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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
What a day in the mortuary. I had a cadaver brought in wearing blood soaked clothing. As we always do, we cut away his clothing but found no sign of trauma, although it was obvious he had bled to death by the paleness of his face and clothing. Richard and I stood gazing at the body for several minutes with puzzled faces, scratching our heads, and wondering where all the blood came from. We searched every inch of the body and still no sign of a wound large enough to cause such a blood letting. Eventually, we decided it didn't matter how he died, he was definitely dead, so we began the cleaning. We usually wash the cadaver with a hose stream of water and chemicals and then pay close detail to the crevices and private parts. We hooked him up to the aspirator to begin the fluid flow when we noticed the anal stopper would not move into place. It was as if something was preventing the insertion. When we spread his cheeks (not the ones on his face) we discovered a pencil lodged in his anus, along with a boat load of crap. The pencil had ruptured his superior rectal artery and this was the cause of the massive bleeding and his death. (Like having a giant hemorrhoid explode in your butt.) We removed the pencil and crap and completed the preparation. It was only upon reading the obituary that I discovered he was a high school teacher, by trade; a mathematician. The only thing I can figure is he was constipated and, being a mathematician, tried to work it out like all his other problems, with a pencil, thus rupturing the artery. So friends please remember there are other alternatives for constipation and never try this at home.
Your friend, Weepin' Willie
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Yogi2x4 Regular user 190 Posts |
Was the point at the (uuuuhhhhh) "busy" end?
I assume it was a #2 pencil |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Jun 22, 2017, Yogi2x4 wrote: Now, that's funny!
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Darkness Inner circle 1626 Posts |
I know some teachers that could use a new pencil case...
THE SUPERNATURAL ILLUSIONIST & EFFECTS CREATOR WWW.MRDARKNESS.COM
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Philemon Vanderbeck Inner circle Seattle, WA 4694 Posts |
As a math teacher, I am OFFENDED by that "joke."
Everyone knows that "real" mathematicians still use a slide rule to work things out. (At least us older ones do.)
Professor Philemon Vanderbeck
That Creepy Magician "I use my sixth sense to create the illusion of possessing the other five." |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Jun 23, 2017, Philemon Vanderbeck wrote: Joke? What joke? I can only relate events as they occur. Obviously, this mathematician uses the right tool for the right job and didn't have a #2 slide rule. Sorry you were offended but let me assure you when you lie upon the embalming gurney you will be offended even more because not even Victoria has any secrets in the embalming room. Take care my friend. Weepin' Willie Founder of the Hayville School of Embalming, Cremation, and Culinary Science "When the oven's hot cook all you can!"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Philemon Vanderbeck Inner circle Seattle, WA 4694 Posts |
It can't be true . . .
Something just doesn't add up.
Professor Philemon Vanderbeck
That Creepy Magician "I use my sixth sense to create the illusion of possessing the other five." |
Darkness Inner circle 1626 Posts |
Well good thing he didn't find abacus beads...
THE SUPERNATURAL ILLUSIONIST & EFFECTS CREATOR WWW.MRDARKNESS.COM
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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Jun 23, 2017, Darkness wrote: Abacus beads up the butt..... sounds rather sensual. I think they do that someplace I've been before.
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Delimbeau Special user May the magic be with you 596 Posts |
It's better than a whole abacus
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Darkness Inner circle 1626 Posts |
Lol now that's funny.
At least it will slide in easy.
THE SUPERNATURAL ILLUSIONIST & EFFECTS CREATOR WWW.MRDARKNESS.COM
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Dr Spektor Eternal Order Carcanis 10781 Posts |
The Pencil is mightier than the Suppository
"They are lean and athirst!!!!"
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Delimbeau Special user May the magic be with you 596 Posts |
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Darkness Inner circle 1626 Posts |
And if we put an eraser in, it's great for removing sensitive a wholes (respectful spelling).
Too much? Sorry. In the end, it's the entertainer in me wanting to come out...
THE SUPERNATURAL ILLUSIONIST & EFFECTS CREATOR WWW.MRDARKNESS.COM
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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Jun 24, 2017, Darkness wrote: Don't think the entertainer is what was suppose to come out.....
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » The spooky, the mysterious...the bizarre! » » Please do not try this at home! (11 Likes) |
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