One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and
he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to
the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed
with his wife. Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store
and pick me up some Asprin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the
dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.
When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk
so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk
asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"
Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."
Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police
officer?"
And again Mike replied yes.
Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

Posted: Dec 28, 2005 5:44am
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive....

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women....

Posted: Dec 28, 2005 7:57am
Some Airline jokes.....

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"....

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
%$^# almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that
they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my &%#$@."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head
between her $#%@. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I
don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

A young woman went topless to church one sunday. The preacher stood up in front of the congregation and said to her, "Young lady, you can't come into church like that. It isn't proper."

The girl replied, "But you don't understand, Reverend, I have Divine Right."

The preacher said, "The left one is divine, too, but you still can't come into church like that!"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that ^$%#$ gun...'"

A minister notices a young streetwalker, and says, "Why, young lady, you should be ashamed of yourself standing there like that. What would your mother say?
"She'd kill me....This is her corner! .....

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little
boy after luring him into his car?

A: Hey kid, go easy on those sweets!

I wanted to be a tree surgeon, but I fainted at the sight of sap.....

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"....

Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, that's a women's job!

Hector: Why are you so depressed?
Chan: Because my new parrot won’t say anything.
Hector: But didn’t the previous owner swear it would repeat every word it heard?
Chan: Yes, but there’s one big problem.
Hector: What’s that?
Chan: It’s deaf.

New Years Resolutions

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.


Posted: Dec 30, 2005 8:25am
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your %$%# in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive
work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous pair. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched them."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted $%#$ and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"...

Posted: Dec 30, 2005 10:36am
News flash!!

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs....

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."...

A lawyer, a doctor, and a blonde were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the blonde appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the blonde, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

Posted: Dec 30, 2005 4:13pm

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Posted: Dec 30, 2005 4:19pm
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

Posted: Dec 30, 2005 6:25pm
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Golf Jokes:

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!" ....

Last night, I heard a noise downstairs, so I got out of bed, grabbed a golf club, and tiptoed down the stairs...My wife, following behind me says, "You know you can't hit anything with a 6 iron." ...

What sound does it make when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

Ba-dum!

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

Posted: Dec 31, 2005 9:28am
A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid %$%#$.'"

Posted: Dec 31, 2005 9:31am
There is a man in a hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov." (you know a President of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. As the man did not wear his glasses, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful ^%^$# and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the &^&%^$. Then he begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other ^%^$%#.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all than very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"