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daffydoug
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One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
road when they
saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
One of the men
turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
with her." To their
surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
take you up on
that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
companion 'good
night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
to bed. The following
morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
money."If you
don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
saying, "I'd like to see
you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
a summons
ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
to his atorney and
explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
possibly get a judgment
against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
case will be
presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
court as follows:-
Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
property, a garden spot
surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
rent to the Defendant
for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
Defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but
upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
amount. The rent was by
no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
Judgment be
granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
Defendant's lawyer was
impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
His defense was,
therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
present it.
Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property,that he did rent
such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his stones,
erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount and that the
plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
rental of the said
property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as my
opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
existed, he would
not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed
his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
doing, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
the cleaning up, but
he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
making it very easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
granted.
SHE GOT IT!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2005-12-02 01:31, Bill Ligon wrote:
The Harley and the Hoover cracked me up. I laughed out loud.

DaffyDoug, a sign that was posted in the credit union I used to belong to: "I can't be overdrawn! I still have checks left!"

I found it a bit too personal. Smile


I always have too much week left at the end of my money!

Posted: Dec 3, 2005 11:17am
Quote:

On 2005-12-02 18:57, daffydoug wrote:
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Richard Gere played Treat Williams part in "Hair?"

Posted: Dec 3, 2005 11:22am
10 PRINT "This is the thread that doesn't end! Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because "
20 FORX=1to500:NEXTX
30 GOTO 10
"There's no time to lose," I heard her say.
"Catch your dreams before they slip away."
"Dying all the time, lose your dreams and you could lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?"
joseph
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Why do men like women in leather?
Because they smell like a new car....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
glatner
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A Jewish general was about to be Knighted by her majesty the Queen for bravery. After the knighting ceremony it is customary for the knightee to say a phrase in latin. Unfourtunately the general didn't know any latin. he reorted ot the only phrase of hebrew he ever learnt, from his grandfather, at the sedder table. "Mah neeshtanah Halilah Haze Mikol halaylot". Confused, the Queen turned to her advisor and asked "why is this knight different from all other knights?"
joseph
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The Truth Behind Personal Ads

FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish.................. 49
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Smile................... Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ugly
Free spirit............. Substance user ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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More Personal Ads:

Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... I have a headache
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

Posted: Dec 5, 2005 5:46am
Why can't a man eat like a bird?

Have you ever tried to pick up food with your *****?
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A plumber was called to fix a pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipe for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner, "Well, that will be $35".... The homeowner said, "$35!!..Why that's $140 per hour...I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 per hour!" The plumber replied, "Yeah, that's what I got when I was a lawyer."....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding
anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone,
with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the
furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription:
"Here lies my husband.....stiff at last!"

Posted: Dec 5, 2005 4:22pm
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cold one.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Posted: Dec 6, 2005 6:11am
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and
said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then ****off!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Beer Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."I''ll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you."Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)I''m easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)I''m gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female)You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male)I''m horny.

10. "Who''s got the next round?"I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Posted: Dec 6, 2005 5:13pm
Question: What is every Amish
woman's private fantasy?

Answer: Two Mennonite!

Posted: Dec 6, 2005 10:03pm
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Posted: Dec 7, 2005 5:58am
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One
thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows
when to stop!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he ounts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, his chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "Do you know anything about gas stoves?" ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
?
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Phil Thomas
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True story here...


One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing,
stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner,
my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the
little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
"If we lose the sense of the mysterious, life is no more than a snuffed out candle."

Albert Einstein
daffydoug
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That's hilarious!!! ROFL!

Posted: Dec 7, 2005 11:14pm
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"Why that dirty , no good %$#@#!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was
Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Michael238
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Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning,
escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going
down
there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's
a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send
him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm
keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?"

To all lawyers....JUST KIDDING...

Posted: Dec 7, 2005 11:48pm
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
www.mikebrownmagic.com
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daffydoug
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Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?

A: A trip to Israel.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Did you hear about the depressed archeologist?
His life was in ruins. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask
her how to get there and she says "Duh, big red truck?!."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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