OK Bill, then:

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?....

Why did the wizard jump off the top of the Empire State Building?
He wanted to make a hit on Broadway.

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:16am
What's a accordion good for?

Learning how to fold a map

Two Pigs go to a Party - after half an hour they come home - they got BORED!

Two Brooms in a cupboard - can't get married - they've never swept (slept) together.

Did you hear about the Queer Magician - He dissapeared with a Puff!

Then there was the feminist Prostitute, she insisted on paying half!

3 Asians were found dead in Michael Barrymores swimming pool, police have confirmed that they were Suicide Bummers.

Posted: Aug 29, 2005 7:28am
Here's Another 30 One Liners all of which I ahve used in my stand up act at some time or another when it seemed appropriate........

01) Heard about the Gay magician? (pause) He disappeared with a puff!

02) Two brooms in a cupboard (pause) they can’t get married (pause) they’ve not swept together!

03) Two pigs go to a party (pause) they come home after half an hour (pause) they got bored! (bored sounds like the term meaning pigs have had sex)

04) A quick joke for all the Paranoid people in the audience (pause) he’s behind you!

05) I’m going to say something now that’s really going to shock you all (pause) Boo!

06) A quick joke for all the Psychics in the audience (pause and put hand to head as if telepathically sending the joke, then after a few seconds when no-one laughs say) Oh so you’ve heard it before then?

07) Quick impression now of an Irish magician! (at this point hold out both hands with fists clenched and whilst keeping one still, move the other hand up and down then say) Which hand is the Frog in?

08) I can do a trick that Paul Daniel’s can’t! (pause) I’ve got hair! (As you say, “I’ve got hair” pull on your hair to visually emphasise the gag).

09) American Illusionist David Copperfield once walked through the Great Wall of China (pause) which is a big coincidence really, because the other night I got ****ed and walked into the wall at my local Chinese!

10) If the early bird catches the worm (pause) then why doesn’t the worm have a lie in?

11) If 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas (pause) does that mean the other two prefer shaving?

12) Why is there only one Monopoly’s commission?

13) Where do you complain about the complaints department?

14) I played Poker once with a deck of Tarot Cards (pause) I got a full house and three people died!

15) I don’t do a lot of live shows (pause) I do a lot of auditions (pause) in fact I’ve done so many auditions I thought my name was next!

16) I did a show once and the audience consisted of ten thousand midgets (pause) I got a standing ovation and I didn’t know a *** thing about it!

17) Did you know that all midgets are excellent cooks? (pause) Oh yes they are (pause) that’s why there are so many Little Chefs around!

18) I backed a horse once at 10 to 1 (pause) it came in at 20 to 4! (Pause) in fact it was so late back it had to sneak into the stables!

19) I was in Ireland once visiting family and I saw my Uncle Paddy walking down the road with the front door under his arm! (pause) I said to him “what you doing with the front door under your arm?” (Pause) to which he said “I’m going to get a key cut” (pause) “But don’t worry you’ll still be able to get in the house because I’ve left the window open for you!”

20) Why do Gay men have Moustaches? (pause) To hide the stretch marks!

21) Why do Italian Men have Moustaches? (pause) So that they can look like their mothers!

22) What’s the difference between an Oooo! And an Aarrgh? (pause) About an inch and a half!

23) How do you fit a 100 Asylum Seeker’s (or Refugees) into a telephone box? (pause) Tell them they own it!

24) Why did God put men on this earth? (pause) Because Vibrators can’t mow the lawn! (Women love this one!)

25) I’m not religious (pause) Thank God I’m an Atheist!

26) In the bible it says Jesus had a bum made of elastic! (Pause) its true (pause) it says he tied his Ass to a tree and walked ten miles.

27) In the bible it also says that Moses was in fact constipated! (Pause) its true (pause) it says he took ten tablets (pause) went high into the mountains (pause) and so it came to pass!

28) I went on a Cannibalistic Holiday once! (pause) It was self-catering (pause) it cost me an arm and a leg!

29) Coco the clown stopped to give me a lift the other day (pause) he said he was on his way to the garage (pause) when I asked him why, he said he couldn’t get his doors to fall off!

30) Did you hear about the Clairvoyant Contortionist? (pause) She saw her own end!

Enjoy!

Which reminds me, what does "GHOTI" spell?

It spells "fish."

GH as in "rough,"
o as in "women,"
TI as in "nation."

Posted: Aug 29, 2005 3:31pm
A girl asked me the other day if I smoke after sex.

I answered, "I don't know. I've never looked to see."

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

....

Did you hear about Tempura House?
It's a shelter for lightly battered women

Why do they report power outages on TV? ...

Do you know the difference between roast chicken and a long, lingering kiss?" a boss asked his secretary one day. "No. I don't," she said. "Great!" said the boss. "Let's have chicken for lunch."

Asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"...

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? ...

If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared why is there a song about him

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow.

Posted: Aug 30, 2005 11:10pm
Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.

Posted: Aug 31, 2005 6:45am
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Posted: Aug 31, 2005 6:20pm
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? ...

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on
a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher
accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff
stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it
and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague
asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was
okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"


What's a vampire's favorite love song?
How Can I Ignore the Girl Necks Door.


Two policemen in New York were watching King Kong climb up the Empire State Building.
One said to the other, "What do you think he's doing?"
"It's obvious," replied his colleague. "He wants to catch a plane."

What did the zombie's friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?


What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
He ate himself!


it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :
wait?! billy-bob that's not my belly-button.

billy-bob: I know...: and that's not my finger!!

My mother-in-law has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair....

What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Virgin on the ridiculous.

Posted: Sep 2, 2005 6:51am
THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL ALL MEN ARE WAITING FOR

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain:
Priceless
For everthing else.... There's MasterCard

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?...

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of
the party was "war".

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

I was thinking, if sour cream has an expiration date. What happens to sour cream after it passes it's expiration date?
Al