If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?....

Age IDEAL DATE
17 She offers to pay
25 She pays
35 She cooks breakfast the next morning
48 She cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 She can chew breakfast

Posted: Sep 26, 2005 6:30pm
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it

Did you hear about the truck they stopped at the Arkansas border? They were arrested for smugeling books.
Al

What would you do?
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR



* "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

* "We're all out of red, so I used pink."

* "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

* "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

* "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

* "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

* "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

* "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

* "The flag's all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

* Oops....

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?

Finger on chin I don't know.

Hits forehead Oh I get it!

What's the difference between a pitbull and a chihuahua?

If a pitbull starts humping your leg you let it finish....

The only thing I don't like about being a grandfather is being married to a grandmother!

A son comes to his dad and says:
- Dad, I gotta tell you something
- Ok, Quick and clear!
- 100 bucks....

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat

(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

You are not very bright
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki

I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

And japanese for dirty diaper: sak uh pupu


"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Six Flags during the weekend and
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed
a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make
it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read
that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 6:45am

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of
pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be
'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the heck," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The
woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was
doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my butthole
hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling "Here kitty,
kitty.!!'"

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my
wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."...

I have now read the whole thread and shall add a few as I think of them

Curt

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 1:26pm
Helen Keller jokes

How to drive her crazy?

- Walk on her brail books w/ golf shoes
- re-arrange the furniture
- Leave the plunger in the toilet

What did H.K. do when she fell into the well?
- screamed her hands off

What is H.K.'s favorite color?
- corderroy

Have you seen H.K.'s boyfriend?
- her either

How did H.K. break her arm?
- reading a stop sign at 50mph

How did she burn her face?
- anwsered the iron

How did she burn the other side of her face?
- They called back

Why did she mastur**** with one hand?
- so she could moan with the other

Curt

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 1:36pm
Here U of A. and Auburn are huge rivals so I will use Auburn jokes. Feel free to insert whoever

What do you call a pretty girl in Auburn? - a visitor

What has 5 teeth, four arms and smells horrible? The waitress crew at waffle house in Auburn

Knock knock? Who's there? An Auburn burgler. Auburn burgler who? -What other burgler would knock?

Two Auburn students cut down there 1st Christmas tree and are dragging it toward the car when they meet 2 Al. stundents. The bama student point out that they are dragging the tree by the top and it would hold up better if they would drag it by the trunk. The Auburn students do so. After about an hour one says this tree is holding up nicely but we are getting a long ways from the car.

2 Auburn students go ice fishing for the first time. When they return a buddy asks if they caught anything. One said "No, by the time we got a whole big enough for the boat it was to late to fish!

Curt

Having attended both Tulane and LSU, I think I can tell this one.

Two college students, one from Tulane and the other from LSU are trying to impress a young lady they have just met. The girl turns to one of them and says, "I'll bet you are from Tulane." He replies, "As a matter of fact I am. How did you know?" The young lady says, "Oh, I guessed Tulane because you are charming, witty and well-informed."

The other fellow says, "I'll bet you can't guess where I go to school," and she answers, "Oh, I know, you go to LSU." "You're right!" he says, "How did you know?" She says, "I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose!"

Reading this entire thread is a major accomplishment...congratulations!
This thread should be renamed the "encyclopedia of jokes"!

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 5:54pm
Quote:

On 2005-09-28 13:26, magicurt wrote:
Helen Keller jokes

How to drive her crazy?

- Walk on her brail books w/ golf shoes
- re-arrange the furniture
- Leave the plunger in the toilet

Curt

Here's one more: Cover the walls with doorknobs!

Thank you it was fun. Yes the door knob was mentioned. I tried not to duplicate. There are 4 more in the thread I left you too.

Here's corny

What's invisible and smells like carrots? A bunny fart.

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 6:59pm
Here is a joke that works best if you tell it mimicing sign language and use voices, so use your imagination.

I will also shorten it up for reading purposes

A man has a son who is born deaf and mute. He does great in school but now in his 20s cant get a job beacause he cant communicate. The father goes to a long time friend, the local mob boss. The mob boss gives the kid a job. It is perfect because the kid is collecting money and cant tell anyone.

1 year later the mob boss calles the boy and his dad to his office. He tells his friend to ask the kid where the missing 1/2 million dollars has gone. The father, in sign language, asks where is the $. The son, in sign language, replies I don't know what hes talking about. The boss asks again. I have $500,000 missing and I know your son took it. If you weren't my long time friend I wouldn't give him this chance. Make him tell me where the $ is. The father tells him, in sign language, all the boss said. The kid reply, in sign lingo, I don't know about the $.

Finally the boss pulls out a gun and points it at the kid's head and says last chance. The father pleads with the boy and finally the kid signs to his fataher that the $ is in the attic, in a box, under the christmas tree. The father turns to the mob boss and says" The kid says 'SCREW YOU'."

CURT

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet!"

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 11:53pm
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them

Posted: Sep 28, 2005 11:54pm
Quote:

On 2005-09-28 18:59, magicurt wrote:
Here is a joke that works best if you tell it mimicing sign language and use voices, so use your imagination.

I will also shorten it up for reading purposes

A man has a son who is born deaf and mute. He does great in school but now in his 20s cant get a job beacause he cant communicate. The father goes to a long time friend, the local mob boss. The mob boss gives the kid a job. It is perfect because the kid is collecting money and cant tell anyone.

1 year later the mob boss calles the boy and his dad to his office. He tells his friend to ask the kid where the missing 1/2 million dollars has gone. The father, in sign language, asks where is the $. The son, in sign language, replies I don't know what hes talking about. The boss asks again. I have $500,000 missing and I know your son took it. If you weren't my long time friend I wouldn't give him this chance. Make him tell me where the $ is. The father tells him, in sign language, all the boss said. The kid reply, in sign lingo, I don't know about the $.

Finally the boss pulls out a gun and points it at the kid's head and says last chance. The father pleads with the boy and finally the kid signs to his fataher that the $ is in the attic, in a box, under the christmas tree. The father turns to the mob boss and says" The kid says 'SCREW YOU'."

CURT

I heard Michael Close tell that one, but your version is still funny.

A woman walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw us both in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't say you had a prescription!"

What's the quickest way to get a nun pregnanat? Dress her up like an alter boy.

Q. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
A. same as short cows

Q. Do you know how to save David Blaine if he's drowning?
Reply "no"
A. Good

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
5- 1 to change it and 4 to make t shirts

The tooth brush was invented in Mississippi, anywhere else it would be called a teeth brush

Curt

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart."