Man who eat many prunes get good run for money...

The boss walks into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walks up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

So he heads out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiles and says, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

He who sits on the tack will eventually get the point...

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
It didn't say anything. It just let out a little wine.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went.. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.






He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'




The lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!




So! The lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.



IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince






THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?



SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!




She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!

Man who jumps off a cliff, jumps to conclusion...

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Do you want to change your mind, or are you happy with the mind you have now (Not my own!).

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!!!!'

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!!!''

So, this guy walks into a bar . . . . . .Ouch!

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work...

'Bout time to add some more...

My parents asked me where my school report card was.

I told 'em "I don't have it"

"Then where is it" they asked.

"I loaned it to a friend at school...he wanted to take it home and scare his parents!"



Two convicts escaped from prison...one is 7 ft tall and one is 4 ft tall.

Police are looking high and low for them.

Some good reading:

The French Chef
by Sue Flay

Tight Situation
by Leah Tard

Unemployed
by Anita Job ...

A Sunday school teacher was telling the class about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah and his friends might have done to pass the time for 40 days and nights.

When nobody said anything, she suggested, "maybe they spent the time doing lots of fishing?"

One kid gave her a funny look and said "wouldn't that be kind of hard to fish with just two worms??"



A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alchohol a year.

That means golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Better than a hybrid!

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead...

I wasn't sure who was going to win the Belmont, so I took a gallop pole...

A M.D. was addressing a large audience in Tampa, FL.
"Years ago, the material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating eat?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."