What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
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What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses. ...

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.....

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you
deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
Hahahahaha! I LIKE that one!

Posted: Nov 29, 2005 8:07pm
A blonde calls her boyfriendand says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsay puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to look like when it's finished?"

The blonde answers, "Well, from the picture on the box, its a tiger."

The boyfriend decides to go over and help the girl with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the pieces spread all over the dining room table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all those pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

He sighed, "...Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the
usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother!"

Californians are not without their faults.
When thimbles were invented, many people got stuck without one. ...

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

Posted: Dec 1, 2005 4:14am
Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director says, "You fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
the gun so I had to choke the #%@# to death."

Bumper Stickers:

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse....

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don''t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
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Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat....

Q. Why don't witches wear underwear when flying on their brooms?

A. Better grip

Confucious say:

Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Man with hand in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

The Harley and the Hoover cracked me up. I laughed out loud.

DaffyDoug, a sign that was posted in the credit union I used to belong to: "I can't be overdrawn! I still have checks left!"

I found it a bit too personal.

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm
needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't
read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do
for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey
turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there! ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Ralationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

Chapter 1 - The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
live in.
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview

So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or *** tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

Q: What do you call a woman who just lost 185 pounds of useless fat?
A: A divorcee. ...