Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking
a stroll down his street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... "I've just realized I was playing you the bee side!"


Lyndel

Lol....You better buzz off now.....

Of course, nobody knows exactly how our prehistoric ancestors insulted each other, but I'll bet we can be pretty sure the phrase "... and the iguanodon you rode in on" would get your skull clubbed in.

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The good thing about me having a death wish is that I'm much more likely to get THAT wish than, say, the one about a lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by my apartment with beer and pizza.

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I don't know who that Tourette fellow was, but I'll bet he had some pretty choice words to say when they named that syndrome after him.

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Well, the Iraqi constitution passed and the elections are coming up soon. If I were going to run for president of Iraq, I would change my name to Iawahnnah Handajab, because who wouldn't check THAT box?

Excuse me, but I can't help cracking up over the last several jokes. My belly hurts!

Bill,

You're excused!

:rotf:

BTW, have we met? I get over Tampa way ocassionally...

One for the road:

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


Lyndel

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began
to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to
do them."
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their
neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained
silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her
bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and
approached the second girl. Through sign language, they
agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but

burned his fingers on the stove.
"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the
kitchen.
"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the
dishes."

Posted: Oct 27, 2005 12:26am
A man goes to a doctor and says:
"Doctor, it's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"Gee, what are you taking for it?"
"SNUFF."

Posted: Oct 27, 2005 12:50am
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” ....

Whats good on apple pie, but not so good on______? (can't say the word here, but think of a word for a cat.)

Crust!

Posted: Oct 28, 2005 12:46am
While on vacation, my wife and I stopped for lunch at a diner. We sat at the counter, right next to the grill. The cook was a young man who was very busy flipping pancakes. Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of the spatula. Finally I asked him facetiously, "Does that improve the taste of the pancakes?" "No," he replied. "That keeps the handle from falling off."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer. "Is anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still heard no one answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared, so she yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...


"We're down here!"

Posted: Oct 28, 2005 12:10pm
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism. At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure looks good, doesn't he?"

The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in three days."

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday....

Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He
gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man,
"Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later,
he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies,
"No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask
you a personal question....are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continues
like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs
away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him.
It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he
says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny...you don't look Jewish at all!"

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back....

According to archaeologists, Neanderthal man was never fully erect.

Recently it has been shown that the reason for this is that Neanderthal women were really ugly.

Posted: Oct 28, 2005 11:10pm
The Eskimos are probably the most inventive people on earth. They live in an environment that provides them with comparativly little in the way of resources, but they have adapted and adapted well. They invented a kind of snow goggle, for one thing. They hunt bear by freezing a bent piece of baleen, whale cartilege, in a piece of meat. When the bear eats the meat, it thaws, the baleen springs open and pierces the bear's stomach, and he soon dies. Another technique for hunting wolves involves freezing the handle of a steel knife in ice. Wolves are attracted by the sun glinting on the knife blade, and sooner or later one of the pack licks the knife. He tastes blood, and continues licking. Other wolves see him bleeding from the mouth and so attack and kill him.

One of the cleverest techniques is used to hunt seals. Seals make a conical hole in the ice where they can breathe through the small hole in relative safety. The Eskimo hunter finds one of these seal holes, chops it larger, and sprinkles green peas (obviously from a trading post or whatever) around the hole. He builds a mound of snow nearby and watches the hole.

When a seal comes up to take a pea, the hunter runs out and kicks him in the ice hole.

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will
never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,
I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the
$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,
I sold 'em!

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
-------------------------------------------------------

Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough!.....

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming
out"?

They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you
can get them off with one finger!

Posted: Oct 29, 2005 9:44pm
What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??

Ho Ho Ho

Funny stuff Doug!


Lyndel

Are you coming for my 38th birthday party?
No, I went for that five years ago.
-------------------------------------------------------
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
------

Why did the punk cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chickens back.

Posted: Oct 30, 2005 10:36am
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. The boy shouts at the top of his lungs
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"