Just the punch lines only, please. And the catch is this: You can use real ones, or you can make them up!

I'll start: So the guy said " That's allright, I always wondered what you would look like with a frog in your pants!!...

2 He looks at the other fellow and says, "The monkey! The monkey! She wasn't smelling him. she was smelling the monkey!!"

3I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!!

4 Oh, that's OK sweetie, I can't chew 'em anyway, I aint got no teeth. I just suck the chocolate off 'em!!"

Hon, at our age it's holding our water that's difficult!

You'll find him on a snow tire in Detroit.

Yeeeeehawwww! (Yelled while making a lassoing motion)

So there I was, stark b*****k naked in this fridge...

He's a little deaf do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

"I know" said the gorilla " but where could I find a mattress store at this time of day?"

That's what makes him so MEAN!

With a crowbar!

Three -- one to eat the armadillo and two to watch for traffic.

It raised the average I.Q. of both countries.

Fritz, I think we are in the wrong joke.

Sh-sh-sh-shut up, k-k-k-kid, you'll g-g-get us b-both in trouble.

So the guy turns to the Gorilla and says "we don't get many gorrilas in here." The Gorilla says "At 99 bucks for a chocolate sunday, it's no ***** wonder!"

And the third one said ouch

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar....wait no, that's too unrealistic

My-Coun-Tree-TIZ

And so I ate him

And it was full of baloney just like this story

The old guy says " It's no wonder. Ones hanging down in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!!"

-So she says, "I'm winning, aren't I?"

-So the guy says, "That's no polar bear! That's my wife!"

For a fat girl, you don't sweat much.

:nose:

" The guy says " It tastes like s*** because it IS s***! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

And then his leg fell off

Paula

A week later, they were all dead.

Two. One to hold the butterflies and one to wind the eggplant.

I don't know either, but you should see the hole in my backyard!

Then the other guy says, "That's nothing! On Mondays, he comes in here for coffee!"

A bird that talks in Morse Code...

Yours,

Paul

"I'm checking for bees."

"Can I go ahead and wash my mouth out before she sits in it?"

"Well, it's the least I could do... I was married to her for 30 years."

"That's not my finger."

"Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

"Curt 'n' Rod."

"It was that bar-bit-uate."

The chihuahua says, "Where's that stupid monkey? I send him for another leopard an hour ago!"

"You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork."

"the frog's a ventriloquist."
"they're complimentary peanuts."
"no, no... I'm making fun of HIM."
"and it's deep, too."
"hair lip! hair lip!"
"we need him as third base."
"lady, it's not your lucky day."
"no, ear sticky."
"You mean it's in the papers already!?"
"it started as a mole on my a**."
"Natalie WOOD."
"those are the Guinea pigs."
"but if we have a child it has to be raised Catholic."
"usually milk & cookies."
"look out girls... I've gotta gargle."
"I said Ping Pong balls... not King Kong's balls!"
"Does this taste funny to you."
"You think your scared? I've have to walk out of here alone."
"the other one is a plastic grocery bag."
"little boys' pants half off."
"don't you think you should pet him first?"
"A nun with a harpoon through her head."
"It's Cheney's handwriting, sir."
"You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
"Well, at least I don't have cancer."
"72...72...72... 72..."
"You told it wrong."
"We need the eggs."
"I clearly see your nuts."
"W-wh-wh-what d-d-d-did the ch-ch-chicken do?"
"I've got enough for a golf course."
"Stupid, when you take his hat off you'll see how he parts it."
"I'm getting a fax."
"That's one!!!"
"For $200 I want you naked!!!"
"I make a living."
"here's the hundred dollars I owe you."
"because it wouldn't stand up in court."
"So she could lip read."
"Reading the waffle iron."
"The magician has a lot of cunning stunts."
"Because it says CONCENTRATE."
"Sure, but don't hit me with the stick so hard."
"Eats bushes & leaves."
"Eats, shoots, & leaves."
"Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
"And shoot him again to make sure he's dead."
"Let me gargle before she sits in it."
"He didn't eat the mushrooms."
"You told me your name yesterday."
"Excuse me, son, do you have an eraser?"
"could you put me up for the night?"
"Since you've been here all you do is complain."
"Hey, stop poking me with that thing!!!"


Greg

Willie Sutton: "That's where the money is."

Steve

"Aren't you a little old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

"All right then...grab a brush!"
"Don't worry, dear. Nobody can eat that much ice cream."
"I'd pet him first."
"For a nickel I will."
"That'll teach ya! Don't trust anyone, not even Poppa!"
"Safe!!!"
"Great shot, Dad!"
"Ben who?"

"Rectum? *** near killed him!"
"It's in the papers already?!"
"I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
"Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?"
"Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.'"
"Now go back to your room and wash your face. She'll need a place to sit."

No, Wither-Knife!