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daffydoug
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That ain't nothing! listen to this one: Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?



The sound of the zipper scares the sheep!!!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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The New York parade came to a halt, and a Scottish bagpipe band stopped near a young lady. She asked the nearest Scotsman, "I've always wondered. Tell me, what do you wear under your kilt?

The Scotsman replied, "Lassie, give me your hand!"

Posted: Oct 22, 2005 12:45am
Then there was the Scotsman who went into the wrong bathroom. He thought it said "Laddies."
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
daffydoug
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A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!

The more you say, the less people remember......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Jonton
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Quote:
On 2005-10-21 17:39, glatner wrote:
First off... Apologies to all the women who read this, it can be told in the reverse as well, so in advance sorry..

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island when they find a genie. He agrees to grant them each one wish.

The blonde wishes to be smarter, turns into a redhead, and swims off, only to get eaten buyt a shark.

the Redhead wishes to be even smarter so she can avoid the shark. She turns into a brunette, builds a boat, sails off, gets stranded and dies of starvation.

The Brunette wishes to be even smarter, turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.


There's a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette stranded on an island. Over the few weeks that they had been there, they had become great friends. One day while searching through the brush for something to eat, the brunette stumbles upon a lamp, from which a genii appears. He says he can only grant 3 wishes, so they must each get one wish. The brunette wishes to go home to be with her family. The redhead also wishes to go home to be with her family. Soon, only the blonde is the only one left. As the genii is about to move on to her, she begins to sob. The genii asks why she is so sad when with just one wish, she could have anything she wanted. She immediatly stops crying and says "really?!". The genii nods his head. Just then the blonde says "Oh Genii, all I want is to have my friends back!"

I'm sorry if this has already been posted, because I have a feeling it has. Anyways...enjoy!
~Jonton
I Came, I Saw, I Conjured
www.jontaylornyc.com
joseph
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A farming couple, not very educated, scrimped and saved to send their only son to college. When the young man found himself on his own in this more sophisticated environment, he cultivated a beard and moustache. Proud of his new look he sent a picture of himself home to his parents with a note that said, "How do you like the way I look? Don't I look like a count?

His father wrote back to him, "I think you're an idiot. We worked our fingers to the bone, scrimping and saving, all to give you a college education, and you can't even spell!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Quote:
On 2005-10-22 15:10, Jonton wrote:
Quote:
On 2005-10-21 17:39, glatner wrote:
First off... Apologies to all the women who read this, it can be told in the reverse as well, so in advance sorry..

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island when they find a genie. He agrees to grant them each one wish.

The blonde wishes to be smarter, turns into a redhead, and swims off, only to get eaten buyt a shark.

the Redhead wishes to be even smarter so she can avoid the shark. She turns into a brunette, builds a boat, sails off, gets stranded and dies of starvation.

The Brunette wishes to be even smarter, turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.


There's a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette stranded on an island. Over the few weeks that they had been there, they had become great friends. One day while searching through the brush for something to eat, the brunette stumbles upon a lamp, from which a genii appears. He says he can only grant 3 wishes, so they must each get one wish. The brunette wishes to go home to be with her family. The redhead also wishes to go home to be with her family. Soon, only the blonde is the only one left. As the genii is about to move on to her, she begins to sob. The genii asks why she is so sad when with just one wish, she could have anything she wanted. She immediatly stops crying and says "really?!". The genii nods his head. Just then the blonde says "Oh Genii, all I want is to have my friends back!"

I'm sorry if this has already been posted, because I have a feeling it has. Anyways...enjoy!
~Jonton

She pulled a Gilligan!

Posted: Oct 23, 2005 11:00am
Quote:

On 2005-10-23 07:19, joseph wrote:
My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.....

Joseph, man you are coming up with some real zingers lately!

Posted: Oct 23, 2005 2:18pm
Do you know why it's called sex?

Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Good one, Daff......

He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me

Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?

Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?

I can't remember the last time I forgot something....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
The Mirror Images
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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use
an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the
summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was
you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree.

Michael
Steven and Michael, The Mirror Images
The MOST Identical Twin Illusionist
http://www.themirrorimages.com
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kOnO
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News from the Big Easy

The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumors that Mardi Gras is cancelled. He says he's expecting a record number of floats this year on Main Street.


Eric Burden and the Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins
"There was a house in New Orleans..."

Hurricane Katrina - typical woman! When she came, she was warm, wild and
wet. When she left, she took the house and all its contents with her.

Two plane loads of volunteers left Detroit, today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting. Film at Eleven.


kOnO
It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
joseph
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A fool and his money are soon partying. Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
WhiteAngel
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K0n0, that was the funniest thing I've heard in a while, lmfao
True illusionists strive to decieve the eye AND the mind.....
joseph
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
A leisure centre.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
kOnO
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I'm so tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy with keeping us safe from
terrorists.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state
government.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice


kOnO
It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
joseph
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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