A farmer claimed to have the largest flock of sheep in the country....
"How many sheep do you have?"..
"I don't know....Every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."...

Here is one:

Chuck Norris is 1/8 Native American. That has nothing to do with his ancestory, he ate a man!

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson - he brought the house down....

I went to the doctors the other day and he said you've got hypochondria-I said oh no not that aswell

A duck walks into a drugstore and says-- give me some chapstick and put it on my bill

Posted: Feb 20, 2008 9:44pm
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says -- hey why the long face?

Posted: Feb 20, 2008 9:45pm
I tried to go to Target, but missed

Posted: Feb 20, 2008 9:46pm
A rabbi, a priest, a minister and a farmers daughter walk into a bar and the bartender says-- is this some kind of a joke?

Posted: Feb 20, 2008 9:47pm
A patient of the doctors' said she felt like a deck of cards-- he said he would deal with her later

On Xmas, my son opened an empty box....
"What's this?"..
"You like it?...It's an air guitar."...

My parents bought an empty box for me at xmas and told me it was an action man deserter.

A man sitting in a barber's chair noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a shampoo yet." ...

What's Your Business?
______________________________

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers;
"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

How much for a haircut?
Barber: Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.
Right - shave my head. ...

This blonde called 911, screaming "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam, please calm down. I need to get some information from you".

Again the blonde yelled "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam calm down, How do we get to your house?".

The blonde replied "Duh... In the big red truck".

What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever. ...

A guy is stumbling down the street at 2:30 in the morning. Obviously drunk as a skunk.

A cop stops him and asks "Where do you think you're going?'

Drunk says "To a *hic* lecture."

Cop says "Now where are you going to get a lecture at 2:30 in the morning?"

"My w...*hic* wife."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of cows into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world...

After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Revenge is sweet!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."....

Hey! I resemble that remark!

I once had Chess Grandmaster Gary Kasparov round to dinner at mine.I had a black and white checked tablecloth to make him feel welcome.It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

"Credit goes to Tim Vine for this one."