A ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc, I am having terrible trouble with the most awful flatulence. Every time I pirouette, I fart," she cries.

"Hmmmmm," says the doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina gets up, pirouettes, and phrrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the piroutte is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmmm," says the doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina jumps back in alarm. "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open the window, for kripe's sake. It stinks in here!"

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing
then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed
into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she
collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a
stitch of clothing on.

Horrified, she let out a shriek.

Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you,
miss," he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone."

An old lady goes to the Dr. and says she has a problem with gas. She says she farts all the time but the good news is the farts are silent and don't smell at all.

The Dr. examines her and gives her a prescription. She returns in 10 days and complains to the Dr. She says she took the prescription and still farts all the time and they are still silent but they still as bad as anything she's ever smelled. He says good then the next thing I will give you is for your hearing.

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.

OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit....

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and
states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news."
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the
Pope tells them, "Th Lord has returned to the earth. The time of
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up,
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling
from Salt Lake City."

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.

OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.....

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands

KOnO, that was very, very interesting! Pretty amazing, too.

Joke: Find somone to play the part of your victim. Tell him that you have a test of coordination
you would like him to try with you. Find a door with a fairly large crack
between the door and the wall when the door is open. (You know, over by
the hinges; across the width of the door from the doorknob...) You need an
egg (NOT hard-boiled), and a wood floor (you don't want the egg cracking on
carpeting, do you??). Now, have your victim get on the opposite side of
the door from you, and put 2 fingers through the door. Hand him the egg,
in those two fingers. Working with him, trade the egg back and forth a
couple of times, moving UP the door frame. After you have his confidence,
leave. He will be trapped there, holding this egg by two fingers through
the door. If he lets go and nobody takes the egg, it will crash to the
floor. Best to do in the person's own room. Enjoy, you sickos!

Oximorons:

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Good grief
Genuine imitation....

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen roses. "I'm sorry," said the clerk, "This man just ordered our last bunch.

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked, "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse that that," the second man confided, "I crashed my wife's hard drive."

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."....

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

"I heard you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."

"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling.".....

A mother was having a hard time getting her son to school in the morning.

"Nobody in school likes me," he complained.

"The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."

"But, John, you have to go to school," said his mother sternly.

"You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and you're the principal!"

Why does the University of Tennesse football
team wear orange to all their Saturday games?

So that they can wear the same outfit to go
hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 8:53am
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 9:35am
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 9:38am
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".

"My God!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been ****** by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants ***** is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 10:04am
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink."

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat the possum, and two to watch for cars.

How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?
The toilet gets clogged.

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 4:41pm
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections - I let her talk.

There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture....

If the girls with big chests work at Hooters,then you should be able to find the
one-legged gals at I.H.O.P.


Lyndel

Ha ha! I'll have to ask Peg.

HAHAHAHA!!! I love it! That's a new one for my collection.
~Jonton