An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "go get your mother!"....

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

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There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!

-----------------------------------------------

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!

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Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

-------------------------------------------------

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

* * *

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

* * *

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

* * *

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

* * *

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

* * *

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

* * *

Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!

* * *

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

* * *

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.....

Posted: Jun 2, 2006 10:06pm

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before....

I never realized there were this many corny jokes.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear............

In a shoe shop:

Kid: "Mister, what are shoes made of?"

Shoemaker: "Hide, son, hide."

Kid: "Hide? Why?"

Shoemaker: "Hide, hide! The cow's outside."

Kid: "Aw, heck, who's afraid of a cow?"

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat....

Practicing magic is like wetting your pants while wearing dark trousers. Nobody notices, but it gives you a warm feeling all over!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
...

That was in History of the World Part 1. Comicus (Mel Brooks), a "stand-up philosopher" says it in his monologue. Great line.

Michael

That's like hurricanes with girls names....Or else they would be called himicanes....

A guy wanted to have an unusual pet, so the clerk in the pet store sold him a centipede. He took the centipede home in a box, delighted with his new pet.

After putting the box on a table, he was so happy that he said to the centipede, " Hey, to celebrate, let's go out for a drink!"

There was no response from the centipede, so he bent over a bit closer to the box and said, "Hey, let's go out for a drink."

Again there was no response, so he put his face near the box and said, "C'mon, let's celebrate by going out for a drink!"

The centipede said, "Wait a minute. I'm putting on my shoes."

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
....

Growing older
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget
to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

kOnO
Posted: Jun 14, 2006 12:59am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At age 4 success is . . . . not wetting your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

kOnO

Ah so you're on the HARD drugs now then, be careful my friend snorted curry powder and ended up in a Korma for 6 months.

Played poker last night with:
A contortionist....She kept folding....
A telemarketer.....He kept calling.....
Dale Earnhardt Jr......He kept passing.....
Viagra abuser........Kept raising........

They opened a Gold's Gym in Havana, Cuba last week. They say it's the first such gym there. Man, I'd like to see the line for that rowing machine.

My wife is so needy. For her birthday she wanted me to buy her yoga lessons and get a Bedday installed in the bathroom. A bedday, you know how much those are? Well, I killed two birds with one stone, I taught her to do a handstand in the shower.

Farmer finally catches brat who had been stealing his apples hiding in a tree
farmer : " where is you father for I need to have a serius word with him "
boy : " ohhhhhh , he's hiding over there in that tree "

Posted: Jun 14, 2006 8:41pm

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This is a old one for the cricket fans

whitch doctor comes back after a 4 week culture trip in the uk .

" me learn great white man magic
we must make big circle of grass surrounded by big white fence
we drive two lots of three sticks in middle of circle
two men stand with clubs near sticks while more men spread around in circle of grass
then one man throw red orb
and big white man magic happen

IT RAINS IT RAINS IT RAINS

Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back...

Posted: Jun 21, 2006 6:36am
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At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

News flash - Scotland Yard reports that thieves have stolen a lorry loaded with Viagra. They are currently in pursuit of the hardened criminals. This just in - they have crashed the lorry into the Thames River. London Bridge Authority says that it will be at least 36 hours before the bridges will be lowered... and now that the criminals have been captured, they can look forward to doing hard time under a stiff sentence."

Lee Darrow, C.H.