Moses brought how many of each animal onto the ark?

Ha ha ha ha ha!! That's a knee slapper!

Posted: Dec 22, 2005 5:55am
Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?

Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear
them.

What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
Iglue.

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about
football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your b..l$....

Finally read through all 64 pages of corny jokes! Woo-hoo! Approx 20-30 really good ones that I could get some mileage out of, so here's a few more jokes so that the next persons that decide to read through all the jokes has even longer to read!

And remember, he who laughs last...probably didn't get the joke!


****SCAM WARNING****

Latest Scam

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire
email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.


Posted: Dec 22, 2005 11:57am
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur

Posted: Dec 22, 2005 11:58am

Annadin Skywalker!

*******
This JellyBean walks into a bar and gets talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" JellyBean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So JellyBean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went. After a few more beers in the club, three Vapour Drops walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Vapour Drops take one look at JellyBean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walked out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Vapour Drops are totaly menthol !!!"

Posted: Dec 22, 2005 11:58am One liners

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.

Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're a ......

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?

whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

Posted: Dec 22, 2005 6:01pm
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

I believe you should always give 100% at work...

12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday....

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said
that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head
and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

Last New Years Eve I was on my way home, making a left turn off U.S.1, when some idiot stepped on my fingers.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left", so they
turned around and went home.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Do you want to hear the joke about the bed?
Well you can't, because it hasn't been made yet.

What did Lt. Worf find in the Enterprise's toilet?
The Captain's log......

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings, of course.

Posted: Dec 23, 2005 8:28pm
Quote:
On 2005-12-23 07:43, joseph wrote:
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Do you want to hear the joke about the bed?
Well you can't, because it hasn't been made yet.

What did Lt. Worf find in the Enterprise's toilet?
The Captain's log......

That last one cracked me up! The captains log! Yuk yuk yuk!

Posted: Dec 24, 2005 8:10am
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become
American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.....

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
Though they had been married only a few years, he refllectivly
unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"

"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask
that ?"

"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

Posted: Dec 24, 2005 11:12pm
Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear..

A guy was walking along the beach one day and came across a lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.
The genie told him he would grant him three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.....

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Posted: Dec 26, 2005 7:36am
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

That's a knee slapper, for sure!...

Posted: Dec 26, 2005 8:29am

A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The bartender looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, are you?".....

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, %$^#it, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, $%#$ motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Or say, "I hope they finally fixed the cables."...

Or tuch a button with a funkin(sp?) ring.

Elevator jokes are ok, but they have their ups and downs......

Posted: Dec 27, 2005 11:35am
I was gonna be an elevator operator, but I had trouble learning the route.....