A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As Timmy and the girl walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied,
'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

They buried the guy in the wrong plot..It was a grave mistake...

Judy takes her dog to the vet and tells him the dog can't hear.
The vet looks the dog over and tells her problem is caused from excessive hair in his ears.
He tells her to go to a pharmacy and ask for some hair remover.
She goes to the pharmacy and asks hair remover.
The guy behind the counter says he has a few choices for her.
He gives her a spray to use her under her arms and tells her not to use deodorant for 5 days.
She says, “no it's not for my under her arms.”
He says, “ok use this for your legs but don’t shave for a week.
She says, “sir, you don't understand. It's for my Schnauzer.
He says, “ well...if that's the case you should not ride a bike for 2 days.”

Florida will not longer count ballots. Instead, they will count the chads and divide by the square root of each candidates' hat size...

If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport - you’ll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy

For Valentines Day, my wife wants something sparkly or sweet, so I got her both..

I bought her a Mountain Dew...

For Valentines Day my wife wants me to take her someplace expensive to eat so I am going to take her to the Airport for a hot dog. Heck a free Dr visit while there and I may as well order her a Mountain Dew while there too! Thanks guys!

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month...

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Do Troy Hooser, Craig Petty and turtles use shell phones?...

A cowboy walks into a bar and a heavily made up , sexily dressed woman slithers up on the barstool next to him and says, "Hey, Cowboy, For $100 I'll do anything you can say in three words." The cowboy took a slow sip of his beer, sat it down, pulled out his wallet and plucked down a $100 bill and said, "Paint my house".

Darling, you nervous?
Yes.
First time?
No, I've been nervous before.

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said
to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her
down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and
smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie
vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.
However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape yust by her
groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da
scene..

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to
her'...After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out
his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at
me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da heck vould YOU say?

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" ...

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Special weather report during devastating thunderstorms --- Current Conditions

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.