I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. ***, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth. ..

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a duck? A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 5:07pm
How do you stop a charging rhino?

Take away his credit card!

Posted: Apr 19, 2008 5:37pm
A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," says Barney, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A garbage man was walking along whistling while balancing a bin on his head and one on each shoulder.
"How do you manage to do that?" asked Jane.
"It's easy," he replied. "Just put your lips together and blow." ...

What do you call a two wheel vehicle that your father rides?

A popcycle.

What happens when a band plays in a thunderstorm?
The conductor gets hit by lightning...

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, How much for that TV set in the window? THe owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, I don’t sell stuff to potheads. So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window? And the owner says, I told you I don’t sell to potheads! So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a weed later and says, How much for that TV? The owner says, I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!! The stoner looks back at the owner and says, How can you tell I’m a pothead? The owner looks back and says, Because that’s a *** microwave!

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.

She once had a million dollar figure.
Trouble is, inflation set in. ..

Grass hopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

Bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

Man: Doctor, doctor, I think I'm losing my memory.
Doctor: When did this happen?
Man: When did what happen? ...

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. The first one said to the other," You stay here and I'll go on ahead. "

First Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat.
Second Woman: Oh, so that's where you get them...

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Man #1: You know my wife made a millionaire out of me.

Man #2: Really? What did you used to be?

Man #3: A multi-millionaire.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

Posted: Apr 20, 2008 3:33pm
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?"

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.
"You must think I'm daft," said the officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it." ...

Two Englishmen were talking:

The 1st Englishmen said, had to bury my wife.

2nd Englishmen said, Oh!

1st Englismen replies, had to, dead you know

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that’s terrible!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house.

Posted: Apr 21, 2008 6:25am
There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."

So she takes, two more and has no problem having the baby and neither her nor her husband are in pain.

Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep

My wife made me a millionaire...
I used to be a multi-millionaire...

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!


Posted: Apr 21, 2008 9:01pm
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you idiot, it's 2am in the ****ing morning!"

Posted: Apr 22, 2008 6:23am
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"