After the emergency the police asked the lady why didn't she call 911. She told the police because she has no 11 on her phone.

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

Why was the piano player asked to join the baseball team?

Because he had perfect pitch.

What is raised during the rainy season in India?

Umbrellas.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

What has lots of keys, a trunk and four legs?

A piano up a tree

What do you get when you cross an ape man with a zebra ?

Tarzan stripes forever

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

How can you spot a lawyer or politician walking down the street?

He will have his hands in someone else’s pockets

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give the advice to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was sure he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support

I bit into an apple and saw half a razor blade.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

What is black and white and red all over?

Dynamike after he falls down the stairs from stepping into a white bucket of paint.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

A goat ate up the magician's corny jokes.