A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."


Two yankees are driving through Texas, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolled down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick.
The driver finally comes to and asks, "What the heck was that for!?"
The Trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says,"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he is clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.
After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Shoot, man!! What did you do that for?"
The cop answers, "Just making your wish come true."
Still incredulous, the passenger says, "Huh?"
The Trooper says, "I know how you yankees are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that redneck would've tried that stuff with me!'"

A REALLY drunk man walks out of a bar and a passing nun gives him a dirty look. The drunk grabbed the nun and drop kicked her across the street. Staggering away he was heard to say "Not so tough without your mask, are ya batman."

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:46am
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:46am
FROM SANTA

"I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. (Note: Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.)

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy. Help ain't what it used to be.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:48am
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

I love this one...not as good as the "give me a push" joke though....
A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on this tiptoes trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell. After watching the boys efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!"

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:50am
This is why I love dogs...

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn .....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:51am
As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 10:52am
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:10am
What did the lady mushroom say to the gentleman mushroom??
Your a fungi....sorry....

Did you hear how my canary died? He got CHIRPIES, an UNTWEETABLE CANARIAL DISEASE.

Why don’t frogs like mud?
It makes them UNHOPPY!
How do you get them out?
Call the HOPERATOR, ask for the number of a good TOAD TRUCK!

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:33am
Q: Why does a pilgram’s pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

Q: Why do eskimos was their clothes in tide?
A: ‘cause it’s to cold out tide.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
A: Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Posted: Aug 18, 2005 11:35am
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

One day, a cop, a firefighter, and a lawyer all died at the same time. They went up to the pearly gates of heaven and St. Peter stopped them saying, "Welcome to heaven. Before I let you pass, you each have to answer a question."
He looked at the cop, and said, "Joe, in 1914 a really big ship sank in the North Atlantic...can you name it for me? I’ll give you a hint: they just made a really HUGE movie about it, and it had that DiCaprio kid in it."
Joe the cop thought hard for a minute then triumphantly said, "It was the Titanic!"
"Very good," said St. Peter, "Welcome to heaven!"
He then turned to the firefighter and said, "Sam, can you tell me how many people died on the ship Joe just said? Just a rough number?"
Sam spoke up immediately, "About 1500, sir!"
"Well done!" said the saint, "welcome to heaven!"
Finally, he turned to the third man.
"You were a lawyer, right Tom?"
"Yes, sir, I was," Tom answered.
"Alright...1500 people died on the Titanic. Tell me their names."

OK, ok, I quit...for now.....

That one is hilarious!
Posted: Aug 18, 2005 5:39pm
What is a vampire's favourite food ?
Neck-tarines !

What is a vampire's favourite soup ?
Scream of mushroom !

How do undertakers speak?
Gravely

Do undertakers enjoy their job?
Of corpse they do.

Posted: Aug 19, 2005 6:43am
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.....

One of the jokes that WhiteAngel posted reminded me of this one:

On the day that Mother Teresa passed away, so did a famous criminal attorney.
They were both greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter who said "Welcome to Heaven! Let me show you to your rooms". They were first escorted to what appeared to be a roomy penthouse suite. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said "This is where you will be staying."
"Wow!" thought Mother Teresa "With all my good deeds, I can hardly imagine what my place will be like!"
Then St. Peter took her to a small plain cell which already had 4 other women sitting upon bunk beds. "Mother Teresa, I would like you to meet your roommates"
"I don't understand!' she cried, crestfallen "Why does he get a such a large place all to himself and we have to share these cramped quarters?"
"Give me a break!" he replied "We got plenty of us Saints up here, but Lawyers?"

A man arrived at the gates of Heaven and was greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter asked him why he thought he should be allowed past the Pearly Gates.

"Now, hold on just a minute here" the fellow shouted at the saint. "How do I know this is really heaven? How do I know that all this isn't some figment of my imagination as I lie dying? How do I know if any of this is real and not some hallucination?"

A voice came from inside the gates. "Let him in. He's one of us!"

What's brown and furry on the inside and clear on the outside?
King Kong in plastic wrap.

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a frog?
A gorilla that catches airplanes with its tongue!

Posted: Aug 19, 2005 7:44pm
God tells the world that within 3 days He is going to flood it, again. The Pope blesses the people and tells them to pray for strength and that Gods judgement would be averted. Billy Graham tells the people to pray for the same thing. Hindu's are encouraged to meditate day and night. Jewish leaders issue an emergency memo to all temples that reads as follows: 'We have 3 days to learn to live underwater.'

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old son was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, he said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of his fingers.

Trying to keep him entertained, I reached out and stuck his tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my son was standing on the bed staring at his fingers with a devastated look on his face.

I said, "What's wrong, buddy?"

He replied, "What happened to my booger?"

One morning two elderly ladies were having lunch together in a restaurant. One of them looked up and said, "Martha, you have a suppository in your ear!"

Martha answered, "A suppository? In my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it a moment.

Then she said, "Oh, thank you, Eleanor, now I know what happened to my hearing aid!"

That's hilarious!!

Posted: Aug 20, 2005 8:21am
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Chick: "Am I a people, Mama?"

Hen: "No, Honey, you're a chicken."

Chick: "Where do chickens come from, Mama?"

Hen: "Chickens come from eggs."

Chick: "Where do eggs come from, Mama?"

Hen: "Eggs are laid, Sugar."

Chick: Are people laid, Mama?"

Hen: "Not all of them, Sweety, some are chicken."

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? ...

A man at work one day notices a co-worker, normally a very conservative kind of guy, wearing an earring.

Curiousity piqued, he walks up to the co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent a few moments, but his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Posted: Aug 21, 2005 11:50am
A nun walking down the street sudeenly collapses on the sidewalk. A man nearby rushes over to help her, and takes her into he only business open at the time, which happens to be a bar.

When the nun revives, the gentleman apologizes to her for bringing her into the bar, and she answers, "Oh, that's all right, I understand. It was awfully hot outside."

The man then suggests that she drink something alcoholic, since they are in the bar, to stimulate herself and make her feel better.

"Oh, yes, that's a good idea," she replies and looks up at the sign above the bar. "I'll take one of those 'martin-eyes'," she says.

So as not to embarrass the nun over her pronunciation of "martini," the gentleman says to to the bartender, "Bring me two martin-eyes, please."

The bartender says, "Oh, no! Is that dang nun in here again?"

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal? ...
Why do they make scented toilet paper? ..

Back in the '50s someone came out with chlorophyll toilet paper (Really!). The only reason I could imagine is that, similarly to a then current mouthwash advertisement, it made your *** "kissing sweet."

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a
tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather
have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I
have to adjust the chair."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
....

If your wife is yelling at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?



The dog, of course -- at least when he gets inside, he'll shut up.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra......