A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."....

A bum came up to me and asked for ten cents to buy a cup of coffee. I gave him the ten cents and followed him.

A bum said to me, " Hey, Mister, I haven't had a bite in three days!" So I bit him.

A lady came up to me to ask directions to a store. She had a little yappy dog on a leash, and the dog sniffed my foot and lifted his hind leg. When I jumped away, the lady said, "Oh, don't worry. He won't bite you." I said, "Lady, I thought he was going to kick me."

I did my part for the war on poverty. I beat up a beggar.

I learned this trick from an italian knifethrower Vinny the 3rd and his assistant venitia the 29th.

At the Horse Race
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"....


Posted: Jan 1, 2006 7:24am
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago

Posted: Jan 1, 2006 8:20pm
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.....

Posted: Jan 2, 2006 7:58am
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that." ....

A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied. But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?".

The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy. Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?"

Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper, said ok. Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.

The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said, "Boy, where are you from, exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and see!"

Posted: Jan 2, 2006 8:12am
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because", said the manager, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby....

This thread is getting smaller...haha I'm magic

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!....

I was in Atlantic City recently and a bum came up to me and said, "Can you spare a few bucks for some food. I haven't eaten in days". I said, "how do I know that if I give you money, you're not going to just gamble it away in one of the casinos?." The bum replied, "Oh, I got gambling money".

The hotel I was staying in wasn't the nicest. I called the front desk and said, "I got a leak in my sink". The man replied, "go ahead".

Fredd

An old guy's in bed in his hotel room, when there's a knock on the door. He says com in and this gorgeous women enters the room. "Oh, I'm sorry," she says, "I must have the wrong room." "No," says the old guy. "You've got the right room...you're just twenty years late."

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
Pull down their genes.

BUM: C'n I have $25 for a cup of coffee?

MAN: Coffee's $1.50!

BUM: Yeah, but I'm a big tipper!

Posted: Jan 10, 2006 9:10am
Here's a line for a specific trick.

You know "Things That Go Bump In The Night"? When the magician shows up under the third cover, he usually goes to the box he vanished from and opens it to reveal a surprise.

As you get to the box, hesitate for a second, look out at the audience and say;

"I'd better not, I just might be in there!"

THEN reveal the surprise!

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that very saucer right there, so far this week I've sold 34 cats!!!"

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources. (magicians?)

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.....

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Sign on a shop: We can repair anything! (Knock hard, bell broken)

Have you heard that the priests can kiss the nuns now? It's true, just as long as they don't get in the habit.

How do you know if you've been on a roll? There's butter on the back of your pants!

Two grains of sand are in a desert. One turns to the other and says, "Crowded here, isn't it?" ...