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Clifford the Red
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Inner circle
LA, California
1934 Posts

Profile of Clifford the Red
Hey, **** happens so what is your favorite tension releaser?

My favorites are -

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps. (quote from Emo Phillips)

and from Eugene -

Well, back to the drawing board with that one!
"The universe is full of magical things, waiting for our wits to grow sharper." Eden Philpotts
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Kevin Mc Lean
278 Posts

Profile of Whiterabbit
If something went irretrievably wrong.

"Hmmm, that's almost like magic, except magic actually does something... How about we rearrange this and... ta dah (should be reset by then). Okay, not impressive, this is just very clever misdirection (then your best vanish, transformation, whatever). See, you knew things would turn out fine..."

Above all keep calm or appear to really scared in a fake highly theatrical way. Never let them know you've screwed up.
May your fingers never lose their deftness,

May your tongue always lead them down the garden path...


Kenn Capman
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Regular user
Southwestern Michigan
196 Posts

Profile of Kenn Capman
"Well THERE'S something you don't see everyday . . .unless you're ME!"

(Looking at exposed gimmick or flashed item) "If it were THIS easy anyone could do it . . . except me apparently."

"Well now that we've covered the comedy portion of the show, let's quickly move into the magic part."

"You didn't want to see that one anyway . . . oh wait, you DID see that one!"
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents."
- Salvador Dali -
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Veteran user
and Pretty Nice Guy
374 Posts

Profile of Bill

Kenn those are GREAT!
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Inner circle
NJ, U.S.
6112 Posts

Profile of Jaz
What to say when things go wrong...very wrong.

Jon Allen
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1712 Posts

Profile of Jon Allen
"Good job I gave up being a bomb disposal expert"
Paragon 3D - the most incredible Card to Clear Box you will ever own. Be fooled here:
The Silent Treatment - Digital Edition: this iconic routine just got upgraded! Watch -
Order the bar-raising DVD set 'Connection' at
Jonathan Townsend
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Eternal Order
Ossining, NY
27113 Posts

Profile of Jonathan Townsend
Guess we need some more eye of newt
and perhaps a bit less tricky cards? all the coins I've dropped here
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879 Posts

Profile of Eirik
I remember readin Scott F. Guinn thoughts on this:

"If I flash something and someone calls me on it, that’s not heckling. It’s MY fault, not the spectator’s. I’ll usually say something like, “Sir, pretend you didn’t see that. The rest of you, pretend you didn’t hear him. All of you pretend I’m a magician—I’m obviously pretending I am!"

A nice way to make comedy out of a magicians most unpleasant situation..

...As long as i`m not a world-champion at anything, the great reactions of doin` magic will do just fine.....
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New user
Stafford, UK
94 Posts

Profile of tony4938
Excellent Eirik, I'll remember that one!
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Inner circle
SW Ohio, USA
1555 Posts

Profile of Dr_Stephen_Midnight
Quote from the late Duke Stern when his triple cut&restored rope routine went 'foobar':

"Now, at this point a magician would put the rope back together."
(tosses the rope over his shoulder)
"Gee, I wish I could do that!"

Dr. Lao: "Do you know what wisdom is?"
Mike: "No."
Dr. Lao: "Wise answer."
Lee Darrow
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Chicago, IL USA
3588 Posts

Profile of Lee Darrow
"Don't feel bad, think how I feel having to stand up here and do this for a living!" - works well for those moments where something goes drastically wrong.

"Hmmmm, victimized again by a random gust of gravity!" - when you drop something.

"Well it was supposed to be an illusion. Obviously not a very impressive one..." - for those moments where you get to the Ta-Da! part and no one reacts.

"Heck, it worked when Coperfield did it! But then, I'm not on the same pay scale as he is..." for assorted screw ups.

Stop, salute the dropped object and fake a trumpet doing "Taps" for dropped objects (or worse, a dead bird that was supposed to fly out of the handkerchief...)

Do the sound effect for Dr. McCoy's medical tricorder and say - "It's dead, Jim! The trick died trying to save us from boredom!"

Hope these help!

Lee Darrow, C.H.
<BR>"Because NICE Matters!"
Daniel Faith
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Neenah, Wisconsin
1526 Posts

Profile of Daniel Faith
Here's a collection of them for ya.

Thank God gravity still works!

I have just upgraded to the newest version of Windows. I think I need a reboot.

If your using cards, get out the invisible deck as an out.

But that's just a trick. Now let me show you some magic.

If at first you don't succeed, then failure is a real possibility.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. (Perhaps rip up a card)

I forgot to compensate for the rotational effect of the earth

Did you feel that sudden flux of gravity?

Hmmm. It worked in the magic store.

It's all part of the show folks...the part that hasn't been rehearsed.

That’s the first time that ever happened…again.

It doesn't look as bad from my side.

It would have been cool though…

It must be one of those new coins. They are gravity enhanced.

Wow, good thing the floor was there ... no telling how far that could have gone.

I believe it's important to tip the janitor.

This place is so wild, coins don't even obey the law.... Of gravity

My dropping the coin may seem an accident, but it makes the rest of the act look really good.

Oh, I thought you said drop it.

Wow it's so quiet in here, you could hear a career drop.

Well…mistakes do happen. My parents said that’s how I got here.

While I pretend to mess up a trick, my assistant is leading an elephant into the other room.

Wrong? I am never wrong. There was one time when I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

Last time I buy something from Acme Magic.

If it were THIS easy anyone could do it . . . except me apparently.

Well now that we've covered the comedy portion of the show, let's quickly move into the magic part.

You didn't want to see that one anyway . . . oh wait, you DID see that one!

Did you see that? Too bad…you just missed a quickie.

We interrupt this trick for a test of my brain. This is only a test.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled magic trick to bring you this other magic trick that I didn’t completely forget how to do.
Daniel Faith
The Mac
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1969 Posts

Profile of The Mac
1. when something is seen (flashed)- if you pretend you didn't see that, I'll pretend you didn't.

2. when you blow a trick completely : I never got the hang of this magic stuff..I knew I shoulda quit when I tried to pull the hat out of the rabbit.

3. Dropping cards : I know what you're thinking, and you're rigght that was done with smoke and mirrors.
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Arlington, Virginia
2441 Posts

Profile of rossmacrae
"The real magician will be here in a few minutes, folks."
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Profile of Magicmike1949
"Normally I would've concealed that little mishap from you with smoke and mirrors, but they don't allow smoking in here."

"Did I mention that this one is still a work in progress?"

"You know I recently purchased this trick on ebay. Remind me to give the seller some very negative feedback." Or...

"For you shoppers, this trick will be appearing tomorrow on ebay."

"And some of you thought magic was easy."

"Anyone in the audience named Gandolf? I could use some help right about now."

Or you could say..."Is Harry Potter in the house?"

"And that, ladies and gentleman, is my impersonation of my uncle Charlie doing a card trick."

"For my next trick... I will be erasing your memory of what has just transpired."

Speaking to an imaginary person offstage, "Your honor, I request you to instruct the audience to disregard that last trick and not let it influence their deliberations when deciding whether to applaud."

"For my next trick I shall read your collective minds(pause) You are all thinking...He just screwed that other trick up.... Am I right? Thank you."

"Aha! It appears that now the tables have turned, and it is I who am deceived. Now that's entertainment."

"This is something you won't see at a David Copperfield show."

"Now if I were David Blaine, I'd just edit this out, and you'd never see it."

"For those of you videotaping: please stop and rewind."

Look up surprised and say,"I thought I said no flash photography." Then move on.

"The hand may be quicker than the eye, but apparently my brain is slower than both."

After looking at your watch,"I think maybe my Viagra is kicking in, and my mind is elsewhere." Wouldn't recommend using this one at kid's shows, but your mileage may vary.

"If you think that looked bad from your point of view, you should have seen it from mine."

"Oh, if only I could disappear."

"I can see the headlines now... 'Magician fools self.'"

After checking your watch,"My 15 minutes of fame is apparently over."

"I have decided tonight to be the masked magician-- revealing to you how the trick is done; but without the mask."

"Thank goodness that was a card trick, and not my sawing you in-half finale."

"You were expecting a miracle?"

"Had this worked, you all would've been amazed. As it is, only I am astonished."

"It is at this point that I wish I had a scantily clad assistant to bail me out."

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my proof of Murphy's Law."

"If I were Shakespeare, I would know what to say now. I would write...Magician exits stage left."

"When Houdini found himself in a similar situation, it is said that he simply escaped."

"At least you know I'm not using trick cards."

"This is the dress rehearsal, right?"

"Did I mention that I only do magic to amuse myself?"

"Man, I wish I liked to practice."

Pull out a copy of Magic for Dummies, peruse its contents. Then say, "Someday I'm going to read this."

"Okay this sucks, but it beats sitting home watching QVC."

"Would everyone please now bow your heads and close your eyes for a moment of silence in remembrance of the dying magician."

"For those of you with cell phones, please dial 911.I'm in serious trouble here."

"A true professional never lets you see him sweat. So would you all please close your eyes until I can put on another shirt."

"You are very lucky....If I were your surgeon, instead of your magician, you'd be dead now."

"Anyone up for an intermission?"

"Could someone please scream 'Fire!'"

"Okay. Let's pretend that I'm the Emperor, and I'm wearing no clothes.Everyone please look away, but tell me how great I am."

"In the art of legerdermain, this is what is known as 'Le screw up.'"

Pull out an envelope that says on it "Prediction". Open up the envelope and read from it, "The magician will botch this trick."

"Well, it fooled them at the nursing home."

"Thank goodness, I don't work with white tigers."

"This is why I'm the only magician people want to play cards with."

"If you could've seen me do this in front of the mirror at home you would've loved it."

"Please hit the pause button on your remotes and go get something from the refrigerator. I'll be here when you get back."

"If I had a nickel for every time this trick went wrong, I could afford to be doing something besides magic."

"And that is my impersonation of George Bush performing magic."

I believe it was Vernon who upon turning over the wrong card said something along the lines of, " I'm certain you're surprised by that, but I assure you no one is more surprised than I am."
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Profile of Magicmike1949
A few more since my last post:

"This trick is like my electric shaver in the desert...It ain't gonna work."

"I call this trick, 'Bummer'".

"Then what was your card? (After receiving their response) Oh, that's the Bin Laden card. No one can find it."

"If I were Emeril the Magician, I'd throw some garlic on this trick, and you would all applaud wildly. Then mime that action as you shout "BAM!" (And hope they applaud. If not, repeat until they do.)

"This what happens when you enjoy surfing for porn more than practicing your magic."

"This effect was taken from my performance on David Letterman doing stupid human tricks."

"This is apparently that rare instance when you can't fool any of the people, any of the time."

"Were I practicing law right now, I'd be disbarred. As it is, I think I'll just make my way to the bar.

"I bet you won't ask me to do that one again."

"Thank goodness I'm not an air traffic controller."

"Since I've taken an oath not to tell you how the tricks are done, I thought I'd just show you how."

"After the show I'll be performing free vasectomies."

"Why can't there be a power failure when you need it?"

"See it's really not as much fun when you know how it's done."

"If there is a Coroner present, would you please pronounce this trick dead, so that we can put it to rest."

"I call this,'The Honeymoon Trick'. Meaning 'It's over, Baby.'"

"In the immortal words of Tom Cruise from the movie Risky Business...'Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the.....well, you know what I mean.."

"Anyone out there got any smoke and mirrors?"

"In order for this to work, you all need to be completely stoned."

"I feel like a real idiot now, but I bet you do too for watching."

"I only I were Bill Clinton, and you were Hillary. This still could've worked."

"Normally right now the music pipes in with Brenda Lee singing, 'I'm Sorry.'"

"If this trick were a greeting card, it would be blank inside so you could write your own ending, 'cause I don't have one."

"The number one rule for magicians is that if a trick fails, it is Never the spectator's fault. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule...."

"This is most unusual.I can assure you that my performance tonight is not indicative of my performance in the bedroom."

"I suppose I'll have to go back to the magic chat room to find out how the darned thing works."

"Someone call my lawyer and tell him to file a petition for reorganization."

"In the words of the great Johnny Cochran, 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.' Well,if you mess up the bit, then you must take a........deep breath and gone on with your next effect."
Bob Sanders
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Grammar Supervisor
Magic Valley Ranch, Clanton, Alabama
20514 Posts

Profile of Bob Sanders

Now people will know why there is a brainwave deck in my coat breast pocket almost all the time! In the hassle, I reach in my coat pocket and drop the deck down my sleeve. You know the rest!

I've had to do that a few times since before cars had fins. It's a great out. It even looks like magic!

Magic By Sander

PS - I can tell when I'm going to need it. It starts out, "Take a card, any card."
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz
David Garrity
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520 Posts

Profile of David Garrity
There is actually a book out for when things like this happen!

It is called; "What to say... When You're Dying on the Platform" by Lilly Walters. You can get it on Amazon. It is a fun read as well as informative.

Bob Sanders
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Grammar Supervisor
Magic Valley Ranch, Clanton, Alabama
20514 Posts

Profile of Bob Sanders

Did she say that I was the "before" picture?

Magic By Sander
Bob Sanders

Magic By Sander / The Amazed Wiz
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216 Posts

Profile of Whitewolfny
I couldn't help notice how many of these come backs would be great for a ventriloquist's figure to use. I wish I had known some of these when my rabbit poked his head around from the back of my flip-over box.
Braxton Mannar
<BR>Just an old dog trying to learn new tricks Smile
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