A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to
hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender... "Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," sh e whis pered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap,
or paper towels in the ladies room.

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic. ..

Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom








an Idiot driving through a red blinking light.

What's brown and sticky?


A stick

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ...

What has at least, three legs, a tail and barks?

A DOG!

Posted: Jul 27, 2007 11:03am
Did you hear about the two idiots who wanted to be the first people to fly to and land on, the Sun?

One all of a sudden realized it would be too hot and bright, so he said so.

The other repiled, no problem, we'll go at night!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication. ...

Customer: ; "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank,
proving once and for all that ...

You can't have your kayak and heat it, too. ...

I just heard the news that Janet Jackson was pulled over while driving through Beverly Hills.

Her left headlight was out!

Why did the road cross the Chicken?




Because some A**** developer paved it!

woowowowowowoo. that might of raised a tittle a five years ago!

M:C

A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some kind of joke?!?"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as ...

the lesser of two weevils. ...

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car,
and
he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"








That's how the fight started.


Happy birthday Joey Lepore...

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,

'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.' ...

A man was at the olympic games and sat in the front row. A burly man walked past dressed as a competitor and carrying a long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?" asked the man.
"No I'm German and how did you know my name vas Valter?"

Things that bother me:

People who are willing to get off their couch to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep
looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? ....

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were sitting on a dock at the bay.

Jewish man slaps the Chinese man.

Why did you hit me?

That's for Pearl Harbor!

They were not Chinese, he replied, they were Japanese!

Chinese, Japanese, same thing!

Few minutes’ later, Chinese man slaps Jewish man.

Oy, what's that for?

That's for sinking the Titanic!

Hey that was an Iceberg that sunk the ship, he said.

Chinese man says, Iceberg or Goldberg, same thing!

From a cruise ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes
nuts." ...