Where will I go when I die. Heaven does not want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.

Last night I dreamt that I was eating a Giant Marshmallow this morning when I woke up my pillow was Missing.

Houdini said, "You can lock me in any cell, but you can't stop my face from breaking out."............

How can you tell when a mechanic has just had s*x? He has one clean finger!

LOL, these are Extremely Funny. It's Amazing How Houdini didn't take all Challenges Issued to him.

Two guys out hunting, and "BANG!!!" One guy accidentally shoots the other. He's horrified! He grabs his cell phone, dialls 911 and screams "My God! help me ! I just shot and killed my buddy! " "What do I do?"

Dispatcher says. "OK. Just calm down. First thing we have to do is to make sure he's really dead"

"BANG!!"" "OK. What do I do next?"

Did a magic show for a group of midgets.....
Got a standing ovation and didn't even know it....

What kind of music do cows listen to moo-sic

I had a dream the other night that I was a car muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

Did you know it was a year ago today?

My girlfriend has crabs. I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went for an AIDS test today. The doctor told me to think positive.


(From NBC's "Last Comic Standing")

Confusious say man who #art in Church Sit in Pew Alone.

Confusious also say "He who stands on toilet is high on pot".

Confuscious say man who run after car becomes exhausted.

Confuscious say man who walk through revolving door with fly open is going to Bangkok!

Lol Konfuscious say if we Don't quit this hes going to Bang our Heads together as in Three Stooges Style.

Ok A gorilla walks into a soda shop and orders a cherry coke. He lays down a hundred dollar bill.

The soda is only a buck, but the guy figures gorilas aren't too smart, so he gives him buck in change.

The guy gets curious watching the gorilla, so he finally says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." Gorilla looks at the change, looks at the soda, then looks at the guy and says. " Yeah. At Ninety nine dollars for a freakin' soda, it's no wonder..."

Confucious say: Man who sticks head in window gets pain in neck
Man who sticks head in oven will get baked bean
Man who sticks face in punch bowl gets punch in nose

Yesterday in the bookstore I asked the lady at the information desk where the 'self-help' section was. She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Any Other Jokes Here Folks.

Vodka and Orange Juice is a Screwdriver.....
Vodka and Milk of Magnesia is a Phillips Screwdriver....

There was a ninety old man who was, well, ..impotent. So he goes to the Doctor. Doctor gives him a glass bottle and says "OK. I'll need a sp**m sample. Put it in this bottle and bring it back to me."

So, the next day, the old man comes back. Dr. Says "Did you bring the sample?" Old man says "No, I couldn't get it off"

Dr says "you couldn't get it off?"

Old man says, "No I couldn't get it off. I tried everything, but it was no use. I'm just too old." "I tried it with my hand, and I couldn't get it off." "I tried it reading a hoochie coochy magazine, and I couldn't get it off."

"My wife took her teeth out and tried it with her mouth and I couldn't get it off" "The lady next door came over, and she tried, and I still couldn't get it off." The Doctor says "You sure you couldn't get it off?"

Old man says "Here's you da**n bottle back. That lids on so tight I can never get it off!"