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joseph
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved
into the house next door. He was also quick to notice
that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually
in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of
******. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much
as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could
stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,
opened the door.

"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her ******
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
*******."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's *******."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,
until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he
growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

(See word of the day, below.)
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Jonton
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Quote:
On 2005-08-18 11:35, WhiteAngel wrote:
One day, a cop, a firefighter, and a lawyer all died at the same time. They went up to the pearly gates of heaven and St. Peter stopped them saying, "Welcome to heaven. Before I let you pass, you each have to answer a question."
He looked at the cop, and said, "Joe, in 1914 a really big ship sank in the North Atlantic...can you name it for me? I’ll give you a hint: they just made a really HUGE movie about it, and it had that DiCaprio kid in it."
Joe the cop thought hard for a minute then triumphantly said, "It was the Titanic!"
"Very good," said St. Peter, "Welcome to heaven!"
He then turned to the firefighter and said, "Sam, can you tell me how many people died on the ship Joe just said? Just a rough number?"
Sam spoke up immediately, "About 1500, sir!"
"Well done!" said the saint, "welcome to heaven!"
Finally, he turned to the third man.
"You were a lawyer, right Tom?"
"Yes, sir, I was," Tom answered.
"Alright...1500 people died on the Titanic. Tell me their names."

OK, ok, I quit...for now.....


Good luck gettin' into heaven. The Titanic sank in 1912 and slightly less than 12oo people died.
Sorry...just had to make this point.
~Jonton
I Came, I Saw, I Conjured
www.jontaylornyc.com
Bill Ligon
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One evening, just before a show, a magician discovered that his rabbit seemed to be very ill. The poor thing was listless and just hung limply from the magician's hands when he picked it up. The performer immediately called a veterinarian who was decent enough to respond right away (hey, this is a story, OK?). When he arrived, the vet examined the rabbit and noticed that the animal's eyes were crossed. He said to the magician, "Oh, I know what's wrong with this little fellow. I can fix him up right away." He reached into his little black bag and withdrew a shiny, chromium-plated tube about a foot long. The doc shoved the tube up the rabbit's posterior orifice (You know, his *** ****), took a deep breath and blew through the tube. The rabbit's eyes straightened out and he began to kick and become lively again. The doctor then pointed out that the condition was going to recur from time to time and that the magician could apply the procedure himself. He said, "Now, you will have to blow really hard, and there is kind of a knack to it, so why don't you take a practice blow before I leave?" The magician agreed, and proceeded to remove the tube from the rabbit's rear, turn it end-for-end, and reinsert it. He then took a deep breath, put his mouth to the tube and blew hard. The veterinarian said, "Yuck! Sheesh! That's disgusting! Why did you turn the tube around?" The magician replied, "Are you nuts? I'm not going to put my mouth where you put yours!"
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WhiteAngel
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Quote:
Just a rough number?"


Sorry...just had to make this point.
~Jonton
[/quote]

Just had to make that point, lol......I'm PMing you on your location, I didn't think there was another magician in WV!
True illusionists strive to decieve the eye AND the mind.....
daffydoug
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What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.

Why do witches wear no panties? To help them get a grip on the broomstick.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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"Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he
splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed
some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy, you've witnessed a
miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his keester Father... he's a cripple you know!"

Posted: Sep 16, 2005 7:20am
A guy's' been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.

Gravity brings me down.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A fellow went to a doctor and said to him, Doc, I think something is wrong with my hearing. I can't even hear myself fart.

The doctor examined him and gave him a bottle of pills. The fellow asked, "Doc, will these make me hear better?"

The doctor replied, "No, they'll make you fart louder."

Posted: Sep 16, 2005 11:36am
A guy goes into a bar with a carrot in each ear, orders a drink, pays for it and walks out. This, of course, makes the bartender very curious. The next evening, the same guy walks in with a carrot in each ear, has his drink and leaves. The bartender is going nuts with curiosity, but says nothing. The following evening the guy walks in with a stalk of celery in each ear, orders his drink, pays, and is about to leave. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey, buddy, I hate to bother you, but I can't stand it anymore. Why do you have a stalk of celery in each ear?" The customer smiles and replies matter-of-factly, "I couldn't find any carrots."

Posted: Sep 16, 2005 11:43am
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. When his drink arrives, he drinks it, pulls a handkerchief out of the air, wipes his mouth, covers the glass with the hank, and the glass disappears when he removes the handkerchief. He then pokes the hankerchief into his fist, blows on it, and when he opens his fist, the hank has vanished. He gets up, floats about four inches above the floor, and glides out the door.

One of the customers sitting at the bar says to the bartender, "Geez, that was a strange guy!" The bartender replies, "Yeah, he sure is! He never says goodnight!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Quote:
On 2005-09-16 12:09, joseph wrote:
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years....





Joseph, are you sure you aren't my wife in disguise?
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
daffydoug
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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I was reminded of this one by something I wrote in the Bizarre Magic area.

A drunk was trying to find his way home one night, when he took a shortcut through a cemetary. Being drunk, however, has its hazards, and he fell into a recently-dug open grave. The inebriated gentleman tried to climb out of the grave, but it was too deep, and too dark, and the walls were too crumbly. And he was too drunk. Finally, exhausted, he curled up in a corner of he grave and fell asleep.

Some time later a second drunk came along and fell into the same open grave. He, too, tried to climb out, but found the task impossible. He made so much noise when trying to scale the wall of the grave that he woke the first guy. The first drunk peered bleary-eyed at the newcomer and said, "You'll never get out!"

But he did!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
daffydoug
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Oh, I get it!

Posted: Sep 17, 2005 7:25am
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to (Blazes)."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to (Blazes)!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to (Blazes)!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ***hole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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The rich lady was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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Ok, I just gotta find a time and place to tell the one about the seven-holed chair! Bravo!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2005-09-15 09:12, joseph wrote:
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control....




I always figured a lottery was the only tax in the world people will line up to pay!
"There's no time to lose," I heard her say.
"Catch your dreams before they slip away."
"Dying all the time, lose your dreams and you could lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?"
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