What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him. He ain't commin' to ya!


I spilled spot remover on my dog last week. I haven't seen him since.


I had a dream the other night that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Cars
ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW - Bavarian Money Waster
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere ...

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.

Two pigeons flying over the Kentucky derby.
One says, "I don't know who you like, but I'm putting everythting I got on the 7 horse!

Hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He would lie at night wondering if there was a Dog.

Do you know the difference between a Billy Goat and a Gold fish?

A Gold fish mucks around a fountain...

Do you know the difference between a mid-western Cow and a New York Cow?

A mid-western cow says MOOO. A New York Cow says MOOOOOOOOOVE

Hear about the meat butcher who backed in to the meat slicer?
He got behind in his work.

Hear about the fire at the circus?
It was intense.

Hear about the Mexican fireman who's wife gave birth to twin boys?
He named one Jose and the other Hose B.

Knock, knock
who's there?
Controll freak. OK Now you say controll freak who.

Hear about the two peanuts walking down the street?
One was assaulted.

Olie and Lena were sitting home one day when Lena turns and slaps Olie across the head.
What'cha do that for?
That's for 30 years of bad sex.
Few minutes later.
Olie slaps Lena.
Hey, what's that for?
For knowing the difference.

Little girl in Sunday school, drawing intently on piece of paper.
Teacher asked what she was drawing?
I'm drawing a picture of Jesus!
Teacher, But nobody knows what Jesus looks like.
Little girl, They will in a few minutes.

A guy walks into the Drs. office, he has a banana in his ear, a carrot in his nose and a peach pie on his head. Doc you gotta help me, I don't know what's wrong.

Doc: Well for one thing, I don't think you are eating right.


What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

Whats black and white, and re(a)d all over? (sounds better when you say it out loud)

A newspaper

What do you get when you cross an Elephant ith a Rino?

EllifIknow.

I come from a medical family. My Dad is a Psychologist and my Mom is a pathologist.


I guess you could say I'm a psychopath.



hey now...

I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately, because I am loosing my hair. So I went to see a psychiatrist. He prescribed Rogaine and Prozac. I asked why both?

He said if one worked I wouldn’t need to take the other!

Did I tell you that I got a new Bicycle for my wife?

Best trade I ever made!

I'm feeling a little backwards today. My nose is running and my feet smell.

I drove here on the Parkway, then when I arrived, I parked on the Driveway!?!

More cars:
FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony
FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
...

Another car
Lotus - Lots of trouble usually serious.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doorbell repair man.

More cars:

JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly
KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing
MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually
MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road
...

Here's a couple my dad always likes to tell...

What happened to the skeleton that fell in the swamp? He got soaked to the bone!

Why did the football coach go the bank? To get his quarterback!

Start your groaning now

Still more cars:
PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em
SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always Breakdown
SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile
VW - Virtually Worthless
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object ...

I got fired from my part time job....
Why?...
It was a full time job....


Posted: Jul 11, 2007 8:01am
Some Prison vs Work facts:

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. ...


Posted: Jul 12, 2007 8:34am
More prison and work facts:
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

Joseph - I'm just wondering...

I'm laughing, but yet I a little scared, too...lol

How many members of your sign does it take to change a lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
LEO: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.00000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the ancient Hierarchial Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnt-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb? ...

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The Fish!

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None..they wait for it to burn out, then follow it around for 20 yrs.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
(brace yourself)

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." ....

Wow! I can't believe this thread is still going on! Over 2,000 replies!

I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
They ended up in a tie.

Fredd

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street?


One was a salted!

Top Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...

1. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare.
2. You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
3. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling.
4. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy. ..

Why did the Cow cross the road?




To get to the Udder side.

Did you here about.

WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS / WHAT IT MEANS ..

Work processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago...

Q. What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
A. Dam!