful material?

Here is one that I intend to use: "Due to unforseen circumstances....the psychic convention advertised to be held at (the Civic Centre) next weekend.... has been cancelled"

And I am working on this concept: The meaning of DNA is National Dislexia Association.

Troppo Bob
johnpert
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Do a search for newspaper headings and you should find plenty.

if you have difficulties, let me know.

I state that I collect headings. I share some funny ones and conclude by saying:

While I prefer to read headings, others prefer to read the paper... and produce the paper.

cheers,

j
troppobob
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Giday John

Thanks for your suggestions.

Last night I looked up http://www.lotsofjokes.com and was overwhelmed by the amount of material to work through. Interestingly at lunch time today I went to a local book store and browsed through some joke books and found a page that read word for word the same as one of the sections on that joke site.

Here are 2 that I am seriously considering including:

1. For sale - parachute - only used once - never opened - slight stain.

2. For sale - guitar - cheap - no strings attached.

Troppo Bob
Cabrera
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Here's one for ya:


"Single man who loves fishing looking for a single woman who also loves fishing and has a boat. Please send picture of boat."
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
kid iowa
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If you want headlines, check out http://www.theonion.com or one of its books at the bookstore. You'll have enough headlines/stories for 100 lifetimes.
Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile...can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction, "I served in the United States Navy." J.F.K.
johnpert
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The headlines I use are:

1. A toilet seat has been stolen from a police station. The police have nothing to go on.

2. cow injures farmer with axe. I then add, that gives a new meaning to Mad Cow Disease!

3. on a picture of a sewage waste truck it says "We're #1 in the #2 business"


4. Safety experts say school bus children should be belted

cheers,

john
troppobob
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Giday everyone

Thanks for your excellant suggestions. I have noted them and am trying them out on my family and friends.

Last night we ran the effect at one of our regular performances for a bus load of older people who get our show after dinner as part of holiday package at a local motel. They laughed at the appropriate times and the effect worked smoothly.

Next time I will incorporate more of these into the routine.

Here is one I am considering: "Statistics show that teenage pregnancy reduces significantly after age 20."

Any more suggestions will be welcome.

Troppo Bob
magicgeorge
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http://headlinehumor.com/

http://www.wordlab.com/chat/thread.cfm?t......44#38517

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000019.html
These too:
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Child's stool great for use in garden
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Tate
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From the financial section:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Fish sales were floundering.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Knives were up sharply.
Pencils lost a few points.

There's a lot more of these. Just search on "helium was up" on the internet.
troppobob
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Giday everyone

You are all so helpfull and your suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I have the beginings of a comprehensive list and am enjoying laughing at many of them.

Troppo Bob
Bilwonder
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Father of seven puts blame on wife.

Weather report: Colder on Tuesday to be followed by Wednesday.

Miss Manners says: Never break your bread or roll in your soup.

Wanted: invalid chair by a lady with a cane bottom.

For Sale: Slightly used electric typewriter for sale by secretary with a wide carriage.

If baby doesn't digest its milk, it should be boiled.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settle Quickly It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle)

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News)

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami Herald)
billswondershow.com
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain
NJJ
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A silly question but...why are you restoring the newspaper?
magicmanx
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Get with the programme Nicholas...he magically restores the paper after looking through all the headlines...because he can't find the article he was looking for in the first place... and thinks it would be easier to find in a whole paper (sigh) lol

Sorry mate...only joking !!
johnpert
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Good question, nathan.

for me, it is part of my concluding patter,

"while I prefer to read heading, others prefer to read the entire paper." and then the restoration takes place.

for me, it makes sense.

but, pls. share your thoughts,

j
NJJ
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Oh I see!

BTW...my name isn't really Nathan. That was just an april fools day joke Smile
redstreak
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Rescue Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
johnpert
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Woops! sorry nathan... I mean nich. Not sure where that came from?

j.
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