What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?
It let out a little wine. ...

Posted: Apr 29, 2008 7:56pm
My mother-in-law is so ugly she can make her own yogurt by staring at a pint of milk for an hour...

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."

The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

A pilot flying over the jungle was having trouble with his plane and decided to bail out before it crashed. So he put on his parachute, jumped, pulled the rip-cord, and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately, he landed right in a large cooking pot which a tribal chief was simmering gently over a fire. The chief looked at him, rubbed his eyes, looked again, and asked,
"What's this flier doing in my soup?" ...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husb

Waiter, I'm in a hurry, will my pancake be long ?
No sir, it'll be flat and round...

Posted: May 8, 2008 12:16pm
I can vividly recall the events of Wednesday May 7, 2008 - like it was just yesterday...

Well I'm all set when I get really OLD...the kids have a nice rest area already picked out

I visited the fire hydrant factory, and couldn't find a parking spot....

Why did I choose to eat at the company Caféteria at the pay toilet factory?

Doctor: It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've only got five minutes to live.
Patient: But doctor, isn't there anything you can do for me?
Doctor, after some thought: Well, I could boil you an egg. ...

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK:
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

I unloaded my items onto the conveyor belt to check out. A drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
guy's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you
are absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The number of drunks in the country is staggering....

Show me your proof!

Why have you stopped playing cards with my sister?
Well, would you play with someone who cheats all the time, is a poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards?
No, I wouldn't.
No, she won't either...

What did the nappy say to the washing machine?

Are you taking the p**s out of me?

Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin?
No more, mom. It's empty. ...

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and which point the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! You're gonna get us both fired!"

Why do sharks prefer to swim in salt water? [Apparently pepper water makes them sneeze far too much!]

What kind of fish has 2 knees? [Two-knee fish!]

Where would expect to find such a creature? [Tunisia!]

jeff in san diego

Before you enter a restroom you are American. When you leave out of the restroom you are American. What are you when you are in the restroom?


European. (yur-a-pee-ing)

Why aren't astronauts hungry when they first achieve orbit?
They just had a big launch...

Everyday, a doctor stops by the bar on his way home for an almond daiquiri. Dick the bartender usually has it waiting for the doctor by the time he gets there. One day, Dick is out of almonds. Thinking the doctor wouldn't notice, Dick substitutes hickories for almonds in the daiquiri. He made the drink, the doctor came in, sat down, took a sip, and said to the bartender...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
To which he responded...
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc!"