Why do cowboys die with their boots on?

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Eight out of five schizophrenics won't even admit they have a problem.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat. ...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government" , says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck. ...

I watched "JAWS" the other night backwards....the shark puked up all these people and they opened the beech.

Lady tells friend; "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." ...

Hope this is "clean" enough...it's from a pro hockey player's post on Facebook.

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods???

Santa stopped after 3 "Ho's"!!!

My wife doesn't use a timer when she cooks...
She just uses the smoke alarm...

I would tell Jay Leno to just keep his chin up...

With all the bad stuff going on in the World right now, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, that went almost unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse"...

A drunk took a shortcut through a cemetary, and naturally enough, he fell into a freshly-dug grave. After trying unsuccessfully to climb out, he exhaustedly curled up in a corner and went to sleep. After a while another drunk fell into the same grave. He made so much noise trying to scramble himself out of the hole, he woke up the first drunk. Sleepily, he said to the newcomer in a shaky voice, "You'll never get out of here." But he did!

TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog...

Joseph, I've told you a billion times, "Don't exaggerate!"

If a turtle does not have a shell, is it naked or homeless?...

We need to keep posting here!!! Really like these...so here'e a "new" (old) one..

A guy asked me if I ever saw one of those lie detector machines.

I said...see one? I married one!

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

He says "Yes doctor, I'm right here,"

"Great news," the doctor explains, "Twins!"

"Wow, That's great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor comes out and yells, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right hear Doc,"

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Awesome!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here doctor,"

"Wonderful news! It's-"

Guy says "Wait a minute!" "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11!!!

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'