I know how to get feathers off a duck and fur off a rabbit, but how do you get down off an elephant?

Posted: Sep 17, 2005 12:34pm
The joke about the drunks falling into the open grave is not clear, apparently. I think the punchline relies on timing and intonation to get it across. If you didn't understand it, the second drunk was so scared by the voice of the first saying "You'll never get out," that he scrambled out of the hole.

(Sheesh! Talk about dying onstage!)

There's this old man that had just bought a brand new sports car and he wanted to see how fast it would go. So he gets out on the highway and kicks it up to about 85, and just then a state trooper gets behind him. So he speeds up to about 100, and continues to try and outrun the cop. He gets to about 115 and gives up and pulls over. The cop walks up to the old man, and says, "I only have 15 more minutes left on my shift and if your excuse is good enough I'll let you go without writing you a ticket"... The old man blurts out...
Well, About 5 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper.... I thought you were bringing her back .....

Uh, thank you. thank you very much...

Posted: Sep 17, 2005 9:14pm
Quote:
On 2005-09-17 12:34, Bill Ligon wrote:
The joke about the drunks falling into the open grave is not clear, apparently. I think the punchline relies on timing and intonation to get it across. If you didn't understand it, the second drunk was so scared by the voice of the first saying "You'll never get out," that he scrambled out of the hole.

(Sheesh! Talk about dying onstage!)

I got it after about three seconds thought! It's funny! I'll give it the Daffy Doug stamp of approval!

Posted: Sep 17, 2005 9:17pm
Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you happen to wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there....

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we don't do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we don't do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because that's a microwave, not a T.V.

Posted: Sep 18, 2005 10:24am
Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? What am I, a moron? See also, the front cover....

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one....

A four-year-old was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, " After you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That changes the molecular structure of he apple and it turns into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car
At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently,
General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement,
"yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted
the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally
your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just
accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to
re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this
too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single
"general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you
sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would
have no idea what happened!

Posted: Sep 18, 2005 4:11pm
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

A Carrot and a Brocoli are walking down the
street, when all of a sudden, a truck comes out
of nowhere and runs over the Carrot. The Brocoli
then rushed his friend to the hospital. The
Brocoli is waiting for the news of his friend in
the waiting room, when the doctor comes out and
says, "I'm sorry, but your friend is a
vegetable."....

LOL!!!!

Posted: Sep 18, 2005 10:45pm
A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna KILL the ****** that put the novacaine in the vaseline!"

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. ...

Quote said by Eric Henning after dropping a magic prop during a stage performance:
"Gravity: Not just a good idea...It's the law...!"

~Jonton

Ok, Joseph, just for that, here are some back atcha:

What stories do ship captains' children like to hear?

Ferry tales.


Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8.

-------------------

I visited a friend the other day and found him chasing flies around the kitchen with a fly swatter.

When I asked if he had killed any flies he answered, "Yeah, I got five....three males and two females."

Curious, I asked him how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy. Three were on a beer can and two were on the telephone."

-------------------

"Did you ever smell mothballs?"

"Nah, I could never get them to spread their little legs."

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to
do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake!!"

Posted: Sep 19, 2005 7:09pm
What do you get with a corduroy condom?

A groovy kind of love.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
More:

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it....

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Now days we have a wonderful thing called viagra. Before, it use to be rhino horn and eye lashes to give you great masculinity. You can go for an hour, and your thinking,"Yes". Your lady is going "No way. I got **** to do". The phone rings,"Yeah I'll be late today. **** viagra. Oh go out side with that thing". You got more seamen than the german fleet. And the moment you have an orgasm, you look like Goofy. "Aim for the tits hawkeye".
The girls better use some birth control, because those sperms will be coming out of there in 500 miles per hour. A little piece of rubber is not gonna stop that. It's like putting gaze in front of a semi, come on through.
All it takes is one little sperm. One little sperm makes contact. Then its like a chromozone square dance. 24 chromozones coming down.
You just created your self a little creature. The natural process takes its place and 3 months later, the titty fairy arrives. You make one move she goes,"No, they are for the baby".
A couple of months later something else happens. The hormone fairy arrives. It makes her period look like nothing.
One day you'll be coming home and she will be standing there with a large knife yelling,"HONEY". The only thing that can save your ass then is, Haagen Dazs. You have to leave it at the door. She comes out 5 feet and crawls back inside while eating it with her hands.
When that final day comes, you have to drive her to the hospital. She is in the car screaming. Your thinking you have to get her to the hospital, but you also have to get this screaming bitch out of the car. She is like the great white traveling down the highway.
You are a father now. You have to pull your self together. I mean, you can't come home drunk. The kids toys will mess with your head. Like the transformer. It's a truck, it's a robot, what the **** is it.

More famous sayings:
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

Better living through denial.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet? ....

A young man discovered that everyone has one feat of real magic that he or she can do. His, as it turned out, was one he thought would be very useful. He could make a certain gesture when someone stepped through a doorway, and their clothes would disappear.

So he invited his date up to his apartment. When she stepped through the door, he made the gesture and her clothes vanished. She didn't seem the least bit upset, and she smiled at him and said, "Oh, I see you have discovered your own magical feat. I discovered mine a long time ago." She made a small gesture toward his hands and his key bent.

---------------------

A young man invited a girl up to his apartment, and when he opened the door she was shocked to see that he had absolutely no furniture in his apartment, not even a carpet. He said, "Would you like to see the bedroom?" and she thought to herself, "Well, at least he has a bed."

When he opened the door, however, the bedroom, too, was completely bare. Boy, was she floored!

Why did the polish pilot crash the helicopter?
Because he was getting cold so he turned off the fan

How did german take over Polan.
Walked in Backwards and said they where leaving!

Michael