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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Mentalism's a joke (1 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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dyddanwy
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I was hoping the title would grab your attention. Smile

In the “Osterlind or Banachek?” thread Cardiac mentioned this joke:

Quote:
A magician says to his friend, "Joe, you gotta help me, I need $1,000.00 for my wife, she's in the hospital". He says, "I'd give you the money, but I'd be afraid you would spend it on magic".

"No, Joe, you don't understand, money for magic I got..."


Which made me smile, and then started me wondering… Are there any other jokes for, or about, mentalists (or magicians)? Are there any mentalist-widow jokes that are comparable to the golf-widow ones…?

The only other mental-themed joke I have heard was a Ronnie Corbett tale on The Two Ronnies (circa 1977), it went something like (and, because of it’s age (and mine), I paraphrase horribly):

“A man (let’s call him Sid) answered an ad in a paper offering to teach anyone to be a mind-reader.

Sid is invited to the great mentalist’s home (let’s call the Great Mentalist Kenton) and instructed to hand over £100 before being led into the garden. Here he is shown the lawn, the plants and the flowerbeds. ‘Great,’ Sid thinks, ‘£100, and all I get is a tour of the garden.’

Then, Kenton hands Sid the end of a hosepipe and insists that he points it towards his face. Kenton walks solemnly away, uncoiling the rest of the hose. He attaches the other end to a garden tap. At this Sid cries out in shock: ‘Wait, wait, I know what you are going to do…’

‘Ah,’ says Kenton, ‘my methods are working.’”

Anyone have any other (better) mentalist jokes they would care to share?

JD (Still smiling) Smile
~ ~
cardiac
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Why was the mentalist staring at the carton of orange juice?

Because it said on the label "Concentrate".
dr chutney
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Marc the mentalist goes into his local stockist and the owner, Peter, says, "Good job you came in today..."

"I know."

"...because I've got something that will make your reputation," Peter brings out a parrot in a cage from under the counter. "Voila! A mindreading parrot!"

"You'll have to work hard to sell that to me," says Marc.

"OK, watch."

Peter hands Marc a deck of cards.

"Go on pick one."

Marc does so and Peter pulls a string attached to the parrot's right leg.

"Five of hearts", squawks the parrot correctly.

"Amazing," says Marc, "Show me something else."

Peter hands him a notebook and a pencil.

"Draw something."

Marc does so. Peter pulls a piece of string on the parrot's left leg.

"A house!" squawks the parrot correctly.

"Brilliant," says Marc. "Now what happens if I pull both strings?"

"Call yourself a mindreader?" squawks the parrot. "I fall of the **** perch!"
We're having a laugh!
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mattisdx
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LOL
rickmagic1
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Haraldo the Great was the world's greatest mindreader and hypnotist. He had advertised that his performance on Saturday evening would be his greatest triumph. The ad stated that he, Haroldo the Great, would hypnotize the entire audience.
Well, when Saturday night came, not an empty chair could not be found! People were cramming in the aisles, on the floor, children sitting on parents' laps to make more room.
Haroldo performed his great feats of mindreading to much enthusiasm, but then the time came. He stepped forward onto the bare stage and simply stated, "It is time. I will at this time cause every man, woman, boy and girl in this auditorium to fall into a hypnotic trance." He took out what appeared to be a very old pocket watch. Haroldo said, "In my hands, I have the watch that once belonged to Dunninger himself. It is both priceless and my prized possession. As I swing the watch back and forth, do not take your eyes off of it. You will begin feeling sleepy, sleepy..." Haroldo began moving the watch left to right, left to right, swinging it slowly. He whispered, "when I clap my hands, the entire room will sleep, then obey my every commmand".
As eyes around the auditorium began to close, Haroldo clapped his hands. At once every head in the auditorium nodded down, but Haroldo lost his grip on the watch and it fell to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. "CRAP", exclaimed Haroldo.




It took 3 weeks and a crew of 40 men to clean the auditorium




Rick
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dr chutney
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Two mindreaders meet in the street. One says to the other,
"You're fine, how am I?"
We're having a laugh!
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Doug Higley
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A Magician/Mentalist goes into a bar in New York City with a Parrot on his head...the bartender say's "Where did you get that?"


The Parrot say's "Tannens...there's a bunch of 'em in there."
Higley's Giant Flea Pocket Zibit
Banachek
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My brain...It's my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen
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Banachek
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Anabelle
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Very cute stuff guys!


Anabelle
Dr_Stephen_Midnight
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Husband (thinking): "Do you believe in ESP?"

Wife (thinking): "No."


Steve
Dr. Lao: "Do you know what wisdom is?"
Mike: "No."
Dr. Lao: "Wise answer."
Banachek
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When asked, "it must be awful being married to you, your poor wife can't get away with anything."

I always reply, "no, it is tougher for me, my wife does the same kind of things, so when she is PMS-ing (sp), she is yelling at me for things I haven't even done yet, but that I am going to do!"
In thoughts and Friendship
Banachek
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Marc Spelmann
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How many mentalists does it take to put up a lightbulb???







None, the stooge does it...
It's not goodbye, just see you later...
mindhunter
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"Did you hear about the midget mind-reader that escaped from the assylum?"

(Bryn gets ready for the boos....)

"They are looking for a small Medium at-large....."
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dyddanwy
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Many thanks for the fun.

I loved 'Dunninger's Watch', Rick.
And Bryn's 'escaped midget' made me cry.

Banachek and Steve's thoughts about home life also reminded me of a recent incident. I was driving with my wife along a reasonably quiet road. Abruptly, the car in front slowed and moved into the middle of the road, then without any indication it swerved back in front of us, crossed our path and sped off down a side road to our left. I had to break sharply. Under my breath I cursed the driver's thoughtlessnes: @$%#&*! idiot, what do you think I am, a mind-reader?" To which my wife added, quietly, "That's what you claim!"

JD
~ ~
NJJ
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Here is a good joke for mindreaders.

.....
Richard Evans
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Hear about the mentalist/psychic who had to cancel a show due to unforseen circumstances?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
muzicman
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend once....

But she dumped me before we could meet!!
Cabrera
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You wrote: "Here is a good joke for mindreaders"

.....


Careful with those risque jokes Nicholas, the grammar host may not appreciate it!
"The quilt of life is woven with many different threads"
Danny Archer
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If you beleive in telekineses .. raise my hand ...
Caliban
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In the UK there's a magazine called Psychic News. I never understood that. I mean, what's news to someone who's psychic?
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