Golf Warning...

The Department of Wildlife &Fisheries advises American golfers to take extra precautions against bears, while playing on golf courses in Wyoming and Montana National Forests.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. For example, golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings on the golf course.

Black Bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly Bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Today's definition:

Optimist: an investment banker who irons five shirts on Sunday evening...

Never stand on top of toilet , you be high on da pot !

I used an ATM today and it asked me for $20 till Friday...

Ha-ha! Great one, Joseph!

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I bought her a pack of Bicycles...

Why never over stuff a trunk? Because elephants hate it.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia..

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck...

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the dog.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?...
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?...

Where do they send smart bellybuttons?

To the Naval Academy.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?..
What disease did cured ham actually have?...

If a man alone in a forest says something and there's no woman to contradict him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?...
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies...

Q. what do you do when you see a space man?
A. park in it!

you: hey where you get that?
them: get what?
you: that silly look on your face!

Where do solutions go when a candidate gets elected?..
Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)...

A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit
at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab
a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out
he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one
I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started
to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!"

If you drove your car at the speed of light...and then turned on your headlights...would they work??

"Maybe yes or maybe no." -- Werner Heisenberg

A lawyer was riding down the road in his limo when he saw a poor family along the road eating grass!!

He told his driver to turn around and go back to them.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.

"We're poor and cant afford food" they replied.

"I'm going to take you to my place and see you get fed!" he told them.

As they were all in his limo and heading down the road, the father said "how kind of you to offer to feed us like this!!"

The lawyer replied "think nothing of it...at my place the grass must be about a foot high!"