The Magic Café
Username:
Password:
[ Lost Password ]
  [ Forgot Username ]
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » The spooky, the mysterious...the bizarre! » » Please do not try this at home! (11 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

weepinwil
View Profile
Inner circle
USA
3290 Posts

Profile of weepinwil
What a day in the mortuary. I had a cadaver brought in wearing blood soaked clothing. As we always do, we cut away his clothing but found no sign of trauma, although it was obvious he had bled to death by the paleness of his face and clothing. Richard and I stood gazing at the body for several minutes with puzzled faces, scratching our heads, and wondering where all the blood came from. We searched every inch of the body and still no sign of a wound large enough to cause such a blood letting. Eventually, we decided it didn't matter how he died, he was definitely dead, so we began the cleaning. We usually wash the cadaver with a hose stream of water and chemicals and then pay close detail to the crevices and private parts. We hooked him up to the aspirator to begin the fluid flow when we noticed the anal stopper would not move into place. It was as if something was preventing the insertion. When we spread his cheeks (not the ones on his face) we discovered a pencil lodged in his anus, along with a boat load of crap. The pencil had ruptured his superior rectal artery and this was the cause of the massive bleeding and his death. (Like having a giant hemorrhoid explode in your butt.) We removed the pencil and crap and completed the preparation. It was only upon reading the obituary that I discovered he was a high school teacher, by trade; a mathematician. The only thing I can figure is he was constipated and, being a mathematician, tried to work it out like all his other problems, with a pencil, thus rupturing the artery. So friends please remember there are other alternatives for constipation and never try this at home.

Your friend,
Weepin' Willie
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
Yogi2x4
View Profile
Regular user
190 Posts

Profile of Yogi2x4
Was the point at the (uuuuhhhhh) "busy" end?

I assume it was a #2 pencil
weepinwil
View Profile
Inner circle
USA
3290 Posts

Profile of weepinwil
Quote:
On Jun 22, 2017, Yogi2x4 wrote:
I assume it was a #2 pencil


Now, that's funny!
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
Darkness
View Profile
Inner circle
1457 Posts

Profile of Darkness
I know some teachers that could use a new pencil case...
Philemon Vanderbeck
View Profile
Inner circle
Seattle, WA
4272 Posts

Profile of Philemon Vanderbeck
As a math teacher, I am OFFENDED by that "joke."

Everyone knows that "real" mathematicians still use a slide rule to work things out. (At least us older ones do.)
Professor Philemon Vanderbeck
That Creepy Magician
"I use my sixth sense to create the illusion of possessing the other five."
weepinwil
View Profile
Inner circle
USA
3290 Posts

Profile of weepinwil
Quote:
On Jun 23, 2017, Philemon Vanderbeck wrote:
As a math teacher, I am OFFENDED by that "joke."

Everyone knows that "real" mathematicians still use a slide rule to work things out. (At least us older ones do.)


Joke? What joke? I can only relate events as they occur. Obviously, this mathematician uses the right tool for the right job and didn't have a #2 slide rule. Sorry you were offended but let me assure you when you lie upon the embalming gurney you will be offended even more because not even Victoria has any secrets in the embalming room. Take care my friend.

Weepin' Willie
Founder of the Hayville School of Embalming, Cremation, and Culinary Science
"When the oven's hot cook all you can!"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
Philemon Vanderbeck
View Profile
Inner circle
Seattle, WA
4272 Posts

Profile of Philemon Vanderbeck
It can't be true . . .

Something just doesn't add up.
Professor Philemon Vanderbeck
That Creepy Magician
"I use my sixth sense to create the illusion of possessing the other five."
Darkness
View Profile
Inner circle
1457 Posts

Profile of Darkness
Well good thing he didn't find abacus beads...
weepinwil
View Profile
Inner circle
USA
3290 Posts

Profile of weepinwil
Quote:
On Jun 23, 2017, Darkness wrote:
Well good thing he didn't find abacus beads...


Abacus beads up the butt..... sounds rather sensual. I think they do that someplace I've been before.
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
Delimbeau
View Profile
Elite user
May the magic be with you
477 Posts

Profile of Delimbeau
It's better than a whole abacus Smile
Darkness
View Profile
Inner circle
1457 Posts

Profile of Darkness
Lol now that's funny.

At least it will slide in easy.
Dr Spektor
View Profile
Eternal Order
Carcosa
10571 Posts

Profile of Dr Spektor
The Pencil is mightier than the Suppository
"They are lean and athirst!!!!"
Delimbeau
View Profile
Elite user
May the magic be with you
477 Posts

Profile of Delimbeau
Smile
Darkness
View Profile
Inner circle
1457 Posts

Profile of Darkness
And if we put an eraser in, it's great for removing sensitive a wholes (respectful spelling).

Too much? Sorry.

In the end, it's the entertainer in me wanting to come out...
weepinwil
View Profile
Inner circle
USA
3290 Posts

Profile of weepinwil
Quote:
On Jun 24, 2017, Darkness wrote:
And if we put an eraser in, it's great for removing sensitive a wholes (respectful spelling).

Too much? Sorry.

In the end, it's the entertainer in me wanting to come out...


Don't think the entertainer is what was suppose to come out.....
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » The spooky, the mysterious...the bizarre! » » Please do not try this at home! (11 Likes)
[ Top of Page ]
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2020 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved.
This page was created in 0.1 seconds requiring 5 database queries.
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café
are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic.
> Privacy Statement <

ROTFL Billions and billions served! ROTFL