I thought you guys might like some of these lines I use. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it!

Two TV antennas got married last weekend. The wedding wasn't bad but the reception was beautiful!

One atom says to another, "I lost an electron yesterday"
The other one says, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive"

What goes up but never comes down? Your Age

How about, "Can anyone tell me... what's a Grecian Urn?"... "About $2.50 an hour I've been told...". Context is a coins to glass or cup routine. Glass or cup is shaped like an urn.

... Wha, wha, wha, whaaaaa.

Horrible joke, but always strikes a familiar chord with some people and gets a chuckle.

Best,

Mike

Ok, anyone know what a "buck an ear" is? Too much to pay for corn. Also, how do you make a Venitian blind? You poke him in the eye.

What do you get when you goose a ghost?




A handful of sheet!

What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinocerous?

Elephino (**** if I know)


What do you call bambi with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call Bambi with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.


Stop me before I pun again!

Flowbian, oh come on. But heres one... What kind of Cars do Ghosts Drive? A Boo-ick.

New weapon for Star Trek Enterprise = a pillow of energy that goes out and disables the electronics on enemy ships. It's called a FUTON Torpedo!

And it's what Scott Bakula gets for padding his part!

Lee Darrow, C.H.

If all the vehicles in the country were pink, we would have a pink car-nation......

How come the housewife got embarrassed when she looked in the refrigerator? She saw the salad dressing

Ok, it's my turn.

Whats the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.

How do porcupines make love?
Carefully, really really carefully.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment right?
Now what is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? Usually its $3.50 per minute.

What is a very successful husband?
One who manages to earn more money than his wife can spend.
What is a very successful wife? The woman who manages to find such a husband.

A woman worries all her life until she marries a man. A man never worries through his life until he marries a woman.

That's all for now. I'll think up some more later.

I went to see some Chinese magicians. Two hours later I wanted to see them again. (Heard that and thought it was funny.)

Sorry I can't resist...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!

And the magic car?
It turned into a layby!

Ok Here they come:-

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra..

What do you call a spider with no legs,

a currant

What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!

What is the best time to go to the Dentist?
Tooth hurty!

Q. What do you call ten dolls standing in a row?
A. A Barbie Queue

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

............an egg!!

Doctor, doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: Take a seat I'll deal with you later.

A giraffe and a crocodile are sitting at the bar when a lion walks in.
The lion turns to the barman and says "Pint please mate"
The giraffe says "**** me! A talking Lion!"

Woman laying the bath when there's a knock at the door
"Who's there?"
"It's the blind man"
Woman thinks a blind man can't see me so it's okay.
"Come in"
Man comes in
"Nice ***s love now where do you want the blinds?"

A blonde goes to the doctors
Doctor: I'm pleased to tell you Miss Bimbo that you're pregnant."
Blonde: "Are you sure it's mine?"


Paula

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.

What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?

This can go on forever...think I'll go ask the chicken to cross the road again

Did you hear about the guy who apoted a legless Dog? He couldn't decide on a name so he called him cigarette because at least twice a day he had to take him out for a drag....


Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa...

What the difference between Broccoli and Boogers?

Kids won't eat broccoli....


Why do husbands generally die before their wives do?

Because they WANT to.

What has 4 legs and an arm?

A pit bull......

I crossed a pit bull with a St. bernard.....got a dog that mauls you, and then goes for help......

Ok, these two guys walk into a bar and the third one Ducks. Also, for Halloween: How does a witch tell time? With a Witch Watch.

There was a guy named frank and he went to the store to buy a 6-pack of beer. So he bought the beer and went home. After drinking one of the beers the door rang, so he went to answer the door and without any warning a giant bug punched him in the stomach.

The next day he'd just finished a beer and the door rang again and the same bug was there, this time it punched him in the mouth.

The day after that frank did the exact same thing, and the bug yet again kicked him in the leg.

So the next day he went to the doctor's office and told the doctor of the strange goings on. The doctor said, "Theres nothing to worry about, theres just a nasty bug going around."

ollie