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Thomas Wayne
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Quote:
On 2009-04-21 22:40, Eric Woods wrote:
Some beer drinking buddies were hunting for deer. They saw a sign that said "Deer Left" so they went home.


Okay now, that is a good example of why they say, "Some people can tell 'em and some people can't". The drinking buddies weren't hunting for deer, they were hunting for BEAR; driving down the road to the hunting lodge they came on a sign that said "Bear Left", so they turned around and went home. Where, in all the world, would you ever come across a sign that said "Deer Left"? Sheeeesh!

It reminds me of an old bit of graffiti we used to see now and again scratched onto the condom machines [in men's restrooms] that said, "Don't buy this gum - it tastes like rubber!" Get it? There's multiple levels of humor in that simple gag.

Well one time, years later, I saw where someone had attempted to create the same funny graffiti but they obviously hadn't grasped the subtle nuances of the original, because they had written, "Don't buy this gum - it tastes like ****!"

Like my dear old mom said, "If you can't tell a joke right, don't tell it at all."

TW
MOST magicians: "Here's a quarter, it's gone, you're an idiot, it's back, you're a jerk, show's over." Jerry Seinfeld
magicjohn2278
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Quote:
On 2009-04-18 18:04, Bill Ligon wrote:
When I was a kid I wanted to be a comedy magician, but everybody laughed at me!


(pause)

".......They are not laughing now!"
harris
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Harris Deutsch
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I saw a dumpster in a driveway..(For your Trash)

So I cleaned out my car...
Harris Deutsch aka dr laugh
drlaugh4u@gmail.com
music, magic and marvelous toys
http://magician.org/member/drlaugh4u
joseph
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Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Two guys walk into a bar...One of them turns to the other
and says....

"You'd think we would have learned to duck by now."
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Outbreak Monkey
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A long joke, but oh so corny!

Monkey..
--
Three horses are sitting, drinking at a bar. After a while the conversation turns serious.

The first horse reveals a startling event.
"Last week, you know when I won the 'Golden Cup' ? Well I don't know what happen but I was running 4th, felt a burning sensation in my rear, then I shot to the front and won by a nose"

All feeling a little uneasy, they look at each other, the second horse pipes up:
"Well actually, seeing as we're talking about it. About 4 weeks back I was running in the 'Magic Billions'. In the middle of the pack rounding the last bend, I felt a burning sensation in my rear, I shot to the front and won by two lengths."

Now quite concerned and a little confused, they look to each other, the third horse reveals his story.
"What the hay, I'll admit it happened to me too! I was at the back of the pack, felt a burning sensation in my rear, shot to the front and won by six lengths!"

They were totally confused now...

Finally, a greyhound sitting at the next table sidles up to them, and says.
"Sorry, didn't mean to eaves drop, but you won't believe it happened to me too! I was on the track, ready to race, BANG, the barriers opened, I was still stuck in my box, the other dogs had completed one whole lap. Suddenly I felt a burning sensation in my rear, burst out of the box, shot around the track so fast, I passed the other dogs, and even ran past the rabbit!"

Totally stunned the horses sit and stare. Finally one horse speaks:
"Well, how about that! A talking dog!"
joseph
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"

"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"Likely story!", the Fisheries Officer exclaims. "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says, "What for?"

The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters"

The Newfie smiles and replies,

"What lobsters?"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
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Bill Ligon
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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the
maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait,
would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat
at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What
you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles
and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs..."
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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What's the opposite of Dominoes?
Domi doesn't know...

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
joseph
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A magician comes home to a burned down house. His
sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"
the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when
the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the
phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went
up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it
out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the magician says. "My agent called?"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?..

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?..

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?..

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Two magicians were standing outside a hotel where a magic convention was being held, when a funeral passed by. One of the magicians removed his hat and stood reverently as the cars passed by in the street. The other magician said,"That's amazing! I have never seen someone so respectful of a funeral." The first replied, "It was the least I could do. We were married for 35 years."
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Energizer
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Quote:
On 2009-05-16 10:14, joseph wrote:
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?...


I once had a job as a human cannonball. The pay was crap, but at least I got travelling expenses.
"We judge a book by its cover and read what we want between selected lines" - W. Axl Rose, circa 1992.
joseph
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"I told my wife that a great magician is like a fine wine... They always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A pirate walks into a bar wearing paper towels wrapped around
his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towels, buddy?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Energizer
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Quote:
On 2009-05-28 00:14, Bill Ligon wrote:
A pirate walks into a bar wearing paper towels wrapped around
his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towels, buddy?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


Yeah, apparently Osama Bin Laden has a one million dollar bounty on his head. You'd think with a paper towel that size balancing on his noggin they'd have caught him by now.
"We judge a book by its cover and read what we want between selected lines" - W. Axl Rose, circa 1992.
magicoftomh
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Why is the person who invests your money called a "broker"?

If you mixed vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you have a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do have to put your two cents in, but only get a penny for your thoughts? Where is the extra penny going?

Why do people pay money to go to the top of tall buildings, then put more money into binoculars to look back down at the ground?
Here's hoping everything you do hits the BULLSEYE!

Tom Hornikel
http://tjhornikel.cjb.net
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