Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.....

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Some male want ads:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday...

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?"

OLD TRUCKERS never die, - they just get a new PETERBILT.

OLD UPHOLSTERERS never die, they just don't recover....

Whats black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a car accident.

Gonna dance?
NO, I don't have my dancing pants on....
Dancing pants?
Yeah, they have lots of ballroom.....

Sidney has a problem with premature ***********, so he pays a visit to a
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and
says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all
night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and
waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his ******
and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however,
the remedy seems to make him ******* quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down
on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Posted: Dec 12, 2005 6:02am
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
Someone who likes to pitch tents. ...

What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nachocheese.

Posted: Dec 12, 2005 6:10pm

A wild rabbit got caught and was taken to a laboratory. While he was
in there he befriended a rabbit who had been in the lab since the day
he was born.

Anyway, one evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been
properly closed, and decided to make a break for freedom. He asked the
lab rabbit if he would like to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as
he had never been outside the lab. However, the wild rabbit finally
convinced him to give it a try.

Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number
three best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce.

After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
you the number two best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field
full of carrots.

After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show
you the number one best field." and took the lab rabbit to a warren
full of female bunnies. It was heaven, non-stop bonking most of the
evening.

As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would
have to be getting back to the lab.

"Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number three best
field with the lettuce, the number two best field with the carrots,
and the number one best field with the bonking. Why do you want to go
back to the lab?"

The lab rabbit replied "I can't help it - I'm dying for a cigarette!"

Posted: Dec 12, 2005 9:51pm
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

Posted: Dec 13, 2005 5:39am
What's another name for pickled bread?

Dill-dough!

What word begins with e and has only one letter in it?
Envelope. ....

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Best Seller List:
-----------------
Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz
Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels
Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator
Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp ....

You forgot a couple other bestsellers...

"Streaks On The Wall" by Hu Flung Pu

"To The Bathroom In Time" by Willie Maket and illustrated by Betty don't

The trouble with political jokes is they usually get elected.

Vampires are a pain in the neck.

Feel superior - become a nun.

Ava Maria - I don’t mind if I do.

Oh do not touch me
Oh do not touch
Oh do not
Oh do
Oh
...

What is the difference between a blonde and Dennis Rodman?

There is no difference.

Posted: Dec 14, 2005 9:48pm
Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God. The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in. The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in. The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.

Posted: Dec 15, 2005 5:46am
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in
common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth
did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',"
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside. ....

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

Posted: Dec 15, 2005 4:18pm
A guy was smoking a cigarette.
Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?"

The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains20 cigarettes.

He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".

Lmfao, I'll have to do that next time someone bums them from work! that's great!

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A: Jewelry! .....