Why don't Auburn students drink koolaid?

They can't get 2 quarts of water into that little envelope.

Posted: Oct 1, 2005 12:30am
This farmer is in his fiel one night and a ufo lands. The alien that steps out asks the farmer if he can buy in cows? He brings out a suitcase with $10k for each cow. The farmer sells him the cows. They the alien makes a loud strange sound. All of a sudden, a small cow comes out of the ship and in an instant eats all of the cows.

The alien then asks to buy all of his pigs. The farmer collects $12K for each pig and suddenly a small pig flys out of the ufo and eats all of the pigs within seconds.

The alien bids him goodby and starts to enter his ship. The farmer yells "Hey you don't happen to have a little Auburn student in there?"

Curt

My wife and I were happy for 5 years....then we got married....

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?" ....

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the
waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss
the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."

Bill, you reminded me of this:

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority
has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS,
DEA, ATF, etc. Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service. Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in
their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their
backs?

F. A. T. A. S. S.

I feel safer already!

~Jonton

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's schvonstoker. She was driving down
the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to
toss it out the window. The schvonstoker bounced off the windscreen of the car
travelling in the opposite direction.
"#@%$#," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?"
"Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the schvonstoker on that thing?!"

Jonton, LOL! I can just picture that!

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait... someone else is using it." ....

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?



Oh yeah! if they step on you you're screwed!

I have an orange wallet so I can buy deer
.......Never Mind

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not....

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife
told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over
here this morning and beat the **** out of our cats . . .


BTW, welcome Joe! Everything's fair game in this thread (as you have probably noticed!)

"I passed your house yesterday."
"Thanks I appreciate it."

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from." ...

Two roommates chipped in to buy a car. One left with the money to get something. He came back with a camel. He explained it would save on gas and only drank water. It would also be easy to spot in a parking lot.

The two left out on the camel and went to walmart. When they got out they looked and the parking lot was full of camels. The second room mate asked the first what to do, they all looked the same. How would they find their camel?

The first started running around lifting the tails up on all the camels. The second room mate asked him what he thought he was doing. He replied "Finding our camel. Remember at the red light when we left our appartment that guy yelled "Look at the two buttholes on that camel?"

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss." ....

"Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship"

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Lyndel

Posted: Oct 2, 2005 7:46pm
World's Shortest Fairy Tale (for men)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted. THE END

Lyndel

Why can't hob goblins have children? Because they have hollow weenies.
Al

The worlds most famous bull, diablo, is put out to stud. He notices a very beautiful cow watching him one day. She is across the fence in the next pasture. He decides to impress her so he backs up and runs full speed toward the fence. He is at top speed when he takes a graceful leap into the air, he seems to glide in the air as he just clears the fence. He slides to a stop right next to the cow.

She is breathless and amazed. She flutters her eyes as she asks "Wow, are the the famous Diablo the bull?" He replies "Just call me Diablo as that fence is higher than I thought."

(Yes if the cow had jumped it would have been udder disaster.)

The young Marine recruit never quite got over his miserable
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he
joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the
sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your feet, Lizard Pecker,!!!" he bellowed. "You'll eat in
the mess hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

What do you get when you goose a ghost? A hand full of sheet.
Al

: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.